Confused about husband's sexuality.

[luna12345]

I know what I'm about to say may sound very evil but I was thinking if only I had a gay friend who I can ask to hit on my husband when I'm not around and see how my husband reacts.
=( I just feel hopeless.

[luna12345]

What if i create an email address and contact my husband through Facebook or email pretending to be a gay man? Do you think I would get some answers or should I not go there?

[marshlander]

Dear Luna,

I was looking at your thread and had to join GS (again) to be able to make a contribution to this discussion. I had forgotten how flakey this message system can be and lost a whole detailed reply and now I don't have time to write it all out again. Sorry, but I'll do what I can.

I am sorry to hear that you are experiencing this difficulty in your marriage. All relationships experience challenges, but it sounds like yours has some particular features that could do with unravelling a little.

You can only be responsible for what you do. You cannot take responsibility for your husband's attitudes and behaviour. We also only have your side, your interpretation and your concerns, so all I can do here is address those as though they are the whole story.

Being brought up in a religious tradition can have lasting and damaging consequences. I was raised in a homophobic pseudo-Christian cult. I married early and fathered children, but I always knew something was wrong. It was not until I was approaching forty that I began to entertain the possibility that I could be gay and in denial. It was a very painful experience and I needed a lot of help to get through that period. There are many traditions within Islam that are also homophobic, sometimes violently so. Trying to get your husband to acknowledge that he prefers men over women is like trying to get him to admit that grass is orange. It is something that just may not be within the realms of possibility for him at the moment.

If he is struggling with being in denial over his sexuality he is quite likely also to be experiencing depression to some degree. Someone has already suggested that he might benefit from some personal counselling in addition to any support you seek for your relationship as a couple. I would agree with those suggestions. His coldness and indifference towards you sound like they could be manifestations of depression. However, what you are experiencing is also a form of deprivation and abuse. You need to consider what you will accept while he is sorting himself out. Your priority is for the well-being of yourself and your child. If you are the sort of person who makes lists, list the pros and cons of leaving him. If one side comes out more heavily weighted you have an answer. Whether and what you do about it is another matter that only you can sort out.

I would suggest that going ahead with your plan to set him up for entrapment will have repercussions you may not see at the moment. Who's to say that were he to fall into your trap that you didn't tempt him beyond his current capacity to cope in a compromised emotional state? You could be responsible for masterminding his first sexual encounter with another man. If you have any hope of maintaining any kind of relationship with the father of your child I would suggest that you think very carefully before going down this route. How would he know he could trust you ever again? I understand though that desperation can sometimes drive us to commit some dishonourable acts.

From what you have said it is likely you could be right about him. However, he needs to be unravelling these confusions in his life in his own way and in his own time. Unfortunately you are inevitable collateral damage in the war that organised superstition wages on homosexuality.

Perhaps the kindest thing you could do for him in the longer term would be to leave him and let him sort it out. It won't be pretty and he's obviously not averse to applying emotional blackmail to get his own way. At the moment you are experiencing being starved of affection and support. A starving person can only ever think about what they lack.

As everyone seems to be saying only you can make these decisions. You do have a right to happiness and peace in your life and it may be within your power to claim this. Whether you see this as happening within your marriage, outside it, or after it is up to you.

Sadly you and he are on the road to a lot of heartache. I can only say that, in my case, leaving my wife has turned out to be the best thing I could have done, although it is not all roses even all these years later. I am very happy in my relationship with the most wonderful man. We have been together for more than ten years and through him I have discovered that I have the capacity both to love and to be loved. Those were things I could not see before.

Best wishes to you and to your husband. May you both find love, happiness and peace.

[princealbertofb]

Don't go there. Trickery is not an honourable way to go.

[trywait]

What if i create an email address and contact my husband through Facebook or email pretending to be a gay man? Do you think I would get some answers or should I not go there?

just be upfront with him

[nfisher1226]

I wouldn't say that sexless marriages are the norm, but I would very much say they are common.

I think most of you have neglected to address anything other than sex here. She has described a distinct lack of affection in general. It's not just sex that's at issue. She feels ignored generally, and that's a damaging feeling.

