Brother is ashamed of me being gay

[Anonymous]

So I'm a gay guy, 27 years old, I've a boyfriend that I love very much and basically I could say I'm happy. I'm out to my friends and family - my mother, father and younger brother, he's 17. I don't think he has ever been very supportive about his big brother being gay. My mum and dad were very accepting when I told them I'm gay, but when I told it to my brother, he just shrugged and was like "do what you want with your own life".

My brother is a brilliant dancer, he's dancing in a folk dance group. Some time ago they had a big show, our parents unfortunately couldn't come, so my boyfriend accompanied me. Since I'm openly gay, I usually do not hide my feelings to my boyfriend. It feels completely normal to me to hold his hand or shoulders or to kiss him in public. I just think that if straight people can kiss their girlfriends/boyfriends/husbands/wives, why can't I kiss my beloved? And to be honest, people usually don't pay big attention to it, we're living in quite liberal country.

So we came into the hall, sat down. There was still some time till the beginning and some of the dancers were walking on the stage. I put my arm around my boyfriend's shoulders and he quickly kissed me. Honestly, it was more like smooch than kiss. We didn't do anything more than that. And then after some minutes my brother came to me and he was like "all my friends are laughing at me because of you, I'm ashamed of you. If you want to lick each other's throats, get out of here and don't come to my dances anymore." I guess I'll remember these words for the rest of my life. His dance mates know I'm his brother, because I've been to many of his rehearsals. He's been dancing since he was 2 years old and I haven't missed a single show.

Anyway it hurt a lot. I couldn't even really enjoy the show as my mood was completely down and I couldn't think about anything else except that my brother is ashamed of me. I would've never thought he could say something like that to me. He's my only sibling and he knows I love him very much. I'm not even angry at him, I'm just hurt. We haven't talked since that evening. My boyfriend is trying to comfort me, but all the time I feel like I've lost something very valuable. We had good relationships before, but now I don't even know what will be. I've thought about calling him, but would it be worth it?

[southbiochem]

Feel free to ignore what I say, cause it's blunt.

Your brother needs to grow up. He's young and prone to minding childish mockery from his peers.

He won't be around these guys forever. He won't mind this guys forever.

If everyone else accepts you for who you are, changing everything for the sake of one person is idiotic.

Call him and let him know his behavior is childish cause if he saw you kissing with some girl he wouldn't have any problems and that's just unfair.

You're there because you care and love him. If he can't see that right now, it's his problem, let him dance alone with no one there to see him.

But do put in the table your being there and your calling him means you care for him a great deal.

Again feel free to ignore what I say. Or given he's your brother you can come up with less harsh ways to tell him what I just told you

[jpmachados]

Hi...
I fell sorry dont ask you in the same day that you posted... I saw that was in 2012 but I liked your story and I think that you're already in Peace with your brother, right?

I live in Brazil and today (2014) I think that we have more tolerance with homosexuals but not enough... I have a husband but I don't like to walk with hands holded and kiss in public... I think that I wrong to care what people say.. I need to work on it... I'm in process.

I think that your brother, with 17 years old is in a phase with his friend. Did you alread think about that?
They are in a phase that all girls is "hot" and need to show their masculinity.. I think that is stupid but unfortunately happen...

Today, I think he's already 19 years old and you can suffer with his preconception but when he becames older I think that will think different and both can become friends again and have a better life.

Give him his time and hold a little bit... It'll be better in the future and if he doesn't like that you kiss in public or hold you boyfriend's hand, try to avoid this kind of action in front of him... what do you think?

See ya!

[Woollyhats]

Hmm... Maybe tell your brother point blank: "If you can give your girlfriends a brief kiss in public, if anyone can, I can and will do the same with my boyfriend. I'm very disappointed that you feel the way you do about me, but I still love you, and if you ever change your mind, I would be happy to watch you dance.". Be kind about it, but don't let him step all over you --- if you do, your boyfriend may feel like you're ashamed of him.

Also, in the future, if you notice your brother is inviting you to family events and such, and you notice he isn't inviting your boyfriend ESPECIALLY if he generally invites people's spouses, refuse to go without your boyfriend. Make it clear that your boyfriend is a part of your life, and a part of what it means to be your brother.

Also, talk about this to your parents for advice, or perhaps ask if they could talk to him to get new perspective in the matter. They may approach the subject with him as well. My mother would approach my brother with a very simple "How would it have made you feel if this was you?" lecture if this happened to me, just to get my brother to consider how his actions affect others.

