03-02-2016, 06:14 PM
Backstory:
I am currently a freshman at college. I started the spring semester so I've been here for about eight weeks now. The second weekend of me being here around 2:00 a, I exited my dorm to go use the bathroom. Five people were standing outside. Four guys. One girl. Three of the four guys looked gay and the other one looked straight. They glanced at me as I walked past them but immediately went about their conversation. The one guy that appeared to be straight continued to stare at me but I didn't pay it any mind and I proceeded to the rest room. On my way back to my dorm I noticed that he continued to stare at me as if he were checking me out but too afraid to give off that impression at the same time. And in all honesty I was too shy to continue looking at him. About thirty minutes later I walked down to the computer lab in the basement of my residence building (I live on the 3rd floor). I was checking my bank account information online. There are windows that surround two sides of the wall where you can look through. And directly outside of the computer lab is a small lounge area where collegians can hang at. I glanced over at random and saw that very same guy walking past staring dead at me, with the same look on his face as I previously described. Initially, I found it a little creepy. However, minutes later I came to realize that I wasn't at all creeped out by it but quite intrigued. A day or so later I was walking through the first floor of the building and saw him sitting at a table with a girl that I'm semi aquainted with so I decided to walk over and start a conversation with her about something random.. He intervined into the conversation (not in a rude manner of course) and we said about one or two things to each other and then the conversation ended. Several hours later I ran into the girl who was sitting at the table with him and I asked her if he was gay and she replied 'no'. Despite my suspicions from his previous actions I believed her and I completely dropped the situation altogether. An hour or so later I exited & entered the building multiple times to go smoke a cigarette. In the front desk area there were a group of kids hanging out and from the corner of my eye I could see him staring at me. I didn't look towards him, still believing what the girl recently told while keeping that in the back of my head at the same time. The following the day he walked by me and he said 'hi' to me and then my name. I replied greeting him and played casual. And then that pretty much begin to happen on a daily biases. And it seemed like with each 'hi' i received from him I could see the excitement in his face. Especially the on the one occasion where I actually said his name. Another situation occurred in the computer lab some days later. It was once again very late at night. I was in there alone. And I heard the door opened and someone walk in. It was him. He smiled at me and I smiled back then turned back facing the computer. He sat at the computer on the opposite side of the room as me so our backs were facing one another. He was listening to music as well as myself but my headphones were positioned as speakers and he had one headphone in his ear and the other was out. I randomly turned around and glanced at him and almost immediately he turned around and looked at me. Thinking of anything off the top of my head I asked for a pen. He searched his book bag to find one but he couldn't. Poliletly, he offered to go all the way upstairs and get me one. I told him that he didn't have to and that I could go one myself but thanked him. He was in there for about another half an hour then he got up to leave. Right before exiting out. He told me to have a goodnight and stared at me for an extended amount of seconds. I smiled casually and wished him the same. The following day I sat in my dorm speculating every action I've witnessed while remembering what his friend said to me about him being straight. I decide right there and then that I could no longer play the guessing game in my head and that I would just completely forget about him. I grabbed a cigarette and I exited my dorm. Randomly glancing down the hallway I saw him walk out the bathroom with his towel wrapped around his waste. Our eyes met but I immediately turned towards my door to lock it. (The bathroom is right next to his room. I should also add that his room is located directly across from the double doors that I need to exit through in order to leave the floor). He stood by his door. He wasn't conversing with anyone. He wasn't texting on his phone. He wasn't looking for his key to unlock his door. He just stood there. I had headphones on and trying as hard as possible to avoid eye contact as I walked down the hallway with my music blaring in my ears. Usually I just have to push the doors once for them to open. In that particular moment (which is beyond me) I had to push them about two or three times. And within that time frame I heard him call my name about two times, louder each call. I continued walking and instantly I felt like an asshole for it. And a bit childish. I ended up staying up all night because I couldn't stop thinking about the entire situation. The following morning I went out for a smoke and as I entered the building I ran into him. He looked at me as if were mad at me. I gave a casual smile and he just turned around & walked away, which only made me feel worse. Later on that day I was in the basement, sitting in the lounge. He walked in with the same girl who told me he was straight. As soon as he saw me he stopped his conversation and turned around to go upstairs. Later on that night I went to use the bathroom down the