Disowned by entire family

[findingmyway]

Man, I'm so sorry. I wish there was something I could do over these boards. All I can say is that you weren't disowned by your family, you were disowned by a bunch of people who are not worth being in your life, if that is how they choose to treat you. Your family is your fiancé and your life ahead. Your family are the ones who will accept and love you, no matter who you are or how you "measure up" with their ideals and ideas of what a person should be. Go with your true family, for they will give you real love.

[driftwood]

Now that the wedding is coming up, a time where I should be most happy, I'm distraught. I know there is no good in inviting them. I have one friend who might be able to make it up to the wedding but that is really all I am expecting. I'm depressed that I don't have my family there to celebrate with. and that on the wedding day, when everyone sees that there is none of my family there, they will feel sorry for me. I'm just really lost and not sure what I should do. I feel bad talking to my fiance about it because I don't want to take away his joy from us planning our wedding. I just don't know how to take these feelings and get over them when its been four years and not much has changed. I feel emotionally broken.

Don't give up now. You've shown a lot of strength through the last four years. Some may feel sorry for you, but I'm sure they will also admire you and your fiance both for overcoming such adversity.

DO talk to your fiance about everything. Remember that a joy shared is twice a joy, and a sorrow shared is half a sorrow. You can't take away his joy by sharing in it. He can decrease the weight of your pain by sharing that.


Later on, after the wedding, remember what Evan88 & Woollyhats recommended. You have shown strength, but you have scars and they're deep. Get them looked after.

[CellarDweller]

Listen to what everyone here has said....you are worth so much more than that, and undeserving of that type of behavior.

Family is what you make it, and you've made a family for yourself. Enjoy it, and continue to move from the one who turned their backs on you.

[East]

I think your family is mentally ill. Seriously. I know it doesn't seem that way now but they did you a favor.

Please work on healing yourself instead of worrying about them or trying to contact them because all they will do is reinforce the destructive evil nonsense that has already taken it's toll on you.

I divorced my own parents and it was the best thing I ever did...very freeing for me. I don't pretend I like or love either one of them. ...they are both dead and I am glad. If I hadn't divorced them both...I would have never had a chance at loving myself.

BTW...the level of cruelty they showed you is the absolute opposite of everything Jesus stood for.

[Charon]

In few cases would I suggest this but...this is an instance where you need to retain an attorney to get your possessions. you will have to forget your feeling-you know what your family was like and it's to be their lot as the years go on that they regret and try to figure out how to undo the damage. But the attorney will help retrieve your things and as you are an adult, it's possible they have violated rights which are not alloed by discrimination due to sexual orientation. I know this is a horrible time for you and I'm sure you have all our sympathies, many of us have endured the same thing. But its now got to be about you and making them understand you are not their possession to dictate to what you will be. They don't like it, go to their church and cry to God who has visited this calumny on them. But God will not answer them only his fraudulent mortal representatives will and they'll tell them they're entirely right...
Good Luck. Charon

[LONDONER]

There's a lot of good advice given here. Don't allow your "family" to poison your life. It might be difficult for you to give up what was a major part of your life but to try to keep contacting them I believe will only damage you in the end. Everyone who has replied to you wishes they were able to do something more positive for you but there are limitations. Be comforted by the fact that you know that you have the love and support of the LGBT community.

The idea of employing the services of a solicitor is a very good one. Maybe you can find a gay friendly one through a local LGBT support group.

[Wardo94]

I can't imagine how hard it is to deal with something. One thing is having your parents disown you, but still have contact with friends and other family, but it's another when they're ganging up on you. As hard as it is, these people are not your family. They would have supported you no matter what. This is one of the reasons why I hate religion. It's normal that you're thinking about this on such a happy event of your life that'll be happening. After all, they are your blood related family, but that doesn't justify what they did to you. It's amazing how strong you have been and you should be proud of yourself that even though you went through these difficult times and had trouble coping, you were still able to keep your head up high and not let it completely get to you. That to me is an amazing trait to have as a person. Fuck them all. Remember that family isn't who is related to you by blood, but are those who are by your side at every moment and love you for who you are. If you ever need someone to speak to, I'm here.

[Complicated]

I strongly feel as if the ones that care for you the most will stick around even if you are gay. The sad thing is that your entire family decided not to do so. I can only imagine the heartbreak and desire to fix what has gone wrong but maybe moving on is the only option. I don't know what it is like to lose an entire family that is still alive but enjoy the new life you have. The pain will eventually fade...it always does.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

And that was then... This is now.

Let us look at now and the future.

Now your parents want nothing to do with you - you can get all upset about it stew on it, play Don Quixote and try to tilt windmills to earn their love, respect whatever it is you want from them.

OR... you can accept what is an move on.

I understand all to well the desire to have one's parent(s) love one, respect one, and be proud of one. It is a struggle I had with my parents and it lead to a lot of ugly. I'm sorry, your parents clearly are unable to reciprocate.

About minutes after I accepted that my parents are_________(fill in the blank) and decided to STOP trying to win them over, my life magically improved and a huge weight lifted off my shoulders.

Ah but the trick here is not to just accept this intellectually, one must accept it emotionally. It can be hard... but it can be done.

You need to reach the point where you realize that that old family ain't the one, and seek to build your own family and move on. Let them go, let all of that other ugly go and let God.

You also need to tell your partner that having your parents invited to the wedding is an all around bad idea. It is, from everything you have written they appear to be able to do a lot of damage to ruin that special day... Why invite them and risk that?

Send them an invitation after the wedding if you feel they need to be informed (they don't need to know).

[Genersis]

Moving on is probably best.

I understand you don't want to put a downer on the wedding for your fiancée, but I think it best to bring it up so he can provide a bit of emotional support.
Perhaps not talk about it in too much depth, just enough so it might stop bothering you.