Unlucky coming out story and what do I do now?

[Anonymous]

So I just wanted to ask your opinions and thoughts about what has happened in my life right now. I’m 21 years old guy and recently I decided to come out to my family – my parents and my sister. I also have a little brother, he’s just 6 years old. As to why I came out – I guess I just was tired of sitting in the closet, tired of hiding all the time. I’ve boyfriend, my parents knew him, but only as a friend of mine. When I was staying at his place, I had to lie to my family all the time about where I was spending the night and why. I thought it’ll be worth it, that I’ll feel better if I won’t have to pretend to be heterosexual anymore. But actually it turned out to be the worst thing I could possibly do.

I thought that my parents might not be gay friendly, because I’ve heard them putting down gay people when there was something about them on the TV, but I had also heard and read many positive stories, when someone had homophobic parents and they were afraid to come out, but when they did, their parents totally accepted them, no matter what they said about gays before. I was hoping that maybe it might be my case as well, but unfortunately it wasn't.

That evening we were all having dinner together, my boyfriend as well. I had invited him, I needed him to be with me when I do it. My father then kind of started to talk about friendship and that it would be hard to find two friends with stronger friendship that we have and that was when I said that we’re not just friends, we love each other and I’m gay. Everyone became silent and then my father was like „you just joked, right?”and my mum was like „are you mad or something?” Our dinner turned into a scandal, my parents were yelling at me, my boyfriend and me, we were trying to explain, but none listened. My father said that I’m disgracing the whole family and that thanks to God, my grandparents don’t have to see this ( they’re dead) .
My mum said that I will not see my little brother again, so that I don’t turn him into one of us and don’t put stupid things into his head. In the end my father told us to go away and forget the way to this house and that he’d rather have no son than fag son. „Go and spread your disease somewhere else” – these were his words. I don’t know what does my sister think about it, that evening she sat there quiet and she didn't say a single word so I don’t know what is her opinion about having a gay brother.

I don’t know what to do now. Now I’m living together with my boyfriend and his parents, they’re wonderful people. But I can’t stay there forever. They’re very welcoming and they call me their son-in-law, but I already feel like a pest. My father also said he won’t pay for my studies anymore so that basically means I’ve to leave the university and I’m nowhere near the end of my studies. I want to find a job, but I can’t. I guess I’m too young or too inexperienced but all the employers I’ve seen just say I’ll call me which I guess is a polite way of saying „get lost”. My boyfriend says that everything will work out, but how? He wants me to stay with him, but I feel so uncomfortable living with such a nice people, eating their food and doing nothing. I don’t know what to do. I don't have where to live, I don't have a job, I don't even have a family anymore. I so regret I came out.

[Pix]

Sorry to hear that. They're not all happy stories which is why I don't like it when people say everyone should come out (especially when still dependent) simply because it worked out wonderfully for them.

Generally speaking, it sounds like you're with nice people and as long as you don't take them for granted and try to make yourself useful at times that they will let you stay longer than you think. As for school you should talk to your counselor as s/he might be able to help you find some college grants or loans or other ways to keep going to Uni, especially if you've been doing well. (Note, if you're in the US then get the grants if you can, loans can be harsh to pay off, and I do know someone who got grants for much of her schooling because her grades were so good.)

[Woollyhats]

Sounds like you still have a family to me. You are at your boyfriend's parents house, and it sounds like they like you (or are at least putting up with you for your boyfriend), and that he loves you very much.

Do you have any employment centres in your city? They can hook you up to a job. You're safe and have a home right now, focus on the work part right now, then offer to pay rent, and find out where you're going to go from there. Note that since you don't have a home, you can be put onto an emergency list for subsidized housing in most places (they typically will take 33% on your income as rent), making it affordable for you to have a place of your own. I would make these applications immediatly.

Depending on location, your parents may also obliged to pay child support. It's worth looking into, many districts are holding parents responsible for post secondary education; and I personally know people who have located and found parents that abandoned them as children and sued for educational fees. It may not happen in your case. Either way, I suggest legal aide as a means to get anything you don't have back, if identity theft occurs, etc.

Also, if possible, seek counselling/therapy, if you want a relationship with your parents try inviting them to a session, if not or it doesn't go well, wash your hands of them. Forget about them. You don't need them. And if they come back to you, don't take them back right away. If you do attempt to talk to them in a setting consisting of repairing your relationship, be armed with facts and professional opinions about homosexuality, because they sound incredibly uneducated and purposefully ignorant.

But honestly with a response like that, it's clear they have nothing in the way of unconditional love towards a child --- and that's a failure on their part. Realize now that they never loved you but rather loved an idea of you that didn't exist --- a fantasy. It is possible that there will always be a disconnect between your parents and reality, and that repairing your relationship may never happen.

You might be healthier to forget about them and focus on your own life entirely.

[loserguy]

First of all, I empathize with you over your situation. You must be heartbroken!

This seems to me like another case of parents living their lives through the dreams and ambitions of their children and well and truly brainwashed by religion. This of course if no consolation whatsoever to you. I know when I had trouble at home I felt very insecure and upset and my head was all over the place. I cannot even imagine how you must feel and totally understand your point of view as regards staying with your boyfriend's parents.

