Grindr and paranoia

[24747]

First and foremost, I would like to thank you all in advance for taking the time to read my post. I have tried on several occasions to speak to my friends about my dilemma, but somewhat find it difficult to open up in fear that they might not be able to understand considering they aren't, shall we say, 'familiar' with homosexual relationships.

I have been with my boyfriend for four months or so and recently I have learnt that he has been using Grindr as a tool to network with various students in his university. It has not been easy for me to trust guys in the past given the promiscuous nature of most homosexual men in the city of London. However, he is a lovely man and even though I have always had doubts in the back of my mind, he has never given me a reason to distrust him until I saw the app on his phone whilst he was scrolling through it. And in that moment, my trust had slowly and completely dissipated and I'm scared that we might not be able to rebuild it and go back to how we were.

I don't want to lose him but my insecurities are starting to manifest into paranoia, jealousy and other negative feelings that I have experienced with my previous partner. I believe that trust is the basis of a happy and fulfilling relationship and without it, the relationship will not go any further and eventually fail.

[Geminize]

Welcome to GS-

I think you're going to have to give us a little more to go on here. What exactly do you mean your bf is using grindr to "network"? We all know what grindr is for, and that would be one thing you could call it. It would be a stretch for me to be ok with a bf using that app for anything.

When you noticed grindr on his phone did he know that? Have you talked with him about it? Four months in is not that long, so this could be a good opportunity to get clear about expectations you have in a relationship. Don't assume you have the same ones. If it's important to you that he is not on grindr (understandable) he needs to hear why. Trust is important in a relationship, but you need to work on it. Don't give up on him yet.

[24747]

I did ask him why he had Grindr on his phone and he anxiously replied with a, "My mates and I use it to find out the gays in my university and to network with graduate students who potentially could help me get an internship" but to me, it is not justifiable despite his convincing explanation. We are both at university and I, myself, have taken part in events specifically organised for students who want to broaden their network so it's hard for me to believe his reason(s) for having it.

It sounds so pathetic that I'm acting like this over an app, but I never liked the whole concept of Grindr and what it is commonly used for. Am I overreacting? Should I just let it go and take his word for it?

[EvenOlderButWiser]

to GS.

So lets not beat about the bush so to speak. Grindr, or any smartphone app like that has been designed for a target market with one thing in mind. Casual sexual hookups.

Now Im not saying that everyone uses it for that. I have it on my phone, but I genuinely just use it to chat to people and have never met anyone off of it (honest!)

However, in the environment that you are currently both in, I do not believe his excuse is even remotely believable, so I can understand your doubts.

You need to sit down and discuss this with him, and ensure that he understands the situation/turmoil you find yourself in. If he's not willing to delete it, there and then and in front of you, then I think the writing is on the wall.

If he has nothing to hide, then you could ask to see his phone. Brutal perhaps, but his reaction to that request will be a true test of just how innocent his use of the app is.....

BTW, your reaction is not pathetic in any way. Your in a (monogamous) relationship with this guy. Not only is he playing with your emotions, he is potentially playing with your health as well.

Good Luck


ObW
X

[Bowyn Aerrow]

"My mates and I use it to find out the gays in my university and to network with graduate students who potentially could help me get an internship"

I don't have the app - for that matter I do not have a phone that is able to run that app. All I have to go on is web definitions of the app and what sites say:

https://www.google.com/#psj=1&q=what+is+grindr

grindr
Web definitions

• Grindr is a geosocial networking application geared towards gay, bisexual, and bi-curious men. It runs on iOS, Blackberry OS, and Android devices. Available for download from the Apple App Store and Google Play, Grindr comes in both free and subscription-based versions. ...
  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Grindr
  

This sounds plausible based on what I have read.

It wouldn't be the first time that an invention devised for one thing has found uses for other things.


What I have heard, on the other hand that 'networking' is a new slang term for sex.



You have entered into this relationship with a hefty chunk of negativity:
" It has not been easy for me to trust guys in the past given the promiscuous nature of most homosexual men...."

