Looking for advice

[Jpalm0987]

I am pretty sure I am a gay man. I know that sounds very unsure, but let me explain. I have had feelings since I was young, but I have always tried my hardest to put them out of my mind. I have been in a couple relationships with men before, but as soon as they get serious I run away as fast as possible.

I am going through a divorce now, and my ex wife is convinced she knows I'm gay. I can't say I disagree.

I have spent my whole life trying to ignore my feelings, but it's getting harder to do every day. I even came out to my wife and a couple friends after our separation, but I immediately took it back and moved right back into a relationship with another women.

I know I sound like I am back and forth a lot, and it would be the truth. I just don't know how to come to terms with myself. I was brought up to believe being gay is the ultimate sin, and I resort back to believing that every time I make forward progress. I have sabotaged myself more times than I can remember.

I've gone on far to long now, but thanks for reading. I guess I am looking for advice, but maybe also anyone who's been through this.

[southbiochem]

Well I have been trying to hide I'm gay since I knew I was..

but I have never been quite in your position

if indedd you are mostly certain you are gay, first get rid of your conception of homosexuality...it's not a sin...simple as that..

try to disingrain that from your head

accept the fact that there is absolutely nothing wrong with liking other men

if you are not attracted to women (only you know this) do not engage into more relationships with them

you will only damage yourself and them further and that's not fair for these women nor for you.

Seek counseling if you need to, to help you clear out your sexuality and to help you deal with the probleMs you've had and the divorce. The first thing you need to do is get to the point of realising that being gay is not wrong. Then you can accept yourself and when you do that you will come to love yourself, stop sabotaging yourself and be happy..

best of lucks

[Jpalm0987]

Thank you, that does make a lot of sense. I know it's what I need to do, guess it just helps hearing it from someone else. I really appreciate it, and I will probably pursue the counseling.

[southbiochem]

go for it

couseling can help you cope with all that's happening in your life..

you deserve to work on yourself and be happy

[Undreamt]

I think the problem is that you just don't know how to be gay.

You see all the tv stereotypes, the drag, the queens, the camp and you think to yourself no that cant' be me.
You know how the relationship dynamic works between a man and a woman you know what role you have to play, and what role your partner plays.

Just because you are gay doesn't mean you have to follow the stereeotypes of what you have seen, in fact the more you just act the way you feel comfortable actiing the more you will notice the more 'normal' gay guys around.

[Jpalm0987]

That actually makes a lot of sense. I've never really allowed myself to experience anything real, so all I know is what I've seen.

The more I explore my own sexuality, the more I realize it's not how I've always assumed it is. I've honestly always been under the assumption that even in a gay relationship, one man has to be the women and the other the macho man. I don't fit into the stereotypes, and I'm realizing more and more that that's not how it is in all relationships.

I've just never really thought about it like that, but it makes a lot of sense too, thank you.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

26 and divorced, and in another relationship already....

Hmm - ask yourself how many relationships have you been in... then ask yourself how much time do you spend single between relationships.

If the answer to the first part is several to many, and the answer to the second part is less than 6 months... Then I think one of your problems here is you are always trying to be a part of an "us" and not figuring out who 'I' is...

'I' of course not being me, but you....

Religion Vs Bible:

Homosexuality: http://www.wouldjesusdiscriminate.org/bi...dence.html hmmm......

http://www.gaychristians.org/ may be of far more help than what a single post here by me can give you on the religious section.

I strongly suggest you re-read the story of David and Johnathan without the blinders of 2000 years of Church Doctrine. David exceeding - that is old english way of saying 'David got a hard on' Understand David Exceeded when Johnathan hugged him. and those confessions of love more than for a woman... Hello? http://www.examiner.com/article/sorry-ri...id-was-gay

Then there is Ruth and Naomi... Can we say Lesbian? Ruth loves Naomi as Adam Loved Eve.... Hello.... http://www.wouldjesusdiscriminate.org/bi...naomi.html

OF course your modern Preacher and Church is going to come up with a different interpretation, but they also believe that the Song of Solomon is all innocent when its down right filthy pornography.... But Shhh....

