Somewhat a goddamn bitch of an unsatisfactory situation

[recluzeus]

I apologize in advance to anyone reading this. It’s going to be a lengthy post and English isn't my first language, so please bear with me. I’ll try to exclude the irrelevant parts and be as concise as possible.

Basically this is about me – a closeted gay guy falling for my straight best friend. I'm sure this is pretty common hence I'm not going to justify that my predicament is any special than the others.

This is not the first time that I had a crush on a straight guy. I know it very well that this isn't healthy. The crazy cycle goes like this – getting really close to someone that I can’t truly have; then the hurt-phase kicks in till I can’t stand it, forcing me to find another straight guy to be obsessed about to ease the pain. I found myself keep doing it over and over again (not that many, really – just a dozen maybe), and yet somehow I'm still able to maintain my sanity.

I've known him for almost 15 years; we were housemates back in college (along with other 10+ guys), but it was only around 6 years ago that we've got really close. I was working at that time and we were housemates again with another friend. When I first realized I was falling for him, I told myself, “Well, this is going to be just like the last time. Enjoy yourself while it last.”

To cut it short, I quit my job 4 years ago, abandoned most of my friends, went through quite a rough chapter in my life and finally settled being a recluse guy doing nothing staying home most of the time. He is married now and has a son. He lives quite far from me but still works here in KL.

Maybe due my loneliness that I keep crawling back to him, or maybe he was genuinely being a good friend, nothing changed between us all these years. Although I like to think I was really being an asshole when I didn't come to his wedding and dissing him on various times during my hurt-phase, I don't think it was over dramatic that way. He never complains or said anything about that. We’re still best buddies. How can I be certain of that?

I believe it’s proven when I came out to him. I also told him how I felt for him all these years. It was a gruelling conversation. I really do better when I write than verbal communication. So, if you think this is hard to understand, you can imagine how bad was the conversation. My mouth was dry throughout those 2-3 hours. But in the end, he accepted it very well. I think I could remember every single word he said that night. Among the things he said – “You’re my best friend for life, bro.” “I'm OK as long as you’re not taking advantage of me”. He did ask me what I want him to do now, my answer was, “I don’t want to change anything. I don’t know when or how I'm going to get over you, but that's for me to deal. There’s nothing you can do about it.” During the conversation, I keep reiterating that my worst fear is that things will be different between us. I gave few examples like the usual things that we do which might be uncomfortable later on – riding the bike with him, me holding his son, etc. but he said he’s okay with all that – everything will be fine.

So, here I am now, precisely 2 weeks and 5 days ago since that conversation. We hangout a couple of times within these past fortnight. Everything is as usual; we still keep the same type of conversations, no awkward silence or anything like that. The thing that troubling me now is – why am I not satisfied? No feeling of elation. Zero. Why do I feel that there’s some unfinished business. I still feel like I want to tell him more… Probably this feeling of unsatisfactory is because I think he doesn't truly understand how much I love him. He means everything to me. I didn't use the word ‘love’ that night because I didn't want to freak him more, but I did say something like, “You don’t know how bad it hurts, man. It’s not the sexual attraction or the jealousy. Jealousy – I can handle that shit. It’s just hard to explain…” Maybe he doesn't understand due to my lack of skill in verbal communication.

I feel like I need to tell him how worried shit I was every time he has to go out of country to work; how guilty I felt when I couldn't lend him money when I know he needed it, because I'm too broke to even feed myself; how I feel I want to slap his wife whenever she did something stupid in their marriage; how f**kin’ hurt it was when I can’t express how much I care about every single bit about him, etc…

So, what should I do now? Should I take him back to that uncomfortable conversation and tell him how much I love him? Or should I just keep it to myself? If I manage to tell him that, what's next? Or should I start moving on and stop seeing him completely?

Thanks to everyone who read everything. I really appreciate that. And again, I'm sorry for the lengthy post. I'm pretty sure I missed some details or was being too vague in some points. Let me know and I’ll try to elaborate/explain as much as I can.

[megumidesu]

telling him that you love him isn't going to do anything . he's straight , and he's married , and he has a child. he's totally off limits .
he sounds like a really good friend , though ... would you be able to stay friends while keeping quiet about your feelings ?

try to meet someone else . distract yourself from your feelings for him by focusing on finding someone else who can reciprocate them to you . someone who is gay/bi and single.


sorry that i can't help much more . i'm sure someone else will suggest something much more useful.
also , your english is really good .

[CellarDweller]

There isn't anything that can really come of this. You need to do your best to focus on something else, and in time, the feelings will fade.

goddamn bitch of an unsatisfactory situation - Now there's a brokeback memory

[southbiochem]

You said what you were hiding and you didn't felt satisfied.

Trust me, saying anything else won't satisfy you either.

Because you are in love with this guy, nothing will ever be enough for you except having him as your partner.

But he is straight, and furthermore he is married with a kid.

You need to accept, hurtful and heartbreaking as it will be, that he will never be with you and that he will never have the same feelings for you as you do for him.

Move on. Start looking, if possible for you, guys who will love you back. Start going out there and find out where you can start meeting gay guys.

Do the healthy thing and don't put yourself through anymore unnecessary pain

[Woollyhats]

Hi,

Even if he ever is attracted to you, it wouldn't be right. He is married and with a family.

You should move on from this crush. I know it's hard, but you'll feel better after doing so. Well, you'll feel worse for awhile, but then you will feel better.

[LONDONER]

In general the advice given on this forum is considered and sound. The advice given to you here is no exception. Take notice of it. Move on. Don't complicate your friend's life nor yours. Find a new object for your desire.

[Ryocchi]

Don't talk to him, you already did, no matter how many times you tell him your feelings nothing is going change, you need to focus on something else, seek new people make new friends, try to mingle more in the gay community.

[loserguy]

You are lonely and vulnerable and that is the reason for this. It will only led to more loneliness and heartbreak.

You are in control of your life and should live it while you can and that means opting in instead of opting out as you have been doing! It won't guarantee that you are happy or that you aren't lonely but at least it will take you out of the sorry situation that you are and have been in.

[freelandia]

When we were single we dated married guys, heck, we dated people who wanted to give us good times. The common rule among club people back in the day was never give your heart to a married man. When the fun's over and the opulent gifts stopped flowing move on. You're not dumb, but you have the case of love hangover. Do you like yourself? Loneliness is not an excuse where we come from. Gays and queer married guys are bouncing off the walls in our hood. You're single. Date your heart out until you find Mr. Right. Pray to your god to give you strength and clearer mind. Dating is the best cure. Obsessing about him is not. Get your drama-ass off that chair and get yourself a dinner and dancing date. Nice work if you can get fun times.

[ChadCoxRox]

He already knows all he needs to know about your thoughts and feelings for him. He told you to not take advantage of him. If you try to figure further you're playing games and deserve the result...good or bad. Do you care to gamble with his friendship? I totally love freelandia's remarks about "love hangover" and recommend you consider his post repeatedly until you agree and follow through with getting on with life. Spinning wheels in the "oh if only" will only hurt you, and possibly him, more. Stopping is not like a light switch, it's like a healing process. You've begun to heal by being honest. Build on that. Rigorous honesty (not perfect) is the best way because the truth is you care enough about him to want him happy and you care enough about yourself to come to embrace the need to move on. We all here at GS LOVE your sharing and will work with you through the whole process.