hall from my dorm and there he was just a couple of feet away from me as I went to wash my hands. I saw him glance at me from the corner a few times. And I glanced at him a few times as well. On our way out of the bathroom he smiled casaully and held the door open for me. I kind of didn't know how to take it so I just kept walking. The next day I sat in my dorm speculating once again. Everything at that point just became extremely confusing for me. I didn't want to avoid him any longer because it was only making me feel worse inside. Not better. I came to conclusion that I should apologize for being an asshole and be straight up about how I feel towards him and see what happens from there. I walked down the hall and knocked on his door, hoping he would answer it and not his roommate. To my relief he did. I instantly felt the pressure way in on me. I asked him if I could speak to him for a moment and he said 'sure' kind of with a worried look on his face. He stepped out and shut the door behind him. I apologized to him but he acted as if he didn't know what for. Even though I said clear as a day 'I wanted to apologize for the other night'. I didn't understand why he was acting as if he had no idea what I was talking about when he clearly showed that he felt a type of way by avoiding me the previous day, but I further explained. He pretty much cut me off midway and explained that he didn't take it personal. I was about to express him my feelings but I couldn't get myself to do it. My fear took over and held me back. So I simply wished him a good night. He wished me the same. And I walked away. I couldn't even smile casually. I was so damn nervous. Starting the next day things went back to the way they were with him greeting me with a huge smile on his face. About a week or so after that I just stopped acknowledging him again because my feelings were getting stronger but things between us stayed the same. He didn't make a move and neither did I. And right after that it seemed like everywhere I'd go I'd see him. We ran into each other about seven - eight times a day. But then two weeks passed by and I stopped running into him so much. It felt like centuries since I've seen him but of course I would think about him constantly. I forced myself to numb all my thoughts of him that way I can numb my feelings. And it sort of worked. But then just a couple days ago I went to use the bathroom and he was walking towards the sink. I mastered the art of avoiding all eye contact with him and I pretty much pretended that he wasn't there. Of course I saw him glance at from the corner of my eye twice. First when I came in. Second right before he walked out.
Presently:
The night before last I decided to write him a letter because I couldn't continue wondering anymore. Wondering was clearly getting me nowhere. I pretty much explained why I'm writing the letter, how I feel about him and why. I also included particular things that I pick up from him and I included circumstances and occurences to further help indentify what I mean. I made sure to choose my words carefully and to be honest at the same time. I asked questions about his actions. Lastly, I explained that this letter is no way, shape or form intended to disrespect or make him feel uncomfortable. After I finished writing the letter I slid it under his door around two o'clock yesterday morning and then I fell asleep, I woke up around eleven in the morning feeling incredibly nervous & anxious because I'm aware that he can react any sort of way and considered that multiple times before writing the letter to begin with. I saw him about an hour later and as I walking down the hall to go to the bathroom. Nothing happened. I assumed that he received the letter but didn't tell anyone which made me feel relieved because that was my biggest worry. An hour after that I ran into him into the hallway again. This time he stopped at his door. And looked at me. I glanced but couldn't look for long because I was too fearful to. He went into his room and I went to my Creative Writing class with paranoid thoughts pondering in my head the entire time. I began to feel worried that he may have told people. A part of me tried to stay positive. That didn't work for long. I ended staying in my dorm all day long not wanting to leave for any reason and layed in bed watching YouTube videos on my phone. Hours later I heard a lot of riff raff coming from the hallway, louder than usual. Soon after I heard his voice and several others. I had the urge to open the door and listen to what the hell they were talking about. I live in the middle of the hallway and they were at the very end of the hall so it was kind of hard to listen. I opened my door to hear better. Throughout the next ten minutes of listening to their conversation I heard things being said here & there that I felt could have been referred to the letter but at the same I wasn't completely sure. They were kind of talking all over the place. As I listened more the things they were saying started to sound more & more like they were defintely referring to the letter. I stepped out to walk down towards the bathroom just to see what would happen. The second I stepped out they ALL turned around looking dead at me. I played it off as if I didn't even notice. As I stepped into the bathroom one of the kids turned to him and said his name in a very mimicky, romantic way and he said nothing. He didn't even look up at me. As I walked back into my dorm I felt numb inside. Sadness mixed with humilaition. I stayed in there for the rest of the evening. I couldn't move for hours. My mindset was in the darkest mood possible. I have literally been up all night and cannot sleep.
