Just Friends he Says????

[New2WiltonManor]

I recently was going out with a guy( about 4 weeks). We had met online and he had flirted with me for over 7 months. I was not in a place that I felt comfortable meeting prior to when we did. I finally was in a place to meet and we connected immediately. I felt like he and I were going to get to know each other and that things were going well. We texted first thing in the morning and before we went to bed each day. We talked on the phone nightly for 30 minutes or so and saw each other once a week. It was good for me. I was not ready yet for anything real serious and felt it was a good start and getting to know him. I am 47 and wanted to kind of take things slowly. I knew his last relationship the guy was some what of a stalker and he was a bit apprehensive so I was kind of letting him take the lead in the way things went with us. Well this past Wednesday he decided that he was not yet ready to date as I came to find out that the Stalker relationship had just ended in Late November Early December and he did not really feel ready to date. He wants to be friends but feels like when he is ready to date I would be someone he would consider dating. I guess I am wondering what people think. I am interested in him. And since I am not ready mentally to date at this time its all good. But by the same token there is no guarantee that we will ever date. How long do I give for him to get his head into the game so to speak? So I am trying to figure things out. I have felt this past week like I was on a bit of an emotional roller coaster of my own doing and I want to determine what I should do mentally to be able to figure this out. Love to hear others opinions.

Bill

[marshlander]

That could be the story of so many lives. Mismatched or mistimed ... is still sucks.

The only way to be fair to yourself is to get on with your life. If the paths of you and your friend cross from time to time all is probably well and good, but you can't be expected to hang around until he has something more to offer.

If you are content to be "just friends" too then it's maybe not such a problem. Often though, the balance of such relationships swings about a bit too much to be comfortable.

[southbiochem]

Bill:

I believe considering what you wrote, that neither of you is ready to date yet. You are both in the right mindset thinking that to take it slow is the best thing for now, so, why rush it?

Sure, there is no guarantee that you will actually date, but the possibility is there.

Keep in contact with him, work on the friendship and most importantly you should both work on yourselves.

You can tell him you like him and that he is an interest for you, but you respect his situation. As he has already btold you pretty much the same, I don't see any problem for you two to end up dating after some time has passed.

How much time?

That I don't dare say a specific number of days/months.

It's obvious, though, that as much as you need to not be in an emotional rollercoaster and as much time he needs to put his last relationship behind.

The exact amount of time for this to happen will depends entirely on you, meaning, how much time the both of you need to overcome what is holding you back now

[EvenOlderButWiser]

Lots of long term relationships grow out of friendships to start with, so all is definitely not lost.
The question however is whether you are going to go on dating and looking at other guys, or are you going to wait around for him to get more in the relationship zone.

The issue is of course that you could be waiting a long time. The "just want to be friends" part often arises after you have had a few face to face meetings, and one party or the other decide its not quite what they're looking for. I would take some consolation that he has indicated a willingness to remain friends. Lots of guys would just walk away and cut off all contact.

A good friend where you can just meet, have a coffee and talk sh!t is better than no friend at all.

Either way I hope you find what your looking for

ObW
X

[driftwood]

he decided that he was not yet ready to date
when he is ready to date I would be someone he would consider dating.
I am not ready mentally to date at this time its all good.
But ... there is no guarantee that we will ever date.
How long do I give for him to get his head into the game so to speak?

The only problem I see here is in how you're looking at it. Instead of waiting for him, or waiting for you, why not try to build a friendship in the meantime. That's probably what both of you needs right now anyway. I'm not saying it would necessarily be easy, but that's why I use the term build.

You want to have a friendship in which neither puts demands on the other, and you don't see each other too often, AND eventual romance is not the only reason you're friends.

That way both of you are free to become involved with someone else if one is ready earlier than the other. On the other hand, if you do eventually become intimate, what better foundation could you start out with than a close friendship.