I need advice badly. Boyfriend wants to break up because of his health problems.

[Anonymous]

I’m gay man, very desperate and unhappy about something that has happened in my life. My boyfriend and me, we’re together for 6 years. It was the happiest time of my life, because I’ve finally met a wonderful and beautiful person, someone that I’m ready to share my life with. We were talking about marriage for a long time and finally decided to do it this summer. We also wanted to adopt a baby, to have a real family. And I would’ve never thought that something like this might happen to us, but few months ago my boyfriend had an accident in his job and now he’s in the hospital. He has serious spinal trauma and he’s paralyzed from hips down, he cannot move or feel his legs. He still has a surgery in front of him when they will try to fix his spine, but actually doctors told us that the probability that this surgery will be successful is slight and there’s a big possibility he won’t be able to walk again for the rest of his life.

These news were a big shock to me, to his family and of course most of all to him himself. He’s just 26 years old, he has his whole life in front of him and it’ll be horrible if he’ll have to stay in the wheelchair. He’s depressed, he barely eats and sleeps. Well, at least he has stopped crying, when he first realized he cannot move his legs, he was crying his eyes out, which is a normal reaction, I think. Now he’s receiving some medicaments to calm him down a bit. We’re all here, his family and me, and we’re caring for him as much as we can. I came to the hospital every day, sometimes I even stayed with him overnight. I tried to cheer him up and sometimes it looked like I managed to do it. He started to smile and even laugh, but every day it was harder and harder to make him smile.

And what is breaking my heart the most - he wants to break up with me. I came to visit him one day and he told me that he’s letting me go. First I didn’t understand what he means, but then he said that he won’t allow me to waste my life on being together with a cripple. He told me to go away and find myself a healthy man. When I didn’t listen, he yelled at me to get lost and was like „if you come here one more time, I’ll ask the doctors not to let you in.” I don’t understand why is he like this. Now he needs me more than ever and he knows it. I’ve never had such thoughts. When I found out about what has happened with him, I’ve never had even the smallest thought about breaking up. I love him more than anything in the world and the fact that he might stay paralyzed, doesn’t change my feelings for him one little bit. I realize that our life will change a lot now and lots of things will be different and probably more complicated, but together we can make it, that’s why we’re a couple. We’re supposed to face the bad things as well.

I haven’t been in the hospital for a few days now, I’ve talked to his mother instead. She tells me that he’s suffering a lot more, doesn’t want to talk to anyone and still believes he has done the right thing – break up with me so I could meet someone else. I don’t need anyone else, I need him. He’s the person I want to spend my life with. I’m ready to care for him and do anything he needs, I want to do it, not because of duty, but because of love. His mother asks me to come visit him and I want it so much, but maybe I should respect his wish?

[dfiant]

What's the best way to prove to him that you love him?

Figure that out and then do that.

[James]

Take that youngman and shake him, it is not the end of the world, it's a beginning of a new life, I understand pain both phsical and emotional, but don't leave him alone to fight the battle ahead by himself, he doesn't know or understand it yet, but his family, yes that's you too, needs him as much as he needs them, stand by his side through it all, and most of all love him, cause he needs that more now than ever, we all are hoping for a full recovery, he is in our prayers, Jim

[loserguy]

Hi there,
I empathize with you for your situation.

You boyfriend is feeling very sorry for himself at the moment as he comes to terms with his situation. He is distressed emotionally and for that reason I would not take what he says seriously.

I would however give him the space to come to terms with it by limiting my visits for a while. In doing that though I would speak and keep in regular contact with his family regarding his situation and while I might stay away for a little while I would still visit. When he reaches a more stable state that might be the time to tell him again that you have no need nor intention to seek someone else as he is your soul mate and always will be.

This will take time and will be very trying for both of you. It is you who needs to try to stay strong for both of you through all of this. Good luck and try to keep positive. Take what he says with a grain of salt as he is acting emotionally and irrationally and rightly so!

[driftwood]

...She tells me that he’s suffering a lot more...
...maybe I should respect his wish?

No.

Don't skip another day! He's thinking of you. You're thinking of him. Which one of you needs the other more now?

Listen to his mother. However long it takes, show him your dedication.

Actions speak louder than words. Show him you don't want to find someone else.