More than anything. I'm pissed. I get it. I did this to myself. But I did it in the most respectful manner possible. I didn't gossip about him and his suspicious acts to people on campus. I've literally experienced and kept all of this in at the same time for NINE WEEKS. I was to the point where I was driving myself fucking insane because I couldn't come up with answers as to why he was doing this. What bothers me the most is that he's making it out to seem as if I'm taking shit out of thin air and just making it up. These are things that have happened. The glancing at me multiple times within one moment or staring at me for an intensive amount of time. Not once. Not twice. But through the entire semester. What pisses me off the most is that he had the audacity to tell a bunch of people so they can tell people. I wouldn't be surprised if the entire resident hall is finding out as we speak. And now people that don't even know me are gonna have whatever impression of me that him & whoever he told wants to put out there. And the only thing that makes sense to me as to why he would feel the need to run and tell a bunch of people is because he has deep insecurities that he hasn't dealt with and either something that was said within the letter or just the letter altogether struck that/or those insecuries and now he feels the need to blast me to other people almost as a way to convince them of something that deep inside he's just trying to convince himself. The fact that he wasn't even man enough to approach me strengthens those beliefs even more and it (to me) shows guilt. But what do I know? Why do believe he handled the situation the way he did? And how do you believe I should handle the situation from here on out?
I am currently a freshman at college. I started the spring semester so I've been here for about eight weeks now. The second weekend of me being here around 2:00 a, I exited my dorm to go use the bathroom. Five people were standing outside. Four guys. One girl. Three of the four guys looked gay and the other one looked straight. They glanced at me as I walked past them but immediately went about their conversation. The one guy that appeared to be straight continued to stare at me but I didn't pay it any mind and I proceeded to the rest room. On my way back to my dorm I noticed that he continued to stare at me as if he were checking me out but too afraid to give off that impression at the same time. And in all honesty I was too shy to continue looking at him. About thirty minutes later I walked down to the computer lab in the basement of my residence building (I live on the 3rd floor). I was checking my bank account information online. There are windows that surround two sides of the wall where you can look through. And directly outside of the computer lab is a small lounge area where collegians can hang at. I glanced over at random and saw that very same guy walking past staring dead at me, with the same look on his face as I previously described. Initially, I found it a little creepy. However, minutes later I came to realize that I wasn't at all creeped out by it but quite intrigued. A day or so later I was walking through the first floor of the building and saw him sitting at a table with a girl that I'm semi aquainted with so I decided to walk over and start a conversation with her about something random.. He intervined into the conversation (not in a rude manner of course) and we said about one or two things to each other and then the conversation ended. Several hours later I ran into the girl who was sitting at the table with him and I asked her if he was gay and she replied 'no'. Despite my suspicions from his previous actions I believed her and I completely dropped the situation altogether. An hour or so later I exited & entered the building multiple times to go smoke a cigarette. In the front desk area there were a group of kids hanging out and from the corner of my eye I could see him staring at me. I didn't look towards him, still believing what the girl recently told while keeping that in the back of my head at the same time. The following the day he walked by me and he said 'hi' to me and then my name. I replied greeting him and played casual. And then that pretty much begin to happen on a daily biases. And it seemed like with each 'hi' i received from him I could see the excitement in his face. Especially the on the one occasion where I actually said his name. Another situation occurred in the computer lab some days later. It was once again very late at night. I was in there alone. And I heard the door opened and someone walk in. It was him. He smiled at me and I smiled back then turned back facing the computer. He sat at the computer on the opposite side of the room as me so our backs were facing one another. He was listening to music as well as myself but my headphones were positioned as speakers and he had one headphone in his ear and the other was out. I randomly turned around and glanced at him and almost immediately he turned around and looked