Need some advice. Please

[Sylph]

Yeah, Sex is the least important thing to me in a relationship but it is a curiosity I had. Not so much a concern like everything else I mentioned. Thank you for the input, if he does want to ask me out I'd give him a chance

Omg yes. Its gonna be so much fun I can tell :3 Have fuuunn

[Woollyhats]

I think he sounds like a good match for you, based on what you said. Sex isn't your focal point, so if sex is difficult or doesn't happen all of the time, it won't be a deal breaker for you.

Also, people in wheel chairs learn to be basically self sufficient. Yes, he'll obviously need a little help, but you're not really going to be his nanny.

[Sylph]

I think he sounds like a good match for you, based on what you said. Sex isn't your focal point, so if sex is difficult or doesn't happen all of the time, it won't be a deal breaker for you.

Also, people in wheel chairs learn to be basically self sufficient. Yes, he'll obviously need a little help, but you're not really going to be his nanny.

Unless he's into that, because I have a slutty nurse outfit...for no particular reason, that you could use. It never got used...not that I planned it for anything anyways >,>

"Nurse Jack, I need some help oiling my gears"

"Yes sir, would you like me to lubricate your gears slowly for maximum efficiency?"

:| I was a Concubine in the Temple of Artemis versed in the ways of seduction and assassination in the wars of the Olympians...

Hermes was not as quick as you would think :0

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Axe him. Whoops I meant ASK him.

Honestly honesty is the best policy. Your tip toeing around the subject(s) ain't doing anyone any good.

He most likely will chuckle at some of your questions, but will also understand that there is most likely no common frame of reference for you on this one.

Most wheel chair bound people take it as given that most walking people are clueless about what its like to be in a wheel chair and where everything goes, how this is done, how that is done - the most simplest of things (for walkers) is a huge unknown when it comes to doing something in a wheel chair.

Like it or not if you two did get in a relationship you will doing things he can't do, such as getting things down out of that cabinet that is over the refrigerator - you two will most likely joke about it, him saying you are taller than him or something - but that is as much a 'problem' as that will be.

As for sex or the ability - Hmm a lot of people in a wheel chair have no problem with their equipment there - some do, some don't, depends on what happened and what the underlying issue is. So this is going to be one of those personal questions you need to reserve for a time when you two are alone. Not something you blurt out over Sunday dinner with the folks... Just saying.

Will he need more help in time - oh trust me honey, as we all get older we all need more help... :biggrin: honestly, without knowing what his condition is (why he is in a wheel chair) can't begin to answer if he will need 'more help'.

You know him better than me, if he lives alone and dresses himself and gets in and out of bed by himself, and assuming he is about 20 - you can figure he most likely will being doing all of that on his own for the next oh 50 to 60 years. Unless he has a disability that is progressively worsening.

Oh and don't fool yourself, sex in a relationship is important, if it wasn't important there would be far less than a 51% turn over rate on marriages. Humans are sexual beings and sex does play some key roles in bonding with partners, and maintaining the relationship. Plenty of couples counselors will tell you just how important a little role-playing can be in saving a marriage (sexual role-playing). So your concern about relations in a relationship is a sign of a healthy libido, and is something you seriously do need to consider if its that important to you to even consider.

Don't be ashamed to have that on your mind.

Of course the real thing here is is he interested in you that way? I'm assuming something was said, or a look was given which got your mind to thinking about this stuff. Perhaps as sort of a segway into 'do you like me' you can start dropping some innocent questions about what he needs in a relationship when it comes to his condition.

The fact that you are asking will, if he is clever, clue him in that you are also interested and curious here. Hopefully he is clever and will relieve you of your terrible burden and answer questions you may have before you have to ask them... if you know what I mean :tongue:

[Anonymous]

Thank you Boywn Aerrow for your input, I appreciate it. I did some more research from medical journals and I realize the extent of his situation a little more. I can't fully understand living in a wheelchair because I don't need to, but I do understand a little more than I did before. From what I know he is pretty independent in taking care of himself, I'm just worried I would try to do too much for him and make things awkward.. Part of my personality I guess. I'm just worried that if I was with him that I wouldn't be able to help him when he needs it, I don't want to let anyone I'm with down basically. I will talk with him about it to learn more about his personal situation and to better understand him. He is still a great guy in my mind, I just want to make sure I don't make him feel like less than a person.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

You really need to talk to this individual and see what he says. Bring this stuff up to him.

Look I do way hella too much for my partners regardless of ability. Its in my nature, I'm what is called a 'caretaker personality'. If you are that way then you are that way, and it won't matter if he is in a wheel chair or fully ambulatory on his legs, you are going to tend to be 'too helpful'.

If this is the case, then when it comes time to decide if you and he are becoming an 'US' or perhaps even just let him know now you are that way, he will have to accept you for you which includes this overly helpful streak of yours.

You are worrying too much here, over things that will sort themselves out IF you two get in a relationship.

Your cart is about ten miles before this particular horse - you are already worrying about shit that could possibly take place in a relationship and from what I have read no discussion has been raised that there will be dating, let alone marriage/relationship.

Just try to go with the flow here, be friends, get to know one another - eventually the wheel chair will cease to matter- it becomes less important the more you are around him.

Its like eye glasses - do you worry if a person is going to go blind because they are wearing glasses? Worry about what happens when it comes time to kiss or hug - OMG how are we going to manage a kiss with those glasses right there in the way? In fact the glasses often become so much the part of the person we find the person strange without their glasses on.

Similar thing will happen with the wheel chair, it will be just part of him and not that important, if noticed at all.

[Anonymous]

I just want to be prepared. Him in a wheelchair is something we have never really discussed before, and I've never considered what it would mean to be with someone in one. I started to think about it because he has really hinted that he would like to date me, I had concerns but I didn't want to bombard him with questions right after he started to show an attraction for me. I didn't want in any way to take that feeling away from him right after he got it. I've never really noticed the wheelchair after getting to know him more, so him bringing up the possibility of dating made me realize it and think about it again (not in a negative way of course). I just want to prepare myself mentally because if we do date I wouldn't want to hurt him for something that could be figured out before trying. If he does ask me out I'll agree to it, he is a great guy

And I know I'm a worrywart. Just trying to be prepared though.