Need advice on my suspected-to-be-gay Brother

[MarieSG]

Hello!

I am a female. 21 years old. I have 6 siblings. Three older sisters, then me, then three younger brothers.

The eldest brother was born a year after me. We are closest in age, and never really got a long. (other than when we were very young).
Our mother passed away when were were all very young. I was 7 at the time. Him being six.
My mother was a single mother, so when she passed away, all of my siblings were separated.
Some of us had different fathers and randomly they appeared to take "their" children.
My brother and I did not know our father so we were forced to move in with our Aunt.

Our aunt was my mother's sister and she had a single daughter.
She was extremely abusive, both physically and mentally to my brother and I. Lowered our self esteem, called us names or nit picked us (the way we did things or the way we looked).
She also beat us, over anything. Never laying a finger on her own daughter - our cousin.

My brother always had anger issues.
Him and I always fought. Even through the terrible times of living with our aunt - we were barely a team. People/kids in school, were always calling him gay. I ALWAYS defended him. I always chalked it up to the fact that he was the only boy in our home. Being raised by a crazy women and living with two girls (my cousin and I). All of his friends were females. Which I didn't think was a bad thing at all.
as we got older, we fought back more with our aunt (not physically) but mentally. told her how much of an evil person she was and how disgusted we are of her. I guess she couldn't bare the pain of her own guilt that she kicked us out and we move in with our eldest sister states away from us.

Even there, my brother and I fought constantly. Physically. This boy has insane anger issues and no respect for women. He fought all of us. All of my sisters. And he didn't get along at all with our brother's (who are very boy-ish and tough. Sports and picking on each other)
He hated being messed with and it was like walking on eggshells with him.

Again, everyone would suspect he was gay.
But I always chalked it up to him just being raised by women. Not to mention the death of our mother has probably caused some real psychological issues with him. He's never had a male figure in his life. Was never taught to respect women. (tough with women. Doesn't care, and will lay a finger on a female and hurt her) - at least.. he does with his sisters. Not his female friends.

All of my siblings are older now and we all live in the same state. We have supported each other through everything in life. We are ALL supporters of the gay community. Even my suspected to be gay brother. He is openly supportive of the gay community.

If my brother is gay, I would think all the anger is from him figuring himself out. Possibly angry that he is gay?
He's never had a girlfriend (that we've ever met). In school, he did have this crazy crush on this one tom-boy girl. Now that we are older, that tom-boy girl has completely transformed into a butch boy lesbian. She is very guy-like.

However, this past year...something has changed. My brother has friends who are gay. Best friends. He goes out with them and post pictures of him and these males all hanging out together. Shirts off sometimes.
He like's pictures of males on Facebook (shows up in my news feed) and the pictures he likes are of gay men.

He used to fight the comments of him being gay, so much that as a supportive sister, I refused to believe in the slightest way that he could ever be gay. So much that I believed myself. Not that I wouldn't be okay with it. I'm just in shock because for so long, I defended him against it.

A lot of his recent activity has been pointing to gay.
I just want him to be happy. And not angry anymore.

I don't know if I should ask him about it, or let him be.
I want him to know that I support him 100% in who he is. He may already know that.

[EvenOlderButWiser]

If your his sister, then the most important thing you can do is let him know you love him, no matter what.

He will tell you about his sexuality if and when the time is right. I would not recommend raising the question with him directly. If he is not ready to come out, then this may serve to drive a further wedge between you and him, which will not help matters.

As the holiday season is coming quite soon, why not invite him over for dinner while making it clear that he is welcome to bring along his girlfriend or boyfriend. Just casually drop it into the conversation. Even if he chooses not to react, he will know your there for him whatever. Believe me, that will make a BIG difference!

Good luck,
ObW
X

[Vigilias]

I wonder whose needs will be served most by forcing him to come out, if indeed he is gay.

Your need to be right and triumphantly declare that you were always right or his need for privacy and to come out when he is comfortable in doing so?

Does your "suspected to be gay" brother spend as much time writing to forums speculating on your sexuality?

Why do some straight people feel the need to expose their gay siblings?

Do you currently have nothing in your life to concentrate on? Hobbies, work, home, children, shopping or cleaning the bathroom. Are you so void of stimulation that you have to winkle out your "Suspected to be gay" brother's secrets?

Really, I suggest you find a more productive hobby!

[MisterTinkles]

I was raised around women. I never had a father around. I had some Uncles, but they had their own kids to deal with.

What does this matter if he is gay or not? He is a human being, thats all you need to know.
You love him or you dont. "Gay" has nothing to do with you loving him or not.

I can understand being raised around all females. I can also understand the frustration that can be built up inside a boy because of that. And I can see that turning into rage, very easily.

He has had bad experiences with women. Women who have made his life miserable and given him a feeling of worthlessness. I would be a freeking rage monster too.

I can also see where making "gay" comments all the time would also infuriate him to no end. You are putting a label on him for one thing, and you are making conditions as to his place on this earth for another, whether you know it or not. This can also be infuriating. I wouldn't want to be bothered by anybody who would treat me this way.

Until he can be treated as the man he is, and not some label or "gay" label, and have stipulations and conditions put into everything that is said to him....he will never be a calm person with any of his family.

He seems happy with his new friends because apparently they dont place all of this mentally debilitating garbage on him. He is who he is, and they like him for him just being a human being.