But let's look at the positives and a way forward if you can?
You have a boyfriend who loves you and he has parents who love him. It is important to be surrounded by love at a time like this. Talk to your boyfriend and his parents and openly express your fears and misgivings. They may be able to give you some very much needed peace of mind. At this stage, the most important thing is to have peace of mind, to feel secure and to think straight.
If university is a problem, try to seek a deferral for a year as it will buy you some time in raising the fees. But the one thing you must not do at this stage is to try to make rash or emotional decisions and under no circumstances should you contact you immediate family. They have full responsibility in all of this and it is up to them, to try to right this awful wrong if and when they are willing? Should they contact you, you should listen and seek clarification should their intentions be unclear.

For now, be thankful that you are living with a loving family and have a loving boyfriend. Make an effort to contribute as best you can and remember that out of love comes beautiful new beginnings :-).

Good luck and I hope with all my heart that everything works out well for you in the future.

[CellarDweller]

I'm sorry to hear you had this experience. This is one of the reasons why I tell young gay people to not come out until they can fend for themselves, especially financially.

Perhaps you and your boyfriend can look up gay support groups/organizations in your area. Someone there may be able to help with employment opportunities, as well as counseling you may need. If you are honest with them and tell them your story, they may be more inclined to help.

[James]

Also check out pflag, some of the chapters have scholarships and family counseling. Parents are a strange breed as we learn as we go along, sometimes not the best way, plus have the baggage of our parents before us. Case in point Mary Griffith, who the movie "Prayers for Bobby" was based.

[nfisher1226]

First off I am very saddened over what you are going through. They had no right to treat you like they did, and they have no right to cut you out of your siblings' lives. I consider their doing that in front of your sister not just exceedingly insensitive but it borders on child abuse and brainwashing. She has a right to make up her own mind, as does your little brother. I can't imagine not only what it felt like for you, but also what it must have felt like for your boyfriend and your sister.

Please don't give up on your studies without a fight. It will ruin your life. It's much better to do some hard things now than to impose permanent limits on yourself. I can attest to that via personal experience. Painfully.

And be extremely grateful for the support of your boyfriend and his family. They sound like very wonderful people. Being considered a son in law of that type of family, well that's not such a bad thing.

[EvenOlderButWiser]

I'm really sorry that you have had to go through this, especially their homophobic rant towards you and in front of the whole family. Im guessing that you had a had an idea that it may not go so well, especially if they have previously made homophobic remarks in front of you while watching TV etc.

I won't say whether you should or shouldn't have come out to them, as everyone is different and want/need to do it for different reasons. What I will say is kudos to you for taking a huge step forward in your personal life and you as a person. It sounds to me that there would have never been a right time to come out to them. And for you to do it now was a hugely brave thing to do, and the right thing for you.

You haven't said when you came out - today, last week etc, so I was wondering if you have managed to reach out to your sister in anyway? Making and maintaining contact with her is going to be an important consideration if you want to heal this rift with your parents, assuming that you want to of course.

Good luck,

ObW
X

[southbiochem]

Whether you should have or shouldn't have done it, is now irrelevant.

Clearly, for you it didn't pay off, for now. It could have gone the other way, as you said in the other stories you heard of.

First allow me to give you this: My greatest respect and admiration that you had the courage to do this, knowing there would be a chance of something like this to happen

You have taken a gigantic step towards achieving happiness for you and I promise it will pay off in the future, sooner or later.

but for now you'll have to struggle a little bit.

Don't take for granted the family that has given you home now..

make yourself available to help them in anyway you can, so you won't feel so guilty..they seem to like you, they'll like you even further..

so, college....study with a counselor about getting alternative funding, student loans...Im sure if you tell anyone about your seemingly homeless status, something can be done.

There are also a number of jobs that will take young people. Fast food, waiting...sure it wonpt be the best jobs out there but they will mean a relief economically. If you can manage this, it will also be well recieved with the family.


Don't forget what you have already: you do have a family that I'm sure cares for you and a partner that loves you.

you are not along, so remain strong.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

With the parents the Kübler-Ross model applies.Deniala series of emotional stages:

1. Denial
   
2. Anger
   
3. Bargaining
   
4. Depression
   
5. Acceptance.
   

Understand that you just sprung a big surprise on them, they need to work through denial, bargaining, anger depression before they can reach acceptance. While that list is most often applied to the 5 Stages of Grief, if you think about it any life changing event runs through this sort of processes.

Also understand that from the day of your birth they had big plans for you, a wife, and children (Their grandchildren) were part of the package deal they signed on for. You up and shattered 21 years of their plans for your life.

I'm not going to say do nothing, but I will suggest you don't press the parents at this time, and go about checking out loans, grants and the like. Debt may be in your future.

Guidance Counselor at University may have ideas, depending on how many credits/units you already have, what your major it, how well you do in school there may be many options that the GC can offer you.

At this time you can't go backwards, you can't really go back into the closet. I mean you can try to appease the parental units, drop your friendship with your lover, get a girlfriend and lie through your teeth 'oh it was just a phase'. But I seriously doubt that will work out in the long run, not for your sanity.