Lesbian possibly crushing on a man

[justmylyf]

Okay so here’s the situation.

I have this teacher; his name is…We will call him Joel. He is funny and kind of good looking I suppose and he cares about me and makes me smile and helps me with anything and everything. In the classroom I always catch him looking at me when he is talking to other students or when he is teaching up the front he always seems to direct his focus at me.

I do not know how I feel about this because I really want to hook up with him, which I know would be wrong because of so many different things, such as:
a) He has a girlfriend
b) They have a 10 month old child
c) He is my teacher
d) I am a lesbian
e) I do not think I am attracted to him, but could be – it is very confusing
f) My friends already joke that I am sleeping with him because we spend so much time out of class together

It would be exciting and fun and I think that I might maybe actually have feelings for him. I do not know if he can pick this up or not…I think he thought I was in love with him right up until I told him I was gay. He was really taken aback to learn this and I think it might be because he could feel whatever it is that is going on between us. There is definitely something there; I do not think I am making it up in my head. There is chemistry; I just do not know how far he is willing to take it.

I had Parent/Teacher interviews tonight and even when he was with other students and their parents he would glance over at me and smirk with this little smirk that I have to admit really turns me on. At one point, I was sitting at the table next to his and he kept looking at me and I could feel it and I would look up and catch him, causing that stupid goddamn smirk again.

When Joel and I are alone is when the feelings are the strongest, there is something about him that I have never come across in a man before. I have NEVER had any type of romantic feelings towards a man before, ever. Straight people have gay crushes all the time, is it okay for me to have a straight crush? I wish I knew the answer to this, I mean when it is just me and him it feels right but I still cannot figure out what it is that I feel for him. Do I like him? Do I only want to have sex with him? Do I want to take the risk and put myself out there? I am really, really scared of falling in love again after the last time. That was the worst thing I have ever subjected myself to and I have done some pretty bad stuff, but none of it compares to falling in love.

I told Joel that I was afraid to fall in love and he looked at me, did his stupid little smirk, widened it to a smile and said “You will”. What was that supposed to mean? Men are confusing; this is why I do not date men. No not really, I wish I was not born attracted to females…It would make things a little bit easier, but I was dealt what I was dealt. No point dwelling on the ‘what ifs’.

I think I like him and this scares me a lot because I have struggled to come to terms with the fact that I am a lesbian and it has been really hard with my family and the people around me trying to tell me that I am bisexual. I know that I am not bisexual, I know that I am a lesbian but what I do not know is how this man can affect me the way he does. I have hooked up with guys before and after my coming out and I still identify as a lesbian, but I have never had any type of feelings for any of these men and the fact that I may have some feelings for Joel scares the shit out of me. It is really scary; everything I thought I knew about myself has been thrown out of the window because of him. I have lived the past three years telling people that I am definitely a lesbian and that sex and emotions are two different things. A man can make me feel just as good as a woman can sexually, and it is easier to find a horny male than a horny lesbian in my area.

Is there anyone who can help and/or talk me through this? Anyone who has been through this sort of thing before?

[loserguy]

We all like people who are nice to us, smile at us and reassure us. But if we over-analyse it we can create something that does not exist.
I do not believe he has any ulterior motives whatsoever here. He is just a nice guy, full stop.
And think about it....
Why would he risk losing his job, marriage and child for you or anyone?
No, he is just being nice. Recognize and embrace it because you do not get many of those people.

[chillythoughts]

I agree with the above poster (dont agree with his name though lol). but lets be brutally honest here. at the age you are, your judgement is not really the greatest on these type of things. learn to grow and youll get a better understanding and grasp on things.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Lesbian/Gay and straight are two extremes which I think less than 10% of the population actually falls in - the rest are degrees of bisexuality.

Myself - I consider myself 100% homosexual male - however there is Meryl Streep and two other women who I would go straight for. Meryle is way the hell out of my league... the other two were lesbians who no doubt would have laughed had I suggested things like marriage, picket fences, 2.3 kids... etc.

Its personalities, not bodies that I found myself attracted to... The right combination of personality stuff can make anyone attractive to the right person.

There is a natural tendency for people to have a 'crush' on a teacher...Teachers come off being so smart and they have taken the job of mentoring us - that mentor-ship creates a special bond between student and teacher which yes the lines between 'lover' and 'mentor' can cross over and blur a lot.

So there are a lot of factors here at play which makes this all perfectly normal and shouldn't actually cause you to give up on being a lesbian and seek the attention of boys. Especially boys your age since I seriously doubt they are as mature and all of that as your teacher.

[Woollyhats]

Maybe you aren't 'completely' lesbian.

For example, a 5 on this scale:



Women are often shown to be more fluid in sexuality than men, so I wouldn't be surprised if most lesbians found a few men they liked. The thing is though, is that the other 99% of the time you still prefer women. So lesbian fits.

Remember that you get to make decisions about your body and what you do with it, so don't be afraid of it. If you like the occasional or rare man, but still consider yourself lesbian, than that's most likely what you are.

[driftwood]

I know that I am not bisexual, I know that I am a lesbian...
I have hooked up with guys before...
everything I thought I knew about myself has been thrown out of the window...
A man can make me feel just as good as a woman can sexually...

You're clearly confused, and you're most likely bisexual, but you're far too young to be so concerned about defining and labeling yourself. All labels do is limit you. There's only so much you can learn about yourself in 16 years. All will eventually become clear to you. There's no hurry. In the meantime date whoever you want to, whether male or female. But stay away from teachers unless you want big trouble.

[Pix]

Sexuality tends to be more fluid in the teens. And even lesbians around 30 have been known to suddenly fall hard for a guy, though this shouldn't be mistaken for "the right man." The only one I've personally known fell hard for a guy who treated her like dirt, used her and lost her, and she never crushed on a guy again.

If you have fallen for this guy then it's pointless for me to tell you this, though I hope it can at least brace you for it at some level: if he's willing to betray his girlfriend and/or child, and presumably the trust and standards the school and community place in him, to have an affair with you then you'd be no more than a game to him at most, a play thing he plans to lose you the moment it might cost him and/or until the next pretty girl comes along. And even deciding something should "only be a brief fling" has a way of not working out the way those involved want it to.

[Evan88]

I also have some occasional crushes on women just like Bowyn, and I am 100% gay for sure. Mostly it is because of their unassuming beauty. Aside from unassuming beauty, i can be really attracted to intelligence and bubbly personality.. But when I do get a crush on the opposite sex, it is not something that makes me want to have a relationship with her, NO. It's just a pure admiration...

For you though, using the 5 Stages of Psychosocial Development (by Erik Erikson), your age falls in the Identity vs. Role Confusion. Based on that theory, as you seek to establish a sense of self, you may experiment with different roles, activities and behaviors. I think it's just a normal phase in one's life. I also experienced such when I was a teen, like I feel I should court a girl and see if I would like a relationship with them (you know those fighting your gayness thingy).

There would be a turning point in our lives that would shape us as an individual, for sure you will experience it in time and you will know yourself a lot better.. You will know you really are, and what you really want.

All the best