at me. Thinking of anything off the top of my head I asked for a pen. He searched his book bag to find one but he couldn't. Poliletly, he offered to go all the way upstairs and get me one. I told him that he didn't have to and that I could go one myself but thanked him. He was in there for about another half an hour then he got up to leave. Right before exiting out. He told me to have a goodnight and stared at me for an extended amount of seconds. I smiled casually and wished him the same. The following day I sat in my dorm speculating every action I've witnessed while remembering what his friend said to me about him being straight. I decide right there and then that I could no longer play the guessing game in my head and that I would just completely forget about him. I grabbed a cigarette and I exited my dorm. Randomly glancing down the hallway I saw him walk out the bathroom with his towel wrapped around his waste. Our eyes met but I immediately turned towards my door to lock it. (The bathroom is right next to his room. I should also add that his room is located directly across from the double doors that I need to exit through in order to leave the floor). He stood by his door. He wasn't conversing with anyone. He wasn't texting on his phone. He wasn't looking for his key to unlock his door. He just stood there. I had headphones on and trying as hard as possible to avoid eye contact as I walked down the hallway with my music blaring in my ears. Usually I just have to push the doors once for them to open. In that particular moment (which is beyond me) I had to push them about two or three times. And within that time frame I heard him call my name about two times, louder each call. I continued walking and instantly I felt like an asshole for it. And a bit childish. I ended up staying up all night because I couldn't stop thinking about the entire situation. The following morning I went out for a smoke and as I entered the building I ran into him. He looked at me as if were mad at me. I gave a casual smile and he just turned around & walked away, which only made me feel worse. Later on that day I was in the basement, sitting in the lounge. He walked in with the same girl who told me he was straight. As soon as he saw me he stopped his conversation and turned around to go upstairs. Later on that night I went to use the bathroom down the hall from my dorm and there he was just a couple of feet away from me as I went to wash my hands. I saw him glance at me from the corner a few times. And I glanced at him a few times as well. On our way out of the bathroom he smiled casaully and held the door open for me. I kind of didn't know how to take it so I just kept walking. The next day I sat in my dorm speculating once again. Everything at that point just became extremely confusing for me. I didn't want to avoid him any longer because it was only making me feel worse inside. Not better. I came to conclusion that I should apologize for being an asshole and be straight up about how I feel towards him and see what happens from there. I walked down the hall and knocked on his door, hoping he would answer it and not his roommate. To my relief he did. I instantly felt the pressure way in on me. I asked him if I could speak to him for a moment and he said 'sure' kind of with a worried look on his face. He stepped out and shut the door behind him. I apologized to him but he acted as if he didn't know what for. Even though I said clear as a day 'I wanted to apologize for the other night'. I didn't understand why he was acting as if he had no idea what I was talking about when he clearly showed that he felt a type of way by avoiding me the previous day, but I further explained. He pretty much cut me off midway and explained that he didn't take it personal. I was about to express him my feelings but I couldn't get myself to do it. My fear took over and held me back. So I simply wished him a good night. He wished me the same. And I walked away. I couldn't even smile casually. I was so damn nervous. Starting the next day things went back to the way they were with him greeting me with a huge smile on his face. About a week or so after that I just stopped acknowledging him again because my feelings were getting stronger but things between us stayed the same. He didn't make a move and neither did I. And right after that it seemed like everywhere I'd go I'd see him. We ran into each other about seven - eight times a day. But then two weeks passed by and I stopped running into him so much. It felt like centuries since I've seen him but of course I would think about him constantly. I forced myself to numb all my thoughts of him that way I can numb my feelings. And it sort of worked. But then just a couple days ago I went to use the bathroom and he was walking towards the sink. I mastered the art of avoiding all eye contact with him and I pretty much pretended that he wasn't there. Of course I saw him glance at from the corner of my eye twice. First when I came in. Second right before he walked out.