And this running into the arms of another woman before you are fully divorced is Adultery, and God hate that And He Hates Divorce: both of which you are doing, and apparently these are less of 'sins' in your philosophy of life than homosexuality... So I don't know if that whole I was raised to believe.... theory actually holds water. Oh that's right, the modern church accepts divorce and Adultery of second marriages against the very word of God - but still hates the gay....

Trust me, my years in seminary the the decades after really studying what the bible actually says points to a modern religion which is loosely based on the bible. Whilst you are worried that homosexuality is the Ultimate sin (it isn't), I bet you are breaking commandments left and right because your Brand of Faith has been selling you a few white lies and falsehoods (Hope you enjoy that bacon, You are not absolved from The Law - one of those little white lies).

So now that I have gave you reasonable cause to throw out the whole 'I was raised a Christian so can't be gay'.... excuse, which is your next excuse?

I can't come out to mom/Dad because they are uber-conservative and will hate me.

Well if they end up hating you for being you, then its on THEM - would you rather they love you based on a lie, or hate you based on a truth?

I will lose so many friends if I come out of the closet.

They ain't your friends, friends accept you for YOU, not who they want or think you should be.


I strongly suggest you break all relationships you are in and spend AT LEAST one full year as a single person, and individual and read up on what Gay is, and read the other interpretations of the bible that are more affirming and tolerant of homosexuality.

This running from one set of arms to another is called rebound. Stop it.

If you suspect you re gay then definitely don't get involved with a woman. No woman on earth can fix the gay. And it is plain wrong to have someone love you under false pretenses - regardless of what those pretenses are, it is wrong.

If a woman is seeking a male companion, then by all means allow her the chance to find one that is 100% straight and able and willing to fulfill her needs and wants.

Clearly you already messed up one woman (the Wife)... why you didn't learn from that mistake is beyond me, but I seriously hope you will see that you are going to end up hurting this next gal. Stop it.

[Jpalm0987]

Message deleted. Don't know why it showed up twice.

[Jpalm0987]

Well Bowyn Aerrow, that was definitely blunt and very well put.

I know I've made more than my share of mistakes, and I'm getting to a point in my life that I need positive change. I already plan on spending plenty of time single and soul searching.

Your right about why I wouldn't want to tell my parents. I am already looked at as the black sheep in the family, that would pretty much be the final nail in the coffin. Again though I realize that I would rather be seen for me, not a plastic mold of who they want.

And just in my defense, I didn't mess up my wife, she already was messed up. Before anything ever came up or out about anything, she got pregnant with my best friends baby, then told me that she was in love with him when we got married, that she never loved me. So it was doomed no matter.

I know the more I write, the more I realize how screwed up my situation is and the more of an asshole I sound like. But I am ready to just be alone and try for some positive change in the right direction. I sincerely appreciate the honesty of your post.

[driftwood]

You say you're pretty sure you're a gay man, but everyone seems to be overlooking the obvious. You need to go to http://vistriai.com/kinseyscaletest/ and find out whether you're gay or bi. Your repeated relationships with women, would point in the bi direction.

For the most part I hold Bowyn Aerrow in high regard for the thoroughness of his research and of his posts, but I don't always agree with him,. I think the questions you need to ask yourself are 'How many women have you been with?' and 'How many men?' I'm not just talking relationships here, but sex partners. You say your ex is convinced you're gay, but you don't say why. Did you neglect her. Were you repulsed by her. Or were you seeing men while you were with her.

Many gay men state that they couldn't have sex with a woman, and some can't even get hard. Personally, from reading your original post, I believe you're bi, but then being bi myself, I think everyone's bi, and my opinion doesn't count anyway. Take the test. Find out. That's your first step.