Toxic Friendship With Straight Woman

[cookie]

I've been having issues with a friend for awhile and am wondering if this scenario is common at all.

I suppose this friend can be labeled as my "hag". We've known each other for about 4 years now and it seems that our friendship is becoming harmful. When we first became friends, I was still in the closet and she had helped me through that whole process and we would have great, hysterical times together. Now, it seems, to me at least, that she has taken things a bit too far. We've had our fights here and there and moved past them, but it's starting to be a vicious cycle. We've been roommates for about 6 months now and I feel like she's expecting too much from me. She doesn't have a car or the ability to drive due to a DUI, she's been unemployed for 2 months, and her friend circle has dwindled. I'm trying to help her, but I work, go to school, and have my own life to get together too. She gets about $2,000 a month from student loans, but chooses to go shopping for clothes, a TV, and other things she doesn't need (a $700 cat...) instead of finishing up paying her DUI fines and getting her license back. She uses my car and gas and expects me to drive her everywhere and I definitely feel like I'm being taken advantage of. Furthermore, she's verbally and emotionally abusive on a daily basis. I think that our cute, little gay-boy-straight-girl friendship has taken a negative turn as she has become extremely possessive. I'm confronted about how I'm never home or that we "haven't gone out in so long" because I'm at work or school or that I "would rather go to the gym than hang out". I'm not even able to hang out with my other friends without her throwing a tantrum and making me feel guilty.

I've heard of situations where straight girls try to fill a void within themselves by having a "gay boyfriend". She hasn't seriously dated anyone in a long time and I feel like she may be channeling a lot of that energy towards me. I can be her best friend, but I can't play the role of her boyfriend. She's constantly crawling into my bed and trying to cuddle and spoon me, which on occasion is friendly and fine, but I'm talking like almost everyday, even when I tell her to stop. She says I need to be a better friend, that her old girlfriends would do all these things that I don't. Sure, I'm gay, but I still have the biological brain of a male. I feel like this turn in our friendship is harmful because it doesn't allow either of us to actually grow or develop, rather it just intensifies this odd dependence on one another.

I guess what I'm really getting at and wondering is if anyone else out there has had this experience where one of your straight friends has tried to use you as a projection to fill some sort of need they have. Has your fag-hag relationship ever become toxic?

[Bowyn Aerrow]

I have had needy gal-pals.

When they become needy is when their life is spiraling out of control and they need a stronger shoulder to lean on.

All of this stuff that is going on, loss of job, license, friends is her life spirally out of control.

Yes your not spending time with her is not helping, its sending the message that she is losing another friend. Right now she is seeking someone - perhaps anyone that can remain a stable anchor in her life.

No doubt depression has set in - hard, that spending money she doesn't have, getting a pet - stuff like that is trying to 'make myself happy'.

And yes you are her boyfriend - her gay boyfriend, and yes she does love you almost like a lover - and yes when times get rough that fine line blurs.

She needs something stable in her life, assurances, a shoulder to lean on. That cuddling stuff is her trying to find a happy place and most likely isn't meant to lead to sex.

She needs encouragement to spread her wings and fly - and most likely a great deal of help to solve the problems... If she has depression just paying the DUI is perhaps a huge impassible mountain to her, not some minor speed bump in the road. Depression turns mole hills into mountains.

And you used to spend time with her... clearly, now suddenly YOU are deciding to put distance there.... That isn't very helpful.

[loserguy]

You need to put your foot down and spell it out for her I'm afraid,

As long as she has you in this way she will never take control of her own life and you will be held back.

Do not entertain her temper tantrums and do not allow yourself be blackmailed emotionally into giving her your car or money for things she can do without. Teach her to respect you and herself and she may just wake or and smell the coffee and one day discover the meaning of the word "friend"?

[EvenOlderButWiser]

You couldn't of put it better if you tried.

She has turned the relationship between you toxic, and quite frankly you have every right to walk away. If you don't you run the risk of her interfering in everything you do and you will come to hate her for that.

The question is are you strong enough to support her through this jumbled phase of her life, or are you going to put yourself and your needs first?