I assure you if you look for the devil you will find him. Meaning if you look to find a unfaithful partner you will end up with one.

I strongly suggest you two sit down and have a communication type talk. NOT an accusing type talk.

Express your doubt that he is using Grind'r for networking - tell him point blank that you believe Grindr to be a sex hook-up app and never have heard it used to do what he claims it is doing.

Also tell him that you are a devout monogamists.

From my own personal experiences, yes men are predominately pigs. I'm sorry. This isn't just a gay thing - all men, gay, bi, straight are piggy in their behaviors to one degree or another (yes this includes you and me). We are all being pressured into doing things because our little head is more talkative at times then our big head.

How each man deals with that pressure depends on the man and his situation. The only reason why straight men are not hooking up as often as gay men is because women control the situation when it comes to straights and sex. And Women are told right from the start that they are a slut if they have lots of sex, and no woman wants to be a slut. Men, on the other hand, are called studs for the same behavior - and stud is a positive.

Men are literally designed for promiscuity, the shape of the penis, having a head, the length of time intercourse takes place, the 'pumping' action is not about getting off, its about sucking out potential competitors previously uploaded ejaculate.

I can not stress this enough, this is not a 'gay issue' this is a 'male issue'.

Monogamy is an unnatural state of affairs for human males. Monogamy for 20 something year olds is much harder than for 30 something year olds. At age 30 the hormones start to drop.

With all of that said. How reasonable is it to expect total monogamy from a man? I would say is is pretty close to being unrealistic.

Yes there are those of us in the world who can and often do strict monogamy. We are the minority and apparently we don't date each other often enough.

So if you want to stick with this relationship I strongly suggest you work on finding acceptance that strict monogamy may not be possible for him. Of course open relationships require a hella lot of work to work, but I think it can be done as long as both partners are open and honest about their hook-ups.

Can you do that? IDK.

Assuming for the moment that he is actually using Grind'r the way he says he is, I think it is reasonable for you to express doubt that that is a wise thing to do since most guys using it are looking for 'just sex' and do not see it as a way to network with the gay men in their area for other things like getting internships.


I do wish you all the luck in the world.

[MisterTinkles]

I did ask him why he had Grindr on his phone and he anxiously replied with a, "My mates and I use it to find out the gays in my university and to network with graduate students who potentially could help me get an internship" but to me, it is not justifiable despite his convincing explanation. We are both at university and I, myself, have taken part in events specifically organised for students who want to broaden their network so it's hard for me to believe his reason(s) for having it.

It sounds so pathetic that I'm acting like this over an app, but I never liked the whole concept of Grindr and what it is commonly used for. Am I overreacting? Should I just let it go and take his word for it?

If that is the reason he is using it, there are professional business app's for that purpose.

Im not saying he's a liar, but there are business app's of all sorts, for "networking" and finding contacts to help you get a good job or internship. Grindr is NOT one of them.

I would let him know that there are business app's for what he claims, and Grindr is not one of them. Unless he's looking for a job in the porn industry, he's not going to get anywhere with what he says he's using it for.

[Woollyhats]

I understand your position... But perhaps your boyfriend isn't cheating on you. I actually had Grindr on my phone briefly (literally less than an hour), to see if anyone near me was gay.

I immediately discovered who the (other) gays in my program were. I did this more for curiosity sake than anything else.

Another gay friend I have has it for much the same reason --- and he actually has a boyfriend too.

That said --- the reason I immediately removed it from my phone was out of respect for my boyfriend, and I actually told him what I had just done when I did it, because I felt like I had done something wrong.

Perhaps your boyfriend isn't naturally sensitive, but that doesn't mean he's cheating on you --- tell him how that makes you feel, suggest removing it because it scares you. This is also a good time to start setting boundries and relationship rules if you already haven't, because clarity will help prevent this in the future -- or at least help you in deciding whether this relationship is really what you want. Consider that he might have had the app before he met you, and never bothered to delete it. If he does delete it when you suggest him to, try to focus on the fact that he does care about you, rather than that he had the app in the first place.


