Well you need to find your niche in the Gay Scene.
In your profile which you filled out this month (February) you admit you just came out and you are now opening yourself to the scene.
Since you stated that no twinks are interested in YOU - I guess that means you have an interest in twinks???
Your profile says 'stocky' you really meant to say fat - didn't you? You look in the mirror and feel shame because you are fat. Am I right or not?
Truth. I think you need to look up the term
Chub Chaser. You are 21 and according to your profile you do not have body hair... Is this due to the incredibly horrifying disfiguring fad of body shaving or is this just a natural occurring problem for you?
If you shave your body you may stop now. If you are able to grow anything along the lines of a pelt (torso hair) then I strongly suggest you look up the term
Bear.
20 years ago I was the classic physical appearance of a twink. I was in my 20's back then, I have this incredibly hard time of getting mass to stick to my body, and back then I shaved my face in a daily scrapping ritual because I actually thought I had to. Back then I was very, very attracted to 'large' guys. I'm on the line between Chub Chaser and Bear Hunter... I gag a little on the vomit that rises to the back of my throat when I see ab-muscles.
There are a lot of twinks and twinkish like dudes out there who want a lot of man to hug and hold on to.
Therefore I submit that your theory:
who all think I am ugly is flawed to a great degree.
You are 21. You haven't been around the block even once. You are new to being out, thus haven't met every scene out there. I bet you look hot in leather, and most likely if you started sporting a leather biker's jacket will find a bit more interest in you.
Your role in bed is 'undecided'. I suspect since you are attracted to twinks you are the more dominant fellow - which means 'top' which if you are a Top your value on the gay scene rises dramatically as there are so few tops out there compared to the many bottoms. Big guys looking to be with the little guy typically means a heavy leaning toward a more dominant personality.
Reading your profile it appears you are going to the WRONG places to find gay support. Clearly you are going to places where a lot of drunken Queens are getting together to be plastic clones of one another.
You are new to the scene, I assure you there is a niche you will fit into.
Finding that scene depends on where you live. The Annex seems closer to what would suit your 'type' - meaning the type of guy YOU are:
http://sanantonio.gaycities.com/bars/tid/17/
If you have a biker's leather jacket and like wearing it, then do by all means wear it when going to that bar.
Yes there will be a lot of big burly guys there, but if you go you will most likely note a lot of skinny 'kids' who are also there seeking their own big burly husbands to keep them warm in bed (trust me when you are skin and bones staying warm is an issue).
There is one thing you can be certain of, a big guy isn't shot down at a leather/bear club.
As for how to do suicide, it is a balance between grinding up enough pills of the right type to make a 'pudding' that can quickly go down the gullet and knowing how to drink sufficient alcohol to help you sleep, then knowing how to secure a 33 gallon plastic trash bag to the neck to not allow fresh air in.
Understand the pills most likely will not kill you, they are there to force you to sleep so deeply and profoundly that by the time the oxygen runs out in the bag you are too heavily sedated to struggle as you die from like of oxygen....
The way I am saving for my next attempt is to get thrice times the recommended dose of heroin and inject all of it. Understand I have a few years training in self administering drugs to a vein so there is a bit of experience you will need to do that right - nothing worse than missing a vein and injecting sub dermal. In fact I have had this plan for over 20 years, which is why I never tried heroin, as I wanted to make certain that when that eventual day comes when I decide to opt out, I have absolutely no tolerance for heroin that it is effective and my OD is a successful shuffling off this mortal coil.
Been down the suicide route, I successfully died - twice, but the ER doctors got involved and apparently they practice a form of necromancy and can bring dead bodies back to life. And they did that twice in one night. The bastards.