Need some support/advice!

[TeamFreeWill]

I've not got a particular question I want answered, as such, I'm merely looking for peoples opinions on a situation I'm in and am looking for advice on how to proceed...

This is a kind of long story, so I guess I should start from the beginning:

I met this guy called Macauley about 6 years ago now, and we quickly became great friends and are now practically inseparable... Well to cut a really long story short... We started to do stuff with each other whenever I was over at his house about a year ago... I can't really remember how it started happening, but it started out as kind of fore-play stuff like jerking each other off and such... And we'd do this every time I stayed at his house... It soon progressed to me giving him head (we're both clean, so unsafe sex isn't an issue). And more recently it's become that and more... Like we've not actually had anal sex yet, but we've kind of alluded to it with humping and teasing and the like...

All of that sounds like a perfectly normal thing to be happening in a relationship... BUT THAT'S EXACTLY MY PROBLEM, we've never once spoken a word about our nighttime activities to anyone, not even each other... When we're in bed with each other the most noise you'll hear is deep breathing or the occasional sharp breath... And as soon as we're finished we just go to sleep without a word or a kiss or anything... The next morning we'll wake up and he'll act as if nothing has even happened... And this happens every time.

Another spanner in the works is that Macauley and myself are not out, not even to each other... The only person I've even told about my Pansexuality is one girl called Nina... Although I am almost certain that Macauley is something other that straight (considering the mix of straight and gay porn in his browser history and out late night activities), the fact he hasn't told anyone leads me to believe he is uncomfortable with this side of himself, which may be why he doesn't want to discuss what we do...

I personally have quite strong feelings for Macauley and would love to talk to him about it and maybe even take our relationship to the next level if that's what he wants... But I fear that if I bring it up and he isn't comfortable with it, that it might ruin our friendship/relationship...

And just to complicate it even more it seems that currently Macauley has a pretty large crush on a girl... But all throughout this crush he's still been sleeping with me... Which is just immensely confusing... He's not even mentioned having feelings for a guy before...

It's occurring to me now that he might just be using me as a devise to explore his gay side, as a kind of non-payed friend-prostitute so that he can sleep with a guy while still pursuing women, and under NO circumstances will I allow that to continue... I'm currently still a virgin and if he's going to have full-on anal sex with me and take that part of me away then I don't just want it to be completely meaningless for him. He himself is not a virgin, he lost it to a girl a few months ago, but describes the matter as absolutely intolerable, and completely hated the experience (with that girl at least, it hasn't seemed to publicly deter him from liking women).

Does anyone possible have an idea of what might be going on, what do you think after reading all that? Any comments you'd like to make on the situation? Anything is welcome, and thanks in advance!

[driftwood]

I'm not one to give advice - I'm mainly here to get answers - but it seems clear to me that the object of your affection is clearly bisexual. If you find that offensive, or if you are looking for fidelity and not prepared to put up with anything else, you will need eventually to confront him with this. As a bisexual man myself, I have found that the only way I can reconcile my behavior is to be either gay or hetero during any one particular time, and add that I also need to be faithful to my chosen (male or female) during that time. This does not mean that I am not aware of my attraction for both sexes. I am always aware of both. If he cannot do the same, at least while he is with you, You need to forget him and move on. There may be tremendous pain involved there, but you need to consider your own needs.

~questioning

[EvenOlderButWiser]

it seems to me that given both your ages, you are both going through a phase of sexual discovery, albiet with each other.

You describe yourself as bi, is that what you believe, or is that just a label that your comfortable with?

You mention that unsafe sex is not an issue. Well it is should be, and you should be thinking of your own safety (as well as his) Do you know 100% that he's not having sexual contact with anyone else (m or f)? Would he tell you if he was? Just remember its very easy to say your "clean" but its also true that in most cases there is no physical symptom of having an STD, at least until you have already caught it and the symptoms are visible (depending on which STD of course)

Your at the stage in the relationship - we'll call it that for now - where you should not be afraid of asking questions about sexuality etc. If you don't and this goes on for longer, then you really run the risk of being badly hurt emotionally if he dumps you, or worse finds someone else to be intimate with.

