Help me to come up with a solution for my current situation please?

[JustAButt]

First off, hello, thank you for at least reading this post. If I make it too long please stick around for a TL;DR at the end. I would greatly appreciate it.

I am a 24 year old male, I just recently moved from California to Maryland for my boyfriend of a year and a half. We had met in school, went through some classes together before we realized we loved each other. Soon, he moved from California to Maryland to be closer to family as he had no contacts or relations outside of me in Cali. I spent the better part of 5 months finishing my final semester in California before I decided to move to Maryland to be closer with him, since we had remained in contact and I constantly traveled out to see him in Maryland.

He is only 19, was 18 when I met him, and though his age does give him the sense of immaturity in certain situations, he is more mature than I am in aspects. We have so far spent 2 months of this summer together, me looking for work and him going to his part-time. I have been also working at a retail store as I wait for an offer to finalize with a company here in Maryland. So while we spend sometime away from each other it is more likely that we are together most of the day. He is anti-social in some senses, he really has a hard time in public venues and that is mainly due to his father and how he basically was forced to confine who he was. His father is a red-neck, racist homophobic. He told Nick he never accepted who he was but in the end he still loves Nick. This forced Nick to basically shelter himself.

I on the other hand have had similar experiences where I have repressed who I am to my family. My father was an alcoholic and my mother abused opiates and alcohol, though we have both been out since 16. I tend to have a more 'avoiders' mentality' in the sense that I crave admiration from those I love but fear being abandoned again. I have worked really hard to quiet my thoughts with therapy after my previous relationship with a bi-sexual man ended with him marrying the woman he had engaged from his art class(Arts college) after 4 years of dating me. Since then I have had a hard time trusting love.

These two personalities are really not well meshed, Nick is an avoider in the sense he doesn't want to be 'trapped' or feel like he doesn't have himself. He wants friends but is too afraid of rejection and thoughts to make an attempt. I love him all the same, I find that once he gets past his fears he can be really tender and nice. I want him to have friends and I never worry about the possibilities of such friends but I know Nick can be influenced to do things to fit in.

I have a need for emotional availability, I love to just have nice things said to me once in a while through the week. Something as little as 'I care about you deeply' would make me feel so accomplished and cared for but he has a hard time expressing these emotions. He does say he loves me but it is rarely he begins the conversation, typically I say I love you to him and he retorts. He has even already began to talk hypotheticals where we're just friends. Insisting he wants me to remain close to him no mater the outcome of our romantic endeavors. This alone plants seeds of doubt in a avoiders mind, I do not think in hypotheticals but I do think in what-if's. The what-if's are he is going to break up with me.

I cannot say everyday is bad but there are days where it is miserable. Such as when I attempt to make a statement that spending 8 hours on the computer when I have made offers to come up stairs and watch a movie and eat a nice dinner with me are ignored. I told him it makes me sad that he cannot at least answer me and in turn he beats himself up and grows more distant. This particular situation happened last evening and instead of him at least communicating how he felt he acted as if though I was punishing him or making him do something other than what he wanted (simply saying okay with saddened features in his expressions) when in reality I was just communicating my feelings. I have given him this entire week/end to do what he wants basically to himself. Even after this situation, once things were calmed he grew angry and annoyed with me. Instead of holding a grudge I apologized, I took the blame hoping he would calm and show some love when we took a nap. Instead he just rolled closer to the edge, not holding me or even talking to me. Any attempt at showing affections were ignored.

Sex has been off and on too, he refuses to do anything with me unless he is in the mood, if I so much as try to show an interest in sex he says it makes him uncomfortable. That making advancements when he is just trying to talk or snuggle makes him feel less loved and more used. Yet when he is in the mood and I feel as though I am too tired or sore he will instantly begin to grow cold and angry. This isn't a 100% thing but it does happen sometimes and worries me. Most the time I am happy to oblige and give him what he wants even if not in the mood. I just wish sometimes he could see it in at 180*. Seeing I am not unloving or uncaring but I am simply trying to have passionate, spontaneous sex with my boyfriend. I have since mellowed my advances.

In the end I have really felt emotionally drained. I have poured so much into trying in this relationship I am afraid for the results. I know I can work on the small things but I need to know how to get to someone who is emotionally distant and afraid to allow people in. I do not want to lose him, I love him too much to do so. I know I am not perfect in any means, I am sure there are times I bug the hell out of him or I unintentionally hurt him. I know this because I am human, I want information to better help US. Not just change him, I know I can change too to make things work.

TL;DR - I have moved to another state for a boyfriend who obviously has some issues to work out, it plays against my own issues and I need advice on how to handle that situation when communication is just not working. Please, anything constructive would greatly be appreciated. I want to learn how to communicate better.

[kindy64]

What you need to learn is patience. Stop trying to move him out of his comfort zone to satisfy your insecurities.

I get needing to feel validated. That's what it sounds like you're looking for. You and he are at different levels of emotional and romantic experience. And you both have different needs at the moment.

Patience.

[LJay]

Did he ask you to move to Maryland?

Were you living together in California?

it sounds like you are both just out of high school. Is that correct?

How much time have the two of you spent talking about this?

Do you think that it is possible that your moving to be loser to him has overwhelmed him?

Can you get some outside help?

[JustAButt]

I want to be patient and you're 100% correct that this plays on my insecurities. How do I feel safe in this current situation Kindy64? Have I made a mess of it too much to go back? I do feel underappreciated as I do laundry, cook, clean and grocery shop for the both of us.