A note: Cheaters almost always get found out. If he is cheating on you, you will eventually discover it. So don't be so preoccupied with cheating that you ruin your relationship --- if it's happening, you'll find out, and if it's not happening, you have a great guy from the sounds of your post that you can enjoy.

I hope that you find that you can trust your boyfriend --- and in the worst case scenario, I hope you become stronger and know that his behavior is not your fault and reflects on him rather than you. Good luck .

[LateBloomer]

Four months into the relationship.

Hindsight is 20/20 for sure so it's VERY easy for me to say you should have outlined the "terms" of this relationship at the very beginning, BUT, if you see this going any farther you need to draw those lines in the sand now.

He needs to know what you NEED out of the relationship and where the lines are that he shouldn't cross. In other words: what are the deal breakers.

Be clear:
Casual sex with others?
Violence?
Drugs?
Alcohol?
Diseases?

It's your relationship. You get to decide what you want to live with.
Good luck.

[BobInTampa]

There's not much i can add to the list of great posts above - there's some GREAT advice there. So, for me, i'll focus on YOUR feelings that are driving your anxiety.

Look, you're only 24. That's not a bad thing, but, you've had limited life experience and so the real danger you're facing is that you have this inner voice (trying to protect you from being hurt again by a cheating bf) that's feeding your anxiety. That voice is also skewing how you process his answers.

At first when you posted your BF's response to your question about why he was on Grindr, i was like many of the others on this thread and thought.."BULLSHIT." Then i asked a few of my younger gay friends (i'm 50 and the guys i chatted with are all in their mid- to late-20's. All but one of them really DOES use Grindr for chatting and socializing. I asked them, what about facebook and other social media - they all said that Grindr is for GAY MEN - Facebook is for everyone. So, while alot of guys use Grindr only to find a random sex partner, among alot of guys your age it's not unreasonable to accept the fact that he's just chatting.

So, to put things into a diffrent perspective, let me ask you how you'd respond to this. Your BF texts you and tells you to meet him at a local gay bar/club after class. You walk in and see him in a small group of guys - guys you DON'T KNOW - and he's laughing and slapping their backs and even hugs and kisses a guy as he leaves. DO YOU THINK HE"S HITTING ON OR FLIRTING WITH THOSE GUYS? Be honest? I'll take it a step further. You come up to him, he smiles at you and gives you a hug and a kiss, introduces you to the guys and keeps on chatting with the group. DO YOU GET MAD BECAUSE HE DIDN'T STOP TALKING TO THE GUYS AND IMMEDIATLY LEAVE TO A DIFFERENT PART OF THE BAR TO BE ALONE WITH YOU? Ok, 1 more question. You're still in the group of guys, you leave to use the bathroom and when coming back you again see him with his arm around a guy and laughing even more. DO YOU FEEL JEALOUS AND FEEL HE USED THE OPPORTUNITY TO FLIRT WITH THAT GUY WHILE YOU WERE IN THE BATHROOM?

If you said YES to any of those questions - you have self-directed trust issues. You need to work real hard at NOT assuming any and every guy you meet and fall in love with WILL CHEAT ON YOU!

Like i said - and i often say when counseling guys your age: Statistically, you're going to meet and fall in love with 5-7 guys in your life. How those relationships end can't be predicted with ONE exception: BEING CLINGY AND POSSESSIVE!

Oh, and just saying to a guy, "I have trust issues because i was hurt in the past by a cheating boyfriend" is NOT a justification to mistrust a bf. Until you catch him cheating - and you NEED to define for him what is cheating to you - you MUST learn to trust unconditionally. Just know you run a big risk if your definition of cheating is: Looking at, joking with, texting, emailing or any other contact with any other gay man. That's unreasonable and will most likely end up costing you a NUMBER of potential life-partners and leave you feeling VERY VERY VERY alone and bitter!

Learn to let go. Learn to trust. Love yourself. Be kind. Be fair. Be honest. You'll attract and retain guys with similar traits!