It does sound like your in the classic "fuck buddy" relationship, where there is no emotional involvement just the physical act of sex.

You need to have the courage to face up to him and have the discussion. And have it before your next sexual encounter. Depending on his response, and willingness to discuss you should get a pretty good feel for what's going on.

Don't be afraid to come back here for further advice. Your in the right place for that.

Good Luck,
ObW
X

[TeamFreeWill]

Do you know 100% that he's not having sexual contact with anyone else (m or f)? Would he tell you if he was? Just remember its very easy to say your "clean" but its also true that in most cases there is no physical symptom of having an STD, at least until you have already caught it and the symptoms are visible (depending on which STD of course)

I'm 100% positive on the fact that both of us are clean... We've both had the tests, and I've seen his results, and he's normally really open and frank about most things, so I know that apart from me he's only had sex one other time, and the tests were after that so there really shouldn't be an issue... I think that even though he seems not to like discussing it, he'd be kind enough to tell me something that would risk my health, the same way I would tell him. Thanks!

And in regards to the ideas of the other reply, I'm happy whether he's Bi, Gay or something completely different and I understand fully that he's going to still find other genders attractive IF he ever is with me. And I know on my sidebar thingy it says Bi, but that's merely because there wasn't a Pansexual option... But then Bi is close enough for it to be acceptable. That itself means I know how hard it is to only focus on one gender... Because I find them all attractive (well it comes down more to personality with me, but hey ho!)

And just in general... Thanks for the reply's they've been a really great help! I'm at his on Friday which almost guarantees something will happen, so I think Ill discuss it with him then... I'm currently thinking of doing it over coffee in a public, but still quite private, place so that he feels less able to over react... Because knowing that in public he cant storm away if its something he doesn't want to face, he's more likely to discuss it with me... Is that the right way to do it though? Any further advice?

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Or you are both using each other as a way to get off.

Which may be more to the point if you two are actively having sexual relationships, its just two guys scratching an itch.

I'm not going to lie to you and tell you there is no possiblity of rejection, There is a very real risk that if you start talking about love, relationship and other stuff he will dump you in a heart beat.

However, there is more of a risk here that this will continue and you will become more and more frustrated and eventually end up passing up on a guy (or gal) who can really satisfy the emotional needs you have.

Clearly he isn't straight. Clearly you are both young and trying to find out who 'Me' (yourself/himself) is in this world. Seems to me you have a better idea since you are self proclaimed 'pansexual'. However you do have a ways to go from being self proclaimed to being open and honest about it.

And him? IDK - gay, straight, bi whatever if you two can't or won't talk about the fact you are fooling around - having sex with one another then someone is living in denial about who 'Me' really is.

Is it you living in denial here? No? Then it may be up to you to bring up the subject and talk about the obvious white elephant standing between you two.

Yes there is a risk he will reject you, there is also the risk that he will want a bit more from you than just head - like something more closely resembling a relationship - whatever that is when there are two closeted people in love with one another.

[southbiochem]

He is very much not straight, that's clear..

I'm afraid that you'll have to take the risk..

certainly, neither you nor him are comfortable in telling people about your orientation, so you should be honest with him, say "I'm starting to like you a lot", hope for the best and expect the worse..

one of the possible reactions is that in fact he uses you as a way to explore this side of him that he's not comfortable with..

once you talk bout serious attachment, one of the possibe scenarios is that he dumps you faster than a lightning hitting the ground..

It's a risk, but certainly you cannot let yourself be the play thing nor use him as such..

[Complicated]

I agree with what everyone else is saying so far. The only reason it would make sense to continue the silence between you two is if you both are comfortable with it and apparently you are not. I think you should tell him how you feel. Having sex with him, especially since your a virgin, would be unwise in my opinion. Save that part of yourself for someone who cares (easier said then done).

Yes, bringing this up may cause you both to feel uncomfortable at first but I think its important for you to find out where you stand with this guy. If something this important to you shreds your relationship maybe its for the best.