Confused and need a bit of clarification/guidance

[InNeedOfAdvice]

I don't even know where to start so I suppose I'll start at the beginning. I'm male, 26 years of age and I was sexually abused as a child around the age of 6 and it lasted from what I can remember for about 1 1/2 - 2 years. The person who molested me was a family friend about the age of 15 or so at the time. This hasn't been a repressed memory for me because I vividly remember it but it has been something I didn't deal with or discuss. Now, events in my life have transpired over the past year and it's forced me to come to terms with a lot of things in my life and begin living honestly, at least with myself and this is one of those things that I need to be honest about. I've sought therapy for this over a year ago but I was very much a dishonest person then and in denial about a ton of things and not just my sexuality. Other than the revelation that I need to be honest with myself, therapy didn't amount to much. I lied to my therapist when asked if I find men attractive but the truth is yes, I do find men attractive but I find women attractive as well and I don't know where that puts me. My first sexual encounter was with a man and although it was incredibly heinous and wrong I don't remember it as that. I find all types of women attractive where as for men it's incredibly specific. As I aged, I can remember three different instances where I was sexually intimate with boys my age, nothing extreme, it was just kissing but it was there and a part of my history. This all took place before the age of 16 and by the time I began high school and started becoming more social, I became aware of the hate that was out there for being homosexual and I completely forgot about all this and never pursued it again. Not to mention the religion my family so devoutly follows would have had me disowned within a heartbeat. But now when I'm going through this process of becoming familiar with myself I can't deny this part of me. That is the shortest version of my story. I'm not concerned with labels and I don't care what this "makes" me, I suppose I just wanted to share my story and see if anyone else has been in the same position and what advice they could offer.

[Tyrion]

I'm sorry to hear about the tough times you've had in your life and as a child. I myself wasn't sexually abused, but I did come from a very physically and emotionally abusive home. I know how it can definitely effect you both growing up and later in life. I'm not sure that I have a lot of advice to give, however I would suggest going back to therapy and this time being honest. Some things may be embarrassing to talk with a therapist, but believe me, they've heard everything. I'd say give it another chance and be truthful. It may help you.

[Wolfpack]

Hi and welcome to gs

Very sorry to hear about your difficult past.I myself have recently seen a therapist partly to do with difficult childhood memories but nothing as bad as yours, as mine was about childhood illness.So I know how hard it can be to open up to a therapist.
But like Tyrion as stated this could be the best course of action for you , you need to be honest so they can help you.

Hard as it maybe the best thing is to accept who really are , even if others cannot ,after all it is your life and you have the right to be the person who you truly are.

I am sure you find lots of advice and help on this site ,lots of great people on here.

[ChadCoxRox]

therapy is a tool for healing and recovery that is best applied all along the way...

you are at a different stage in the process and having reliable guidance can be critical...

healthy expression is something one does, not something that simply happens...

you are in the right forum to connect and get support while making your journey...

[chillythoughts]

hello inneedofadvice. I actually understand where your coming from (I dont like talking about this with ANYONE) cause I was molested by my brother. its not fun and can cause to self destruct and honestly, Im still not over it. its gonna be with you for the rest of your life but theres one thing you gotta remember though. IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT.

I had my therapist ask me recently if I was gay and I was honest with her and now shes trying to help with things. therapists are there to help although there are therapists out there who do judge and just wanna put you into extra therapy to try and change you cause they think its wrong. which I may state, those therapists should have their licenses revoked.

just be yourself and dont hate yourself like I have which could be the reason why Im a slut and have absolutely no self respect for myself one bit.

I know it can be difficult but please understand that.

[davearoo]

One other thing that's worth emphasizing: don't put pressure on yourself to call yourself straight or gay. I realize that most people love to put orientation into neat little boxes with labels like those. But in reality, human sexuality is a long continuum between the two, and almost everyone falls somewhere along it. There's really no need to worry about where exactly you are. Apparently you don't, and that's awesome.

As for therapy, I agree that it's an ongoing process. If you don't trust your therapist, find a different one. Obviously, though, you still have to trust yourself and be honest with both yourself and your therapist for the process to help.

[EvenOlderButWiser]

First off to the forum. We have members of all ages, colours and sexuality. And, unfortunately some of them have been though what you described as having happened to you.

Your in the right place to get advice, and no one will make any judgements on you here.

I can only begin to imagine how incredibly difficult it would be for you to even write your introduction to the forum. Its important that you come to terms which who you are, and what that means in the bigger context.

From your post, it seems that your ready to take the first steps on that journey. Use the forum, and any advice you feel helps, to give you a hand along the way. Thats what we are here for.

ObW
X

[InNeedOfAdvice]

Thank you to everyone for taking the time to read and respond, it really means a lot. To Ivorybenz, for what its worth, don't be so hard on yourself. We are who we are and there is nothing wrong with that. At the end of the day we're all trying to find our piece of happiness. Thanks again to everyone for responding.

[InNeedOfAdvice]

One other thing that's worth emphasizing: don't put pressure on yourself to call yourself straight or gay. I realize that most people love to put orientation into neat little boxes with labels like those. But in reality, human sexuality is a long continuum between the two, and almost everyone falls somewhere along it. There's really no need to worry about where exactly you are. Apparently you don't, and that's awesome.

As for therapy, I agree that it's an ongoing process. If you don't trust your therapist, find a different one. Obviously, though, you still have to trust yourself and be honest with both yourself and your therapist for the process to help.

I couldn't agree more with that first statement and its not so much that I don't trust my therapist its just that spending hours and paying a ton of money to have my thoughts repeated back to me began to seem a little pointless. The therapy served its purpose in helping me make peace with myself and I'm very grateful for it. The continuation of the process that started with me realizing I needed self-evaluation in order to become comfortable with myself is an ongoing process and I believe I'm better suited today to handle it. I just felt the need to reach out and see what came back. So far, its been kind strangers such as yourself and it makes me glad to have taken this step.