Toxic Parents

[partis]

I can relate, my stepfather was a toxic parent, just leave, be difficult cause be change and upheaval and everything is strange but you,ll be so much happy i think. You can get comftable somewhere else, get complacent… but somewhere more healthy for you.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

As you may know I came from a very abusive home situation. My mother was an unwell woman (emotionally/mentally speaking).

It wasn't until I was nearly 30 that I disengaged myself from her. Even though she had been very abusive and did things to me that really fucked me up for life, I remained healthy enough to desire a real parental/offspring bond with both of my parents and struggled against their brands of insanity always going back to them to try to win their love, their pride, their acceptance, etc. etc. etc.

That is what kids strive for. Kids with healthy parents get kudos, love, make their parents proud and the emotional awards of that system work well.

This is where half your struggle may lie, you are attempting to have a healthy relationship with your mother, do be her 'good boy', to do what she needs done in order to give you back maternal love - but she is unable (most likely not unwilling, just incapable) of doing that for you.

Understanding 'mom is sick' intellectually and understanding that in your heart is two vastly different things. The brain knows much, the heart refuses to listen to the brain.

I assure you, once you really understand this in the heart, the whole separating and putting distance between you and here will not only get simplified, but you will do a massive amount of healing yourself in the process, which will enable you to distance yourself and do things which you most likely have been unable to do for yourself.

I'm not saying you haven't made a major step here, you have. However this is a step in a process which may take a few years. So don't be discouraged if you find yourself longing to 'win' her over while your brain tells you 'she is beyond winning'.

A few of us here on Gayspeak have had untenable situations where living under a bridge was better than going home. If life with mom is simply so bad you can't live that way, then really consider living under a bridge, or in the sewer, or homeless shelter. BTW there are a lot of decent shelters out there, and the horror stories you hear don't happen in every shelter or in every town. There are many organizations that actually work with people to attain their GED, employment, etc.

Catholic Charities is one such organization, there is also the Episcopalian version of this. They may appear to be 'just homeless shelters' but they do have programs for disadvantaged individuals (not just those on the streets, but working poor) to assist in getting a person situated in a better position in life.

One of the things you may want to consider is working temporarily at Goodwill Industries - they usually hire on 'temporarily' and pay decent enough, they are a stepping stone, in that you have a job (a real job) that you can put on your application for other work which ups your chances of being hired over the guy who doesn't have a job.

So there are a lot of options out there.

Since you have emotional problems, it may very well be that you are a candidate for Federal Disability. This 'social anxiety' thing may be agoraphobia, in which case your emotionally hampered in dealing with day to day stuff.

I suggest you look around your area for support organizations, call them, visit them if possible to get as much help as you can.

[marshlander]

So much sadness. So much strength.

Love and light to you all.