I 've come to the realization that I will never be respected as a lesbian

[Melody]

I worry sometimes that being femme lesbian could make me a taret for some homophobic straight guys to either attack or rape me , I've had this fear lately and I'm thinking of walking with things in my purse like pepper spray and a tazer . I just think it's hard for men and as well as women but this is mostly about the men to believe that a woman can be feminine and a lesbian , comments like all lesbians need a good dicking to turn them straight or you hadn't have the right men yet or keep trying to have sex with men as affected me a lot I wish I wasn't so sensative too this but I can't help it . I'm only out as lesbian to my friends who are mostly women , I do have a guy friend at work but he's very homophobic and doesn't know I'm lesbian . Lately as I have gotten older I've gotten a lot of attention from men to the point where it almost happaens every day , their was this older guy that would stantly stalk me when I came to the train lobby and try to chat me up and when I told him I'm not interested he'll say things like well I have hope and i can make you like me (he doesn't know I'm a lesbian ) I also had to deal with two male coworkers that group me and one of them even tried to touch my breasts but always pretends that he was aiming for my tummy and makes fun of me for getting upset . I had a talk with him and told him I don't like it so he stopped . the other one always ask for hugs and even got upset at me for not blushing and acting happy about a compliment on my looks and even grabbed my arm and pulled it really hard and yelled at me and said it's not a game he's playing . ever since that incident I always avoid him , I will still say hello to him but that's it .
I'm scared that if I'm fully out and I date a girl and people see with my girlfriend that when i'm alone I might get attacked . I always panic about it , Because it seems like some straight men have a hard time accepting that a woman is not attracted to them and if she's lesbian they take it as a challenge and don't back down when you say your not interested and only like women . I also read comments like this online too (mostly by accident ) I also hear my father say there is not such thing as a lesbian and lesbians aren't real and you can turn them if your a man and you sleep with them . My mother isn't any different she also one time joked about a lesbian being raped as a cure to turn her straight , she makes fun of how lesbians have sex and even says the same thing my dad says how we just need to have sex with a man to be fixed .
Now I'm thinking my sexual orientation will never be respected by some people , also based on how I look I will never be taken seriously as a lesbian , I'll have to get use to the fact that some straight men want to convert me and will not take the word No for an answer and people will think the sex I have is not real sex. also people would think because lesbians use dildos or strap ons that we secretly want men and are playing hard to get . I even came out to one of my female friends and she asked me if I ever slept with a man and I said I tried to once but didn't like she then said I didn't try hard enough and I'll find the right man some day to make me straight and that I'm just confused .
How did other lesbians get use to such ignorance and how did some of them deal with harassment some straight men do to lesbians . I just feel so scared you know , I know I shouldn't be but I'm so scared . I don't know what do do sometimes . How do I even get use to this ?

[jogu656]

I'm sorry to read that you are going through things like this, I think its a very reasonable fear, shoot I have a fear of being gay bashed everyday, but we mustn't let it keep us from living, just more aware of our surroundings, I think fem lesbians are common I have met more fem lesbians than I have butch, mainly because as a gay I have more in common with the feminine ones, I say fight for who you are and don't back down if people don't understand you well they aren't trying hard enough and aren't worth being around, but in the end only your partner and what she thinks of you will matter, just keep yourself safe, meaning never go places alone specially when you know your looks cause soo much desire, safety first whenever you can and screw everybody else as long as you are happy with yourself and who you are, the family part well that's always hard but do what I do pass your partner as a best friend haha and they will never think about it twice, the feelings about comments those are hard, I choose to ignore ignorance only because reasoning with a wall never leads to anything but frustration, its hard being different but it can also be fun and rewarding just focus on the good and brush off all the negative.

[hank]

Straight men are attracted to good looking women. You can't help that. Perhaps that it's why sdo many lesbians are "butch" it sends a message a very clear message. You shouldn't change who youare though. Being a "lipstick lesbian" as it were means nobody can tellyou are gay. I have the same problem I have had awoman tell me that she could hump me straight. This lady was a "couger" type. I was 29 at the time.