Ljay - Yes, he was the one who invited me. I think partly becuase he felt bad I was so close to abusive parents. He's mentioned he didnt like me staying there and part of me wishes I never told him because it feels like a big reason he invited me. Then again he really was excited to have me come.

No we didn't live together but we spent every free moment and even slept in calls together when we didnt stay over.

I just finished my bach in marketing and hes a sophmore in college. Im 6 years out of high school he's almost 2.

I seriously try to have communication. He just gets annoyed and shuts me out. Sometimss he communicates and sometimes he blames. I am learning how to deal with the diffrence. Then there are times he engages and they're a great way for me to understand.

I am almost certain he is a little overwhelmed and so am I. I know zero people and have no one but his family and himself as friends. I am trying to make some but you know how it is with people. Realness is rare. He also doesnt have any real friends and I think that hurts him.

I cannot even get communication at home about small things. I think outside help would push him too far outside his comfort zone.

Thanks guys, please continue to help me with your advice and suggestions. I am an open book.

[Rareboy]

Again, after reading what you wrote...I think maybe it is time to move on.

You can keep trying and trying and trying to fix things but I think it is already over.

Go out and find someone who will make you happy.

[MikeW]

...
TL;DR - I have moved to another state for a boyfriend who obviously has some issues to work out, it plays against my own issues and I need advice on how to handle that situation when communication is just not working. Please, anything constructive would greatly be appreciated. I want to learn how to communicate better.

I read the long version, too.

This is a tough one and exemplifies why I often council young gay men NOT to get into deep emotional relationships too early. So many late-teen, early 20 guys DESIRE a relationship and yet don't really understand what that means. For sure, relationships can meet many of our needs but they ALSO often bring up, as you put it, "unresolved issues". Worse, these issues surface in the context of a relationship where communication and the possibility of working through them is very limited.

I'll also quickly add that this kind of dysfunctional relationship isn't only limited to youth. My last relationship turned out badly, not because we didn't love one another, but because the depth of that love took us to places inside ourselves that neither of us had ever been before and were barely able to face. Both of us were grown men, I 49, he 39 at the time.

One thing you have to understand is you can not "fix" Nick. Perhaps if you were older, more mature, more experienced, you'd be able to be "patient" as [MENTION=22879]kindy64[/MENTION] suggests. However, you are as you are now. This fact has to be your starting point. The only person you can "fix" is yourself.

What I'm suggesting here is that you begin to take full responsibility for the choices you've made and the situation in which you now find yourself. It's not a matter of "blame" or "fault" but of awareness: Right now you are in this situation because you chose this particular path. It has brought you to exactly where you are now.

You need to try and 'step back' and look at your situation very carefully. Is this what you want? Granted it gives you SOME of what you want, but are you satisfied, happy? From what you've said so far, I'd say not so much.

Alright so you're in a relationship with a young man who is struggling with some very complicated inner conflicts. Ideally you'd LIKE to be there for him and help him move to a place that gives you more of what you want. But that' the problem. You can't make him do that. In fact, from the looks of it, any attempt on your part to do so only further alienates him. It's a "knot" a "catch 22" a conundrum that cannot be resolved *so long as your energy is focused on Nick as the 'cause' or 'source' of the problem*.

Yes, Nick has his issues. But you can't fix them or resolve them. The ONLY issues you can even potentially "fix" are your own. In doing so there is some slight chance this will affect Nick's own choices but, more likely than not, this will guide you to moving beyond this relationship completely.

I know that isn't what you want to hear. I understand you feel deeply connected to Nick... perhaps even responsible for him. But that' just it. Nick must become responsible for himself and he can't do that so long as you're pressuring him (however unintentionally) to conform to what YOU need or want. I understand that moving beyond this relationship will cause you a lot of pain... and it will take time to heal from it. But, as I see it, this is what you must do. For yourself AND for Nick.

Concentrate on "fixing" yourself, first. Then and only then is there even the remotest possibility of you being there, truly open and supportive of Nick in a way that makes no demands on him whatever.

[JustAButt]

So many thanks for all the suggestions, no matter how real or how harsh they may seem. Advice is advice and who am I to discount it?

Rareboy - Finding someone who makes you happy isn't so.. how do I put it? So transparent? You realize that there is no definite in any relationship? I really do respect your input but if love was so easy everyone would be happy.

MikeW - What you say really hits at home. . . I know we are young but I am not inclined to feel as if our age is really the fault here. You are right in the sense that I can never fix him. I do not know why I was looking at trying to fix him. I CAN only fix myself. I want to work on me, I want to better myself for him because I love him. I get agitated. I get worried. I love him though and simply giving up. . .the thought of walking up to him to say no more. . . It hurts more than any pain I've experienced in a long, long while.

I do not want to give up yet, I do not want to hang my hat. I know that this may be silly or rash but I am young. Young people do stupid things all the time. . .Like falling in love. I wrote this all in a moment of extreme doubt and worry. I know I wrote before about him going off to PA without me. I get worried, I get stressed over the little things. I need to work on that. He is the love of my life. More so than any other relationship. Aside from bullshit we go through we understand each other. I can connect with him like no one else and therefore I refuse to give him up just so simply.

Thank you all for answering. Mike, Kindy - I hope that I can continue to lean on your wealth of experience. Having someone who is older and also gay to speak with has been a great help.

[nightingale93]

I hope u are doing fine ..whtever u r going thru rn.