Luna, I think the angle you are playing here, wanting to confront him about whether he is gay or not, is probably not going to get results. Although I could be wrong. At this point based on what you have described I think I think there should be a confrontation, but maybe back off on the gay question. Ask him why it is that he is ignoring your needs. Tell him what it is that is missing in your life to the best of your ability. Do whatever it takes to get the point across that this is what you need and you have not been getting it, and that it is a big problem.

What you are really describing is much more than a sexless marriage, it is a loveless marriage. Maybe you love him, but whatever his feelings really are towards you he is not expressing love towards you in a way that you feel loved. Maybe he's bad at expressing his feelings, or maybe he doesn't love you romantically. That's a harsh thing to say, but it's a possibility you both need to confront. Whether or not he's gay is not relevant to that question. You need to know if there's any hope in continuing in this marriage or if you're just going to continue to be unhappy forever. You need to make him understand that that is what you are asking and that things really have reached the stage where it's a crisis. If he actually loves you and you can make him understand the depth of your unhappiness, he may respond. If not, then there's an answer in that, too.

Naturally we're biased here, on the whole, towards thinking that it's OK if he's gay. That has some side effects in how most of us respond to your questions. I've tried my best to answer you in a way that might be helpful to your needs, without injecting my own bias.

[princealbertofb]

Good post, nfisher, and I must admit that I too saw that it was the lovelessness that was the point to be discussed, maybe more so than the husband's presumed gayness.
In fact, I think we can say that even among males who are not gay at all, there can be some who are more at ease with their own gender, which doesn't make them romantically attracted to a same sex person.
I've been wondering whether her husband, brought up in a muslim household and faith, has not construed his role as one that he should keep apart from the feminine world. Is the "segregation", for want of a better word, that some islamic cultures seem to encourage and practise, the explanation to his discomfort with his wife? He's obviously understood that he needs to sleep with Luna in order to make a baby, but is he really that comfortable with women, as a general rule? And with her needs in particular?
Only you can shed light upon this mystery, Luna. I'd like to say that nfisher has put his finger on it. I don't think confronting him with ideas that he may be homosexual will be helpful to your plight or cause, no matter how understanding you show yourself to be. I'm glad that you see nothing wrong with those of us who are homosexuals. We aren't a threat to women who love men, nor to men who love women.

[princealbertofb]

just be upfront with him

The point is, Trywait, that she has been upfront, and he's giving no signs of understanding or of caring... What to do in the face of such indifference?

[loserguy]

I have re-read the posts and one thing is clear - the original poster is very unhappy.

Why? Because she feels unloved.

As she wrote in asking for help I think it is only fair that we should concentrate on her and her happiness only.

As I see it there are 2 choices:
1. Talk to your husband to find out if the relationship can be fixed and probably attend counseling.
2. Walk away from the source of your unhappiness which is game over I'm afraid.

I think everyone deserves a chance however it is clear that he is unwilling or unable to fulfill his marital duties.
Sexless relationships are NOT normal and when that part breaks down so does the emotional closeness and the lines of communication. I believe he is gay but that is irrelevant here. What is relevant is your happiness and you need to take whatever steps are necessary to try to achieve happiness again. Spying on him will not solve anything. What you need to know is whether he is prepared to work at your marriage. If he avoids the question or refuses I would make plans for you and your son and leave him. Even if he does try you may end up doing that anyway. It cannot be good for your son to be living in this atmosphere either and children will always sense when things are wrong so that this set up is impacting on him also!
This is about your welfare and that of your son.

To move forward on this you need to make a decision. Once you have done that your life should improve but it may be a difficult road ahead. Unfortunately as we all know - life and relationships are not all lollipops and puppy farts.

Good Luck and I hope you choose the right decision for you.

[nfisher1226]

Princealbertofb makes a good point about culture here, although it can apply in a lot of cases outside of Muslim culture. It's possible he is not comfortable around women at all, for reasons of his upbringing. What is equally possible is that he is just plain not comfortable displaying emotion and/or affection, or just doesn't know how.

The other thing to consider is there could be a combination of a lot of the things that have been mentioned going on, plus a few none of us have thought of. I still tend to think it doesn't matter in the face of her obvious unhappiness, and there needs to be some honest communication between spouses here or any hope will quickly evaporate for the marriage. To me, that's the crux of the matter.