04-08-2014, 12:06 PM
Okay so here’s the situation.
I have this teacher; his name is…We will call him Joel. He is funny and kind of good looking I suppose and he cares about me and makes me smile and helps me with anything and everything. In the classroom I always catch him looking at me when he is talking to other students or when he is teaching up the front he always seems to direct his focus at me.
I do not know how I feel about this because I really want to hook up with him, which I know would be wrong because of so many different things, such as:
a) He has a girlfriend
b) They have a 10 month old child
c) He is my teacher
d) I am a lesbian
e) I do not think I am attracted to him, but could be – it is very confusing
f) My friends already joke that I am sleeping with him because we spend so much time out of class together
It would be exciting and fun and I think that I might maybe actually have feelings for him. I do not know if he can pick this up or not…I think he thought I was in love with him right up until I told him I was gay. He was really taken aback to learn this and I think it might be because he could feel whatever it is that is going on between us. There is definitely something there; I do not think I am making it up in my head. There is chemistry; I just do not know how far he is willing to take it.
I had Parent/Teacher interviews tonight and even when he was with other students and their parents he would glance over at me and smirk with this little smirk that I have to admit really turns me on. At one point, I was sitting at the table next to his and he kept looking at me and I could feel it and I would look up and catch him, causing that stupid goddamn smirk again.
When Joel and I are alone is when the feelings are the strongest, there is something about him that I have never come across in a man before. I have NEVER had any type of romantic feelings towards a man before, ever. Straight people have gay crushes all the time, is it okay for me to have a straight crush? I wish I knew the answer to this, I mean when it is just me and him it feels right but I still cannot figure out what it is that I feel for him. Do I like him? Do I only want to have sex with him? Do I want to take the risk and put myself out there? I am really, really scared of falling in love again after the last time. That was the worst thing I have ever subjected myself to and I have done some pretty bad stuff, but none of it compares to falling in love.
I told Joel that I was afraid to fall in love and he looked at me, did his stupid little smirk, widened it to a smile and said “You willâ€Â. What was that supposed to mean? Men are confusing; this is why I do not date men. No not really, I wish I was not born attracted to females…It would make things a little bit easier, but I was dealt what I was dealt. No point dwelling on the ‘what ifs’.
I think I like him and this scares me a lot because I have struggled to come to terms with the fact that I am a lesbian and it has been really hard with my family and the people around me trying to tell me that I am bisexual. I know that I am not bisexual, I know that I am a lesbian but what I do not know is how this man can affect me the way he does. I have hooked up with guys before and after my coming out and I still identify as a lesbian, but I have never had any type of feelings for any of these men and the fact that I may have some feelings for Joel scares the shit out of me. It is really scary; everything I thought I knew about myself has been thrown out of the window because of him. I have lived the past three years telling people that I am definitely a lesbian and that sex and emotions are two different things. A man can make me feel just as good as a woman can sexually, and it is easier to find a horny male than a horny lesbian in my area.
Is there anyone who can help and/or talk me through this? Anyone who has been through this sort of thing before?
I have this teacher; his name is…We will call him Joel. He is funny and kind of good looking I suppose and he cares about me and makes me smile and helps me with anything and everything. In the classroom I always catch him looking at me when he is talking to other students or when he is teaching up the front he always seems to direct his focus at me.
I do not know how I feel about this because I really want to hook up with him, which I know would be wrong because of so many different things, such as:
a) He has a girlfriend
b) They have a 10 month old child
c) He is my teacher
d) I am a lesbian
e) I do not think I am attracted to him, but could be – it is very confusing
f) My friends already joke that I am sleeping with him because we spend so much time out of class together
It would be exciting and fun and I think that I might maybe actually have feelings for him. I do not know if he can pick this up or not…I think he thought I was in love with him right up until I told him I was gay. He was really taken aback to learn this and I think it might be because he could feel whatever it is that is going on between us. There is definitely something there; I do not think I am making it up in my head. There is chemistry; I just do not know how far he is willing to take it.
I had Parent/Teacher interviews tonight and even when he was with other students and their parents he would glance over at me and smirk with this little smirk that I have to admit really turns me on. At one point, I was sitting at the table next to his and he kept looking at me and I could feel it and I would look up and catch him, causing that stupid goddamn smirk again.
When Joel and I are alone is when the feelings are the strongest, there is something about him that I have never come across in a man before. I have NEVER had any type of romantic feelings towards a man before, ever. Straight people have gay crushes all the time, is it okay for me to have a straight crush? I wish I knew the answer to this, I mean when it is just me and him it feels right but I still cannot figure out what it is that I feel for him. Do I like him? Do I only want to have sex with him? Do I want to take the risk and put myself out there? I am really, really scared of falling in love again after the last time. That was the worst thing I have ever subjected myself to and I have done some pretty bad stuff, but none of it compares to falling in love.
I told Joel that I was afraid to fall in love and he looked at me, did his stupid little smirk, widened it to a smile and said “You willâ€Â. What was that supposed to mean? Men are confusing; this is why I do not date men. No not really, I wish I was not born attracted to females…It would make things a little bit easier, but I was dealt what I was dealt. No point dwelling on the ‘what ifs’.
I think I like him and this scares me a lot because I have struggled to come to terms with the fact that I am a lesbian and it has been really hard with my family and the people around me trying to tell me that I am bisexual. I know that I am not bisexual, I know that I am a lesbian but what I do not know is how this man can affect me the way he does. I have hooked up with guys before and after my coming out and I still identify as a lesbian, but I have never had any type of feelings for any of these men and the fact that I may have some feelings for Joel scares the shit out of me. It is really scary; everything I thought I knew about myself has been thrown out of the window because of him. I have lived the past three years telling people that I am definitely a lesbian and that sex and emotions are two different things. A man can make me feel just as good as a woman can sexually, and it is easier to find a horny male than a horny lesbian in my area.
Is there anyone who can help and/or talk me through this? Anyone who has been through this sort of thing before?