Sometimes i think it would be nice but most of the time no and if the guy im with is always talking about his family…parents, siblings, neices & nephews it really puts me off him…HELLO!
My best relationship was with someone who didnt have a family and i dint talk about mine much… i find it particuly offensive when guys say "my partner will have to be family-orientated"
Some gay guys actually say this!
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I had a family too. I don't regret having a family, but I regret aspects of how it came to be, who I did it with, and definitely the way things are now is not optimal.
By far the biggest problem was that we were unrealistic about what we each wanted our role to be, and in reality our deep desires were in conflict. She wanted to be a stay at home mom but frankly wasn't very good at it. She's disorganized and doesn't give a fig for housekeeping or cooking. She would have been happier in the workforce. I got thrust into the role of provider. I'm a crappy provider. I would much rather have worked part time and spent more time taking care of the family.
Then there's the fact she's a girl. I loved her as much as I could, but yeah there was something missing.
We did eventually figure things out somewhat, but it was too late to avoid causing some real damage to all of our lives, including our kids lives. I have a lot of guilt over that. But the punishment has been out of proportion to the "crime". It's forced me to completely re-evaluate everything I used to think and be.
I wouldn't discourage anyone from having kids. My kids have been the source of my greatest joy, and I'm constantly proud of them as I see what kind of young adults they're growing to be. But I put my entire life on hold before it ever really got started, and I definitely wish I'd been with someone who's expectations matched up better with my own. I'm just not the strong masculine patriarchal provider type and the expectation to fill that role caused me so much anxiety that after a few years I actually had physical symptoms.
A lot of these problems were absolutely exacerbated if not outright caused by social conditioning and more specifically church affiliation. She was Mormon, and I converted. The Mormon doctrine has very clear cut roles for men and women, and we tried to fill those roles and failed miserably. You could say I'm bitter, but my opinions go a lot deeper than bitterness I think. Forcing people to conform to gender stereotypes just doesn't work and is an abusive and wrong practice. When I examine my feelings from those times there was always and underlying shame for what I actually wanted out of life. Not just the fact of my actual sexuality, but the fact that I deeply wanted to be taking a larger role in parenting and homemaking and also wanted a partner who would share the load more. I never bought into the idea that "kids need the mother" on a deep level. Dads are every bit as good as moms, and some dads are better than some moms, and vice versa.
Here's my advice for younger generations and those wanting a family. First, establish your own career goals and become self sufficient. Make sure you and your partner are a stable couple before you bring kids into it. Make sure you both are being honest about what you want your role in the family to be, and that the two of you are compatible in your desires and expectations. Once the kids are a fact of daily life, don't ignore your partner's feelings and be prepared to adjust. At this point you no longer have the option of an easy out. You have to try to make some things work even if it's not what you expected, and believe me there will be surprises along the way.
So should you have a family? Nobody else can or should tell you that. But I can personally say that even with all of the stupid self inflicted problems, I'm glad my kids are walking the earth.
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I have two children and my relationship with my wife hasn't suffered at all because of that.
We still do all the things we enjoyed doing before our daughters were born . The only things that have changed are that now we are responsible for two other human beings. So we make some sacrifices and work around the needs of our children. This does not mean that we can't do all the things we liked doing before we became parents. At all.
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