Your parents accept you, and so do your friends, I'm sure. Your brother fortunately does not have the luxury to simply exclude you. If you approach this directly and stand up for yourself, he's going to see that something has to give, and it's probably going to be him.

And lastly, if you literally was making out with your boyfriend, perhaps keep physical contact to a minimum and stick to things like a quick peck in public. PDAs do make some people naturally uncomfortable. Still, because of how your brother approached the issue, this is clearly more of a gay issue.

Good luck... your brother was rude, but hopefully he gets better..

[dfiant1]

I've thought about calling him, but would it be worth it?

No, It is always much better to just ignore that the person you have lived with all your life and love and respected for who they has just broken your heart. It is far easier to put the hurt behind you and just let your teenage brother continue being a hurtful and inconsiderate person.

This way you can go through the rest of your life with your guts churning and dreading being yourself wen your brother is around to avoid being hurt...the sort of dread that leads to reflux and stomach ulcers.

/end sarcasm

No seriously, you need to tear shreds of him. He has been and ungrateful turd. He needs to learn about respect and responsibility, he needs to learn that his older brother is the only one that is going to be there for the rest of his life, his mates are just cunts that are turning him into a puppet.

So yeah, I would tear him a new one, then walk away and make no contact with him until he comes to you and apologises.

[jpmachados]

No seriously, you need to tear shreds of him. He has been and ungrateful turd. He needs to learn about respect and responsibility, he needs to learn that his older brother is the only one that is going to be there for the rest of his life, his mates are just cunts that are turning him into a puppet.

So yeah, I would tear him a new one, then walk away and make no contact with him until he comes to you and apologises.

I agree..

If he could show to his brother another point of view about being gay and the dificulties, I think could work too...

[Lilitu]

I think you should just scold him for being rude. It's what older family members are meant to do to the young.

You're ten years older than him, and he should treat you with respect. That's that.

Noone should ever treat their elders especially their own brothers that way.

And to be honest it might be better coming from your parents. Mum and dad should be telling him off.

[Anonymous]

Usually I go to his dance shows together with our parents. This was the first time I had my boyfriend with me. He won't ever be alone, the whole town is coming to watch it, his friends and classmates included, so I believe he won't be very dissapointed if I won't be there( although I will, I could not miss it)

My brother and I, we're two completely different people. Those who don't know us could never tell we're siblings. Although being the eldest, I'm the quiet one, the emotional one. He's very independent, harsh, if it's necessary, very direct in his words and actions. I know he'll never apologize if he believes he's right. Scolding won't do any good, he's not 5 years old, I believe he would just tell me the F word if I started to teach him how to live.

Besides I don't want him to apologize. I just want him to accept me and my boyfriend.

[dfiant1]

He might not be a 5 year old, but he is acting like a 5 year old.

But each to their own, you obviously have your way that you are going to deal with your situation so all of our advice is mute. Of course we don't know you or your brother but we can place ourself in your situation and given the consensus....Hmmmmmm


Why are you asking for advice if you are going just reject our advice and defend your brother atrocious behaviour?

You do know that this behaviour WILL NOT change until it is corrected?

Anyway, as you were...good luck with it

[jpmachados]

Usually I go to his dance shows together with our parents. This was the first time I had my boyfriend with me. He won't ever be alone, the whole town is coming to watch it, his friends and classmates included, so I believe he won't be very dissapointed if I won't be there( although I will, I could not miss it)

My brother and I, we're two completely different people. Those who don't know us could never tell we're siblings. Although being the eldest, I'm the quiet one, the emotional one. He's very independent, harsh, if it's necessary, very direct in his words and actions. I know he'll never apologize if he believes he's right. Scolding won't do any good, he's not 5 years old, I believe he would just tell me the F word if I started to teach him how to live.

Besides I don't want him to apologize. I just want him to accept me and my boyfriend.

So continue with your life...
Show him that you care and keep going in his events..

I believe that everybody needs to respect us, but they have right to dislike... Try to keep going in the events with your boyfriend until your brother accept... try avoid kisses, hands or affection acts when he's near...

With the time, the city and his friends will see you as a "gay brother" and accept your life style... it would be natural... What do you think?

It can be early to show everybody that you're not the heterosexual that they expected... right?