So I know that it's a little unusual that I've been here for such a long time without posting this, but to be honest, had I posted this sooner I wouldn't have taken offered advice very seriously.
I have a simple issue, and that's telling my mom I'm gay. Oh, and dating someone.
As wonderful as this year has been, with school, meeting new people, and having an unexpected boyfriend, it's very much highlighted the stupidity of my, "I don't need to tell anyone I'm gay until I'm comfortable and on my own." decision.
That's going to be in 3-5 years. I have a boyfriend. It's wrong to make him wait that long to be open with my family. Plus, I have no valid reason to live by that decision any more, I don't really fear homelessness or being beaten if I live openly at this point. That's not my life any more.
So I'm in the horribly stupid situation where my boyfriend has come out to his borderline homophobic parents, and I have a mom who leans towards supporting gay rights who I've never told. She also probably doesn't know, I moved out of an abusive home with her last year, and it took a long time for us to kind of settle in and truly be comfortable. And, amid the money issues, court with my father, my brother's depression and dealing with his drug use, brief homelessness, etc., I didn't want to be like, "By the way #gay." on top of that.
So I joined this forum and told some friends as a compromise, so I wouldn't feel guilty. And it's helped, but I can't let things stay as they are. I'm smart, and I can rationalize why I'm not coming forward all I want, but at the end of the day my excuses just aren't cutting it, and there is a need for honesty right now even if I am nervous.
So it boils down to several questions,
- Should I tell my family before Christmas?? Is that a bad time??
- How do you even have this discussion? What do you even say? What did you say when you told your family?
Last note, there always seems to be that person that says, "Why do you feel the need to tell your family?". The answer is simply that it's because I love my family and want to be myself with them.
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1. Only you can judge that.
2. Generally the discussion flows from something said and become and 'Oh by the way...' sort of discussion, but you could also tell your Mum that you need to talk to her about something private and important to you when she has the time and let her embrace the converation from there.
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Woollyhats Wrote:it's very much highlighted the stupidity of my, "I don't need to tell anyone I'm gay until I'm comfortable and on my own." decision.
No, dearest formerly-known-as-Kuma, it's not stupid.
However, a few things have changed since you made that statement, and I believe you have reached a comfortable place to do it.
Woollyhats Wrote:I have a boyfriend. It's wrong to make him wait that long to be open with my family. Plus, I have no valid reason to live by that decision any more, I don't really fear homelessness or being beaten if I live openly at this point. That's not my life any more.
It's good that you are taking into considerations his feelings in all of this, but it's not a matter of being forced into it by this or that reason, like "I have to come out cause he is out"...now, I don't think that's your case, and you seem to have a good environment and
Woollyhats Wrote:I moved out of an abusive home with her last year, and it took a long time for us to kind of settle in and truly be comfortable. And, amid the money issues, court with my father, my brother's depression and dealing with his drug use, brief homelessness, etc., I didn't want to be like, "By the way #gay." on top of that.
Those are valid reasons for you to have remained hidden so far, you rationalized it very well.
Woollyhats Wrote:So it boils down to several questions,
- Should I tell my family before Christmas?? Is that a bad time??
- How do you even have this discussion? What do you even say? What did you say when you told your family?
1.- It really depends on wehn you are more comfortable about it...from what I see about your mom maybe she wouldn't have that much trouble with it...but maybe doing it close to the Holidays is not the best idea..if things are hectic and there's a lot of stress, in general, it's not adviceable to pick those moments..perhaps you could wait afterwards
2.- Have you considered introducing him to them? Something like casually saying you want to invite someone special to you, your BF, home..and then.."yes, it's a dude" without putting so much importance to the sentence?
I would deem good for them to see you have someone who makes you happy, so it's less of a shock than just saying "I like dudes"...maybe
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Woollyhats Wrote:So it boils down to several questions,
- Should I tell my family before Christmas?? Is that a bad time??
- How do you even have this discussion? What do you even say? What did you say when you told your family?
Last note, there always seems to be that person that says, "Why do you feel the need to tell your family?". The answer is simply that it's because I love my family and want to be myself with them. It's exciting to be at that point, and hard to move forward not knowing how people will react. I agree with everyone else: the timing is up to you. If the holidays are otherwise stressful in your family, wait until later. If you think you will be distracted from being present and enjoying your family holiday, then you might want to tell them sooner.