Though the dynamic may be different between alesbian and a man, you don't have to entertain them.

I think all ladies should carry a stun gun, what a great weapon. You cantouch itanywhere on their body and it works. If you have to use it you don't killanybody. And if you want the person to stay there until police arrive just threaten to stun them again they will stay put I promise. It's not a fire arm so youcan take it anywhere without a license. Easy to conceal and cheap.

I would be hard pressed to spray pepper spray. First it doesn't work as fast second that crap lingers for a long time. Third you might get it on you. It sucks (in the worst possible way). I have been stunned and I have been sprayed. Stunning hurts more but the pain is over quickly and youare left drained of energy. Pepperspray burned for days.

Get a stun gun. Don't run around stunning everybody with it but hold it inn your hand while inthe train terminal. It just looks like a cell phone or an iPod. I guarantee that when you're holding that thing some creeper comes along you aren't going to be scared him and that's normally enough to run them off

[Mark]

Its quite hard to reply to something like this purely because what seems to be evident on this website is that the attitude towards homosexual people in America seems completely different to the UK. Yes we get some people that tend to be like 'I can turn you' but the stuff in work and that..That would not happen here or if it did then major crap would be unleashed!

Its sad to hear you feel this way and the most important thing is to keep safe! I don't know how you get past this but you can't let the fear eat away at you. Its good you recognise it but at the same time don't let it control your life. I think over time the comments get easier to hear, doesn't make it better but it does become just white noise.

[partis]

They sound like really horrible people, like marky said, they wouldnt get away with it in the workplace in the uk and somebody would stick up for you, i also agree from my observations the UK is not as homophobic as the US.

Your post made me sad, the worst things we fear in life rarely happen, if it would make you feel safer with pepper spray then get some but dont let this stop you from finding a relationship, think instead that two is stronger than one, this is something you should be telling them about

Ive never heard someone be homophobic about lesbians either and as a rule guys dont hurt woman right, even if your a lesbian but guys dont NOT hurt gay guys cause there effeminite, they could be beautiful but just being a guy makes you "fair game" - generally regardless of sexuality men still treat woman with the same respect even if they are masculine.

Most violence against woman is commited in domestic relationships!

If you feel afraid do not put yourself in vulnerable places and nothing can happen but dont let the fear rule you.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

I side with Hank. Stun gun is safer all around. More effective, etc.

I think there is a certain degree where lesbians get it rougher than gay guys, because women are more readily victimized.

I would also suggest self defense training - hand to hand sort, how to escape holds, etc.

[Pix]

Sad to say this happens to a lot of women, especially in their 20s and younger, whatever your orientation. I've gotten used to this a long time ago. I change my look and all that changes are which guys come onto me. I even tried a fake wedding ring and telling guys I was married but that also attracted a type of men (one who I was scared was going to get violent when I kept walking away from him as he yelled all sorts of insults at me).

Women can be remarkably unsympathetic, especially if they're related to the offensive guy (heck, wives helping husbands abduct, rape, and even kill other females including little sisters and little girls isn't unknown, and they'll force their own children to meet his sexual needs as well, and that's not counting those just doing it for the drugs or money). I've had to deal with 2 sisters. I defended myself from a rape (who I think mistook my Grateful Dead shirt I'd borrowed for a "free rape" pass for a "respectable" guy like himself) only to be attacked by his sister who then threatened to come after me with a gun (so that I left town). Another guy (described here) sexually harassed me despite my being fully covered and dressed for work only to have him storm out when I politely told him that was enough and then his sister kicked me out.

Last January I was walking home from the store wearing an oversize tie-dyed shirt, cargo pants (with pockets filled), hair pulled back, and a backpack when 2 men passed me. One said to me as he passed (with no comment from the guy with him) was, "You just scream 'rape me.'"

And the reason why I share what I was wearing? Because women tend to ask...men almost never do. Though men are the most likely to harass and even prey on women they're also much more likely than women to be sympathetic over it and blame the guy instead of you. Frankly, I think the only reason I wasn't raped when I was 14 (and enduring terrible slut rumors) was because my older male cousin made it clear that any who did (and he would believe me no matter what) would get a visit from him and his friends that would be so bad that they'd commit suicide over it, and he didn't care how right with God or forgiven the rapist thought he was or what the town thought of it.

