Just my opinion.. but three weeks is way too long to be acting like that. Granted, what you said was wrong and hurtful, but someone has to be the adult and talk about the situation. I'm not really giving you advice here, mainly just sharing my thoughts -- but I'd personally confront him and tell him things NEED to be talked about. I'd flat out ask him if he he wants you to leave. The way I see it, he's acting just as childish as you were when you verbally insulted/attacked him (probably in a moment of anger). He needs to either get over it or move on.
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Anonymous Wrote:Well, probably it won't make sense, because then I would have to tell all about his life, but basically he doesn't have very good life experience, his parents were two mean drunks who abused him through his childhood, he has spent few years in prison for a small theft. When he told it to me, he asked me to never remind him about his past. I promised I wouldn't and I did, I told him that he's a criminal and that he should've stayed in prison and that the alcohol from his parents has obviously dissolved his brains as well.
I've never regretted anything more than I regret this.
What a horrible thing to say. When someone has horrible parent(s), the last thing they want is to feel that their parents define who they are.
That said, your boyfriend isn't really being mature in this either.
If you really want to continue trying in this, apologize, and wait. Just don't go begging for forgiveness --- it can be annoying. Make it clear that you're wrong, and you apologize, and that you understand why it was wrong --- sometimes it's important for a person to realize you're apologizing because you've discovered the harm your actions have had on a person, rather than just because they are 'wrong'.
Discover if there's a chance for recovery in your relationship, if possible. If there's not, you may have to look into your own living arrangements...
It may also help him to forgive you by trying to make him happy. It's been awhile, yes? Perhaps cook a large meal for each other, order him a gift, etc., remind him you care. Please don't take this to an extreme --- if it's obvious that he is mute to absolutely all attempts at restoring your relationship, give up, don't waste your breath, time, or money.
Also, I know that I started this post off with something harsh and I'm not sorry, but at the same time, there does come a point where your boyfriend should let you know if he's willing to forgive you and if the relationship is over. Being in the 'limbo' period for weeks upon weeks is not fair, and as much as he may have a reason for it, the 'silent treatment' is not ever an effective way of solving anything. Should it continue for more weeks, you may find yourself realizing you need to break up with him to preserve your sanity.
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Anonymous Wrote:Well, probably it won't make sense, because then I would have to tell all about his life, but basically he doesn't have very good life experience, his parents were two mean drunks who abused him through his childhood, he has spent few years in prison for a small theft. When he told it to me, he asked me to never remind him about his past. I promised I wouldn't and I did, I told him that he's a criminal and that he should've stayed in prison and that the alcohol from his parents has obviously dissolved his brains as well.
I've never regretted anything more than I regret this.
Yeah I can see his point. I can see how that would piss a fella off.
However, there is the flip side to this. He is taking it a bit too much to the extreme. I get being sensitive over a past and over sick parents - still, there clearly is a lot he needs to work through in order to let this slide off him like water of a ducks back.
Offer him the bed, you take the floor. Steer clear of him - give him as much space as possible. And stop the crying - that is only going to make it worse. If you must cry, then go take a shower and do it in there. If your eyes turn red blame it on shampoo or soap.
If he comes in, he won't be able to see the tears from the water. And the sound of the shower will cover the slight sobs you make.
Stop apologizing. You made amends the best you can, he flat refuses to accept it - that is on HIM.
And actions always speak louder than words. Do other things for him, IDK - cook his favorite meal, do his laundry - something that is all about him. and don't get all pouty face when he lashes out in anger that now you are trying to appease him. Accept the anger. Let it slide off you like water off a ducks back.
Give it time.
As an aside, he is taking this way to over the top... he needs a therapist to start working on this sort of crap to get him past the point where these reminders cause him this much emotional trauma.
Later - 1-2 years down the road, suggest therapy. Or, sooner, if things ain't working out well between you suggest couples counseling.
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Anonymous Wrote:Well, probably it won't make sense, because then I would have to tell all about his life, but basically he doesn't have very good life experience, his parents were two mean drunks who abused him through his childhood, he has spent few years in prison for a small theft. When he told it to me, he asked me to never remind him about his past. I promised I wouldn't and I did, I told him that he's a criminal and that he should've stayed in prison and that the alcohol from his parents has obviously dissolved his brains as well.
I've never regretted anything more than I regret this.
DAMN!!!!
As we say here in "The South".......you got one hellava mouth on you boy!!
Yeah, that was pretty damned bad.
I could offer some suggestions, but I would have to know his personality to be able to do that.
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Well I can understand why he's so mad at you, however after 5 years living together I wonder if there is more to his reaction than your telling us.
For example how was your relationship before you had the argument? What caused the argument?
It could be of course that he's just not talking to make sure you get the message that he's really mad at you. But as others have said, perhaps it's time for you to stand up for yourself, tell him you've apologised and say you want to move on.
If he's still ignoring you, then as others have said, it's time to confront this head on and lay out some options.
i.e. move on or your moving out.
Failure of a relationship is never a nice thing, especially if your the one walking away from his house. But sometimes these things need to be done for your own sanity.
Walk away, draw a line and start over.
Good luck.
OBW
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Posts: 1,725
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Yes, I know that what I said was terrible and I realized it already the next second after I said it, but it was already too late to change it. All I wish is that he would start to speak to me. Just something, anything. Anything would be better than this silence and pretending that I'm not there. He didn't even answer when I asked if he wanted me to leave his place. A friend of mine told me to surprise him with sex, although I know it wouldn't work, as he doesn't want me to even touch him.
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Posts: 1,725
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I can't walk away from him. Unless he'll tell me to leave, I won't go anywhere. I've never loved anyone more than I love him and I need him next to me. Yes, it might be miserable, but I'm ready to wait as long as necessary.
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Anonymous Wrote:Well, probably it won't make sense, because then I would have to tell all about his life, but basically he doesn't have very good life experience, his parents were two mean drunks who abused him through his childhood, he has spent few years in prison for a small theft. When he told it to me, he asked me to never remind him about his past. I promised I wouldn't and I did, I told him that he's a criminal and that he should've stayed in prison and that the alcohol from his parents has obviously dissolved his brains as well.
I've never regretted anything more than I regret this.
OUCH...
My plan would be to go inside yourself and ask why you said this in the first place. Don't use anger as an excuse...look a little deeper and figure out what would possess you to say this to him.
I think you are going to have to do more than apologize and I would suggest taking a look at yourself and then being humble enough to let him know what it is that would make you say something so cruel.
You might have said the cruelest thing possible to him ...and I think you know it. Maybe that is why you did it? Figure out why you were so cruel to begin with...it might help. He might need to understand it before he can forgive you.
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What East said, but I would be offering to move out.
The problem is yours, not his and you have to move on and learn from this lesson.
I don't think there is any way back.
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Posts: 1,725
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I don't know why I said this. When you're angry and you're arguing with someone, you want this person to feel as bad as possible, I guess. I guess I didn't think that it would hurt him so deep.
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