It was a year ago that I came out to my family with a boyfriend. I first told them (individually) that I was seeing someone new. That way they were feeling happy for me. Then I said I had a boyfriend. Their happy feelings mixed with their surprise at this, but the happy feelings won out. My boyfriend came to my family's holiday gathering, and everybody liked him.
Of course, I'm in a different stage of life than you. You'll have your own experience. "The answer is simply that it's because I love my family and want to be myself with them." There you go. I hope you have the best holiday ever!
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1- I don't think is a bad time, is just like another moment of the year, but you have decided to do that, so it automatically became a good time, the main point is if you want to wait or you need to tell them this thing as soon as possible.
2- It depends, but maybe because of these other problems in your family, you need to ask your mother when she's got a bit of time to talk about something important and private. Maybe you can say that isn't a bad or dangerous thing to reassure her. (In fact is an happy thing, you're in love!)
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3 - Reading a lot of your post here on GS I had the impression that you're a very good boy, maybe for your difficult life you're so mature for your age and also intelligent. Most of the people of your age(and also over 20...) are kids, but you always talk like a man. I admire you.
I think you're perfectly able to face your coming out, I don't think something will go wrong, cause you can find the exact words in your heart and head. You know your parents and you're capable to talk with them at the same level.
And however if something goes wrong wouldn't be a fault.
I believe in you and your decision, and I wish you the best.
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Woollyhats Wrote:So it boils down to several questions,
- Should I tell my family before Christmas?? Is that a bad time??
- How do you even have this discussion? What do you even say? What did you say when you told your family?
Well you could expand on those questions.
Should you tell befor new years? befor easter next year? before somones birthday?
Its not like christmas is next week, its more than two weeks away.
Are you just using christmas as an excuse to keep putting off saying anything?
Why not turn it around and use christmas as an excuse to say something.
I'm my opinion just saying "There is something I have to tell you, I'm gay", tends to people on the defencive, and there is no way to respond without making a big deal out of it. (or sounding like they are ignoring you its kinda depressing when all they say back is "thats nice" or "Okay, so anyway")
Why not say that there is a guy you have been seeing and you would like to spend some time with him over the christmas period.
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Still dont understand this overblown and useless "NEED" for people to be spreading their personal information around like its some kind of sales gimmick.
People either love you, or they dont. I dont know HOW many billions of times I have to say this.
If you are a good, decent human being....than thats all ANY other decent human being needs to know. They are NOT going to care if you bring home a male date or a female date. As long as that person treats you decently and with some respect, then thats all ANY decent person needs to know.
If people have to find reasons to love or like you, then dont waste your time being around them. They arent worth it.
Once you introduce your boyfriend, Im sure they are capable of putting together "2+2".
And parents/family or no.......if they dont like your preference in dates, then thats THEIR faults/issues/problems, not yours.
This debilitating mental hetero "safeguard" to keeping homosexuals down and categorized into this "closet", is what keeps being a decent human for many kids and adults from happening. The hetero society has mindfucked "gays" into believing that this "closet" is something that needs to be....and there is NO reason for it.
Yeah, Im getting on my soapbox, cause Im tired of this! Its got to STOP!
The ONLY "closet" there is, is the one you allow yourself to be brainwashed into believing you need to be in, by the "straight"/hetero society.
FUCK THEM. I dont care WHO they are, or WHAT they believe. I am NO object to be placed into any "closet", or to have my personal preferences paraded in public and sold to the highest media rapist.
Just BE who YOU are. Nothing more. If you bring home a male date, they will "get it".
Nothing need be said about your personal life.
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Well you say your mom is for gay rights... I say Christmas Prezzie sorted >.<
THB I'm getting Hypnotized by tinkles signature and I will obey.
BUT Do it when you feel ready. And you are talking about it so you sound like you very muchly want to tell her. So why not in an Xmas card or something. Or tell her face to face... The awkwardness of my coming out to my mum Gawd.
"So Josh about the computer history"
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How is it going? Any news?
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