When I was waiting with my kids (biologically they're my partners kids) for a ride and eating a very rare candy bar (and from a health food store so not that sweet) and holding a pizza I caught several women glaring hatefully at me. The men mostly ignored me though my daughter with me, about to become a high school freshman, tends to draw male gazes instead when she's with me (which makes me worried for her, and she's straight but more than one male has ranted on her for being a "stuck up bitch" which worries me even more but I'm not about to tell her to cater to infantile males, she SHOULD have the self-respect some males would deny her). I asked the girl if she knew why that was and she said it was because I was in top physical shape with no fat on me and yet here I was with kids (not that I gave birth to them myself), holding a pizza, and eating a candy bar. (I laughed and said maybe I needed to go back to school for a refresher on how the world works.)

I've had women confront me fearing I was competition, even if I wasn't interested. (I even ran from a laughing high school boy when I was 13 after he frightened me with severe sexual harassment, only to have his high school girlfriend and her friends then chase me down and beat the crap out of me and tormenting me for weeks after over it, because it must've been all my fault, or maybe she didn't care, only that her boyfriend wanted me right then instead of her, though maybe he was just being sadistic than horny.) I told one I was a lesbian hoping that would calm her down but she then took to telling guys I'd told her I was interested in him. (I just left because I was packing a weapon I didn't want the cops to find on me, a weapon to protect myself from men, but had I not been I'd have beaten the crap out of that bitch.)

Just all in all, it's not that you're not respected for being a lesbian. You're just not respected at all because you're a woman. And your ultimate purpose is, in the eyes of society, to ultimately be the receptacle of a penis, and this is unquestioned by many men and women both. And if you were straight you'd still need to fear sexual violence.

But yeah, I've heard all the crap as a lesbian about how I need the right man, and worse, that some men think their penis is magic that can change my orientation, on top of that. (Gods, I better not ever hear a woman even joke about "corrective rapes.")

[Pix]

As for dealing with it I've taken years of self-defense training and I've availed myself of other options. I actually worry more for my girl than myself at this point. Personally, I suggest Krav Maga, that's best for what you might need if attacked (other martial arts can be effective but it takes a lot longer and they're also usually geared to winning tournaments with rules rather than street fights and also tend to overlook prevention and awareness in the first place) and some self-defense courses are geared right at women (I did go to one absurd one ran by radical feminists trying to make us terrified of all men but I just laughed it off--even got others to laugh at a snarky response I made--but it was still some good info on how to handle attackers, even if you were on crutches, and it was even held for free). Here's a place to start for options (see especially "tools and techniques"):

http://www.aware.org/

Btw, it's true what was said about pepper spray above, many hardened criminals are resistant to it, it can easily backfire if used in a car or in windy conditions, etc.

But thing is I prepared myself as best I can and I moved on.

[Melody]

As for dealing with it I've taken years of self-defense training and I've availed myself of other options. I actually worry more for my girl than myself at this point. Personally, I suggest Krav Maga, that's best for what you might need if attacked (other martial arts can be effective but it takes a lot longer and they're also usually geared to winning tournaments with rules rather than street fights and also tend to overlook prevention and awareness in the first place) and some self-defense courses are geared right at women (I did go to one absurd one ran by radical feminists trying to make us terrified of all men but I just laughed it off--even got others to laugh at a snarky response I made--but it was still some good info on how to handle attackers, even if you were on crutches, and it was even held for free). Here's a place to start for options (see especially "tools and techniques"):



Btw, it's true what was said about pepper spray above, many hardened criminals are resistant to it, it can easily backfire if used in a car or in windy conditions, etc.

But thing is I prepared myself as best I can and I moved on.

I wish I could be like you

[Melody]

I don't think my sexuality will be taken seriously and that really bothers me , I don't think I can ever come as a lesbian I can come out to close friends and maybe family but I think I'll just past myself off as a straight woman that has a boyfriend