I would suggest a strong 1-2-1 discussion and a clear timeframe for her to get her life in some semblance of order or you draw a line under the friendship and move on.

Good Luck
ObW
X

[MisterTinkles]

I have had needy gal-pals.

When they become needy is when their life is spiraling out of control and they need a stronger shoulder to lean on.

All of this stuff that is going on, loss of job, license, friends is her life spirally out of control.

Yes your not spending time with her is not helping, its sending the message that she is losing another friend. Right now she is seeking someone - perhaps anyone that can remain a stable anchor in her life.

No doubt depression has set in - hard, that spending money she doesn't have, getting a pet - stuff like that is trying to 'make myself happy'.

And yes you are her boyfriend - her gay boyfriend, and yes she does love you almost like a lover - and yes when times get rough that fine line blurs.

She needs something stable in her life, assurances, a shoulder to lean on. That cuddling stuff is her trying to find a happy place and most likely isn't meant to lead to sex.

She needs encouragement to spread her wings and fly - and most likely a great deal of help to solve the problems... If she has depression just paying the DUI is perhaps a huge impassible mountain to her, not some minor speed bump in the road. Depression turns mole hills into mountains.

And you used to spend time with her... clearly, now suddenly YOU are deciding to put distance there.... That isn't very helpful.

And on top of all of this, it is apparent neither of you have set down any rules for your relationship, especially since you are living together.

Once one person in the relationship becomes redundant in some way (losing job is an example), then rules must be set in place and engaged for things to continue normally.

Right now, the best thing you can do, is set her down and give her a good talking too.

I would suggest rules such as these:

If she is going to waste her college money, then she can certainly give you half of what she gets, to help you cover costs for her not working.

She MUST seriously apply for at least 4 jobs a week if she is not going to go to school.
She might be able to get unemployment or food stamps, so she needs to check into that. If she is able to get those, then she can also give you half of that income, and use her food stamps to pay for groceries. But she must still seriously apply for jobs.

She can no longer use your vehicle, unless she has an interview for a job. And dont let her get away with lying to you, and then she drives to the mall or something.

You will be happy to take her where she wants to go, as long as YOU are available to do it. Otherwise she needs to take public transport or walk.



DO NOT make things easy on her. If she is just going to lay around, and go shopping, then she does not need any help from you, as you will just be enabling her.

Tell her she either needs to get back in school or get a full time job, you aren't her sugar daddy.

[Bluelight]

My "hag" tried to get me to cuddle with her. I told her no and that set the boundary right there. If she's telling you that you're not being a good friend by cuddling with her, then she's being emotionally manipulative and that's probably why the closest she can get to having a boyfriend is a gay best friend. Sorry that was kind of crude but I had a similar experience recently and I've just become very intolerant of women like this.

[East]

EEK......

Run!

OK...maybe you can have a talk but the manipulation thing is probably toxic and not something you can change.

The woman I knew when I was 20 is now the single person on earth I truly hate...there used to be three people I truly hated but since Ronald Reagan died there is only her and Sarah Palin.

When I met her I was really tired of all the waitresses having a crush on me and having to remind them I was gay so I told her when she wanted to hang out that I only wanted to hang out with lesbians so I didn't have to deal with that anymore. Well...a few weeks later she told me she was a lesbian...35 years later she has yet to be with a woman. She played me.

I made a fool out of myself because I ignored everything and 1000000000000000000000 warning signs and probably 300 people over the span of our "relationship" tried to tell me who she was and what she was doing...but I didn't listen.

You have clarity at this time...don't let your clarity fade...because it will with time and that kind of manipulation will take a toll on you. Don't make the same mistake I made.

Good luck...you will need it.

[Rainbowmum]

Sweetie it's time you told her that her behaviour is making you uncomfortable.
There is space and then there is personal space, she needs to respect that.

If you do not stand up to her regarding this issue she will walk all over you.

[synonymous]

Just remember that you're not a door mat, and that you shouldn't
hold people in such importance when all you are to them is an option.

I had a hag once who was an 'askhole', someone who asks for your
advice but does the opposite of what you tell them.