Presently:
The night before last I decided to write him a letter because I couldn't continue wondering anymore. Wondering was clearly getting me nowhere. I pretty much explained why I'm writing the letter, how I feel about him and why. I also included particular things that I pick up from him and I included circumstances and occurences to further help indentify what I mean. I made sure to choose my words carefully and to be honest at the same time. I asked questions about his actions. Lastly, I explained that this letter is no way, shape or form intended to disrespect or make him feel uncomfortable. After I finished writing the letter I slid it under his door around two o'clock yesterday morning and then I fell asleep, I woke up around eleven in the morning feeling incredibly nervous & anxious because I'm aware that he can react any sort of way and considered that multiple times before writing the letter to begin with. I saw him about an hour later and as I walking down the hall to go to the bathroom. Nothing happened. I assumed that he received the letter but didn't tell anyone which made me feel relieved because that was my biggest worry. An hour after that I ran into him into the hallway again. This time he stopped at his door. And looked at me. I glanced but couldn't look for long because I was too fearful to. He went into his room and I went to my Creative Writing class with paranoid thoughts pondering in my head the entire time. I began to feel worried that he may have told people. A part of me tried to stay positive. That didn't work for long. I ended staying in my dorm all day long not wanting to leave for any reason and layed in bed watching YouTube videos on my phone. Hours later I heard a lot of riff raff coming from the hallway, louder than usual. Soon after I heard his voice and several others. I had the urge to open the door and listen to what the hell they were talking about. I live in the middle of the hallway and they were at the very end of the hall so it was kind of hard to listen. I opened my door to hear better. Throughout the next ten minutes of listening to their conversation I heard things being said here & there that I felt could have been referred to the letter but at the same I wasn't completely sure. They were kind of talking all over the place. As I listened more the things they were saying started to sound more & more like they were defintely referring to the letter. I stepped out to walk down towards the bathroom just to see what would happen. The second I stepped out they ALL turned around looking dead at me. I played it off as if I didn't even notice. As I stepped into the bathroom one of the kids turned to him and said his name in a very mimicky, romantic way and he said nothing. He didn't even look up at me. As I walked back into my dorm I felt numb inside. Sadness mixed with humilaition. I stayed in there for the rest of the evening. I couldn't move for hours. My mindset was in the darkest mood possible. I have literally been up all night and cannot sleep.
More than anything. I'm pissed. I get it. I did this to myself. But I did it in the most respectful manner possible. I didn't gossip about him and his suspicious acts to people on campus. I've literally experienced and kept all of this in at the same time for NINE WEEKS. I was to the point where I was driving myself fucking insane because I couldn't come up with answers as to why he was doing this. What bothers me the most is that he's making it out to seem as if I'm taking shit out of thin air and just making it up. These are things that have happened. The glancing at me multiple times within one moment or staring at me for an intensive amount of time. Not once. Not twice. But through the entire semester. What pisses me off the most is that he had the audacity to tell a bunch of people so they can tell people. I wouldn't be surprised if the entire resident hall is finding out as we speak. And now people that don't even know me are gonna have whatever impression of me that him & whoever he told wants to put out there. And the only thing that makes sense to me as to why he would feel the need to run and tell a bunch of people is because he has deep insecurities that he hasn't dealt with and either something that was said within the letter or just the letter altogether struck that/or those insecuries and now he feels the need to blast me to other people almost as a way to convince them of something that deep inside he's just trying to convince himself. The fact that he wasn't even man enough to approach me strengthens those beliefs even more and it (to me) shows guilt. But what do I know? Why do believe he handled the situation the way he did? And how do you believe I should handle the situation from here on out?
![[-]](https://gayspeak.com/images/duende_v3_local/collapse.png)
Libra
![[Image: 05onfire1_xp-jumbo-v2.jpg?quality=90&auto=webp]](https://static01.nyt.com/images/2016/08/05/us/05onfire1_xp/05onfire1_xp-jumbo-v2.jpg?quality=90&auto=webp)
Capricorn
Sagittarius
Virgo