[SilverFrost]

When in a relationship the other one's health problems basically chances the whole life to him/her, it is easy to forget that you are not the only one affected by it. I did the same mistake when I got diagnosed with a disease that has no cure and basically destroys my body slowly. I wanted to be "noble" and "let him go", to get himself a girlfriend who could still give him the family he so much wants, but in my depression I forget one little detail: he loves ME, he didn't want another one, he didn't want to find a healthy and unbroken one, he wanted ME.

I was lucky, he did not listen to me. We had some really rough times when we both were (and still are) adjusting to the changes in our lives, but he never gave up on me. So, what I am trying to say is that if you truly love him, never give up. He maybe can't see it right now, but your love can survive through the problems you both are having now.

Give him time, but never give up, if you love him. Stay with him and be strong

[Bowyn Aerrow]

He has suffered a major loss here and needs to go through the 5 stages of grief....

His behaviors are typical.

It takes between 6-9 months for a person to reach a level acceptance of such a life changing thing as a loss of limb or ability before they can think rationally about this new life change.

He is trying to 'save you' from what he most likely considers to be a life of hell for you. Right now he is working with all of the stereotypes and horrible images of what life in a wheelchair means, he sees no future and he doesn't want to pull you down that road.

Don't give up here, but DO give him space. Quit shoving yourself on him.

Give him a few days and go visit not as a lover but as a friend.

Somewhere in this you need to strike a bargain of 'Well lets give this X amount of time' before we make rash decisions.'

Since there is a critical surgery ahead that has a chance, albeit a minor one, of fixing issues.... start with that as a 'goal' to work toward.

Does he have a therapist (not physical, psychological)? If not then you or his mother or both need to start seriously pestering the attending doctor, the surgeon and any other doctor who has been on his case to refer a psychologist to this case and like yesterday.

[Woollyhats]

First: I'm so sorry to learn about your boyfriend's suffering. His life is going to change a lot and the transition will probably be the most difficult part of his recovery.

Second: He probably feels that he has lost everything. He has suddenly gone from being potentially productive, to feeling like a burden. He may have hopes and dreams that are no longer feasible, and the process of making new ones or substitutions is going to take a long time, if it occurs at all.

I hope he is already in therapy, if he is not yet. The medication to calm him down is probably helping for now, but reevaluating and learning a way to mentally process these changes and see them in a perspective he is okay with is important. This could take a long time and be gradual, or could seem to happen quickly... I know several people with cerebral palsy, and one who was paralyzed, and they seem to have reached acceptance in the end.

Unfortunately, right now is definitely not okay with the idea of being paralyzed. He feels like a burden to you, and he likely thinks you're going to stay with him because you feel sorry for him. He may even be a little bit jealous of you right now; just feeling a mix of self pity, depression, rage, helplessness...

What he needs right now is support. No, I don't think there's much you can do if he literally kicks you out of his hospital room, but keep visiting him, and listening to him. If he is hateful or cruel, don't allow him to abuse you, but perhaps be understanding that you are not the source of his negative feelings right now.

While he's in the hospital, you might do some nice things for him. If he isn't immobilized currently to protect his spine and can move, you can bring him for walks or field trips in his wheelchair, bring him gifts, perhaps get him materials for supporting the paralyzed. If he has a therapist please ask to see his therapist and ask for some advice in how to best support him over the next few weeks, months, years.

You could also look into sports, groups, materials specifically created for the paralyzed. There are forums just like this one for individuals with paralysis, for example. You can also look at people who are paralyzed who have been successful or are more importantly, happy. I might wait awhile or talk about how to approach this with his therapist first though...

Most importantly, he needs to know you still love him, and see him as the same person as he was before. Learning the language to use around someone who is disabled, and why learning given language is important, may also help...

[CellarDweller]

Does he have a therapist (not physical, psychological)? If not then you or his mother or both need to start seriously pestering the attending doctor, the surgeon and any other doctor who has been on his case to refer a psychologist to this case and like yesterday.

This needs to be done right away! He needs mental help as well as medical help.

As for you, he does need his space, but if you truly love him, you need to let him know you're not going anywhere.

Once he realizes his life is not over, and that he can live as well in that chair as well as out of it, then things between you will be able to be healed.

[Cuddly]

You see people learning to walk again in movies all the time.. I wonder how that works in the real world. Sorry to hear about the tragic accident, but life goes on. You're obviously dedicated to makung it work, so I am sure you will do the right thing. Good luck!