Until you can remove your labels off of him and his existence, and stop conditioning everything that is said to him, he will resist. Start talking to him like he is a decent human being....not a possible gay guy who you are "ok" with. Treat him like your brother, not a thing.

After all, thats only what any decent person wants.....to be treated like a human being, not a label with conditions.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

If my brother is gay, I would think all the anger is from him figuring himself out.

So having lost his only mother, never having a real family and all of this other stuff can't be the underlying cause of his anger?

Until he says 'I am gay' to you, consider him straight. I can't imagine what he thinks about life in general, but I assure you if you keep pestering him about his sexuality, eventually he will come to hate you. Regardless if he Straight, Gay, Bi - whatever.

As for being raised with nothing but women around him, that won't make him gay. Being abused may have done it - depends on the nature of the abuse.


As others have hinted at, the person you need to be asking why his sexuality is important is yourself.

And don't lay his anger issues at that door - there is enough other crap on his plate to be justifiable angry about.

[Dreamer]

You and your brother have been through a very tough upbringing.


Please note that him hating women has nothing to do with being gay,
but everything to do with his deep mental issues arising from all the traumas
from early on in his life.


Please note, as well, that growing up with only females around
does not determine a man's sexual orientation
(I'll explain below as to why).


Also, to debunk Bowyn Aerrow's ridiculous claim that abuse may had "turned him gay":
NO,
sexual orientation has nothing to do with being abused as a child
(be it verbally, physically, or sexually),
as you cannot become gay!


On another note,
I find it noble
that despite your rocky past with him growing up
(fighting and all)
that you'd come to his defense, in the past,
in response to others taunting him for being (keyword) perceived as gay.


Now on to the issue of him [COLOR="SandyBrown"]possibly being gay:[/COLOR]


I know that the suspicion and curiosity is just eating you up inside,
but DO NOT bring it up to him by asking,
insinuating, or accusing him in anyway that he is gay!


[SIZE="3"][COLOR="Purple"]You don't know that!
That's why you're wondering in the first place![/COLOR][/SIZE]


If he is gay,
for you to force it out of him is not your role as a good sister.


Also, if he is gay,
you putting that pressure on him to tell you
would more than likely cause him to never admit it to you,
thus, leaving you a lifetime of curiosity angst!


When he is ready to tell you (if he even is gay),
he will let you know on his terms, NOT your own!


Shit, he may never tell you,
as some people don't like labels
(him especially for being teased with labels and all, growing up).


If you add the fact that he hates women into the equation;
him never telling you becomes way more likely.


What you should do:


Continue supporting and loving him unconditionally.

[southbiochem]

There is a bit of a mix-up here...

even when in fact he's gay and hurting over it, there has been plenty of crap on his (and your) life to make up for this anger issues..

so first things first, he needs therapy to deal with his anger...specially if he gets violent with you

secondly, he needs to know thet he has you're support...

but you will gain nothing questioning him I'm afraid...except maybe further bad behavior towards you

Just let him know that you're ok with him living his life the way he deems best, that despite all of the crap you love him and that he can count on you for anything..

That's really all you can do

[MarieSG]

Thank you everyone.
I agree, I wouldn't ask him. Just didn't know if I should. He knows or should know that we all support him. I never mention it, even when my husband tells me that he's always thought my brother is gay, I tell him that I don't know. We don't know. WE wont know unless he decides to tell us. So for me at least - I assume he is straight. Not that I care what his sexuality is.
I guess it's just the curiosity.
I know theres a possibility that we may never know.
We have a very close family friend who is gay. He is my sister's best friend and his family has no idea that he is gay. They ask him. They assume he's dating my sister and talk about future things. He tells them they are just friends. But I guess the pressure he feels from his family assuming he is straight and dating my sister...only pushes him back further into never telling them. They live in a separate state. But he is very open with my family and his friends.

I would want my brother to be open with us.

I just want my brother to be happy and not feel like he needs to hide who he is.
I know you can't become gay. And I know living with women won't make you gay!
That was just my excuse when people would pick on him. I didn't know what else to say. I guess.

As far as the anger goes. We have mentioned how it would be great for him to see someone. We can't make him go. But we've talked about it. We've given him options and offered help.
He said he was open to the idea but never did it and we can only push it so much.

I am having the holidays at my new house this year.
I want to invite him, so that is a great idea. I can send him a plus one invitation.

[Woollyhats]

If you want to that you can say "bring your girlfriend or boyfriend or whatever.". Using open language consistently is powerful in telling people you accept them regardless of orientation. I am going to say something that many here might not like -- but if a severe emergency arises (examples; him being depressed and you feel his sexuality is the cause, or he is sick and a boyfriend shows up not knowing what to do, etc.) For his safety you will probably have to frankly acknowledge him. In this circumstance try to be clear that you support him, even saying "I support you".

I'm sorry if that's depressing... For now, do your best to be open to having a gay brother, and use your language to tell him you're open -- but not necessarily pushing. Hopefully he comes out to you.... Coming out can be hilarious by the way if you let it be, because he might not know what to say when he does... So making light of that might make it less tension filled if that ever happens.

[trialbyerror]

May I weigh in on this?

Butt out.

Leave him alone.

It's got nothing to do with you.

It is his decision if, when and to who.

Be his big sis, not his psycologist

Trial