Torn apart and badly hurt.

[jontan]

Hi guys,

I met a guy from my university through an app. I'm new to the scene and was exploring and all.

The guy's nice and very sincere. We usually hang out for coffee and chill at bars etc. He even cooked a meal for me at his place. But we don't meet each other's friends and we sort of have separate lives. Yes, we even explored in terms of sex and stuff. It's been going on for perhaps half a year. He's out and I'm not and he told me that he told his friends this," I'm seeing someone but i can't tell you who he is".

Over Easter he invited me over to join his family in his hometown but i didn't due to my uni workload and was going through quite a fair bit. We texted regularly though.

After Easter everything went wrong. We had a talk and it ended everything. I know it's my fault for not "being out" and not spending easter with him. He said he likes me and all but it's very difficult and it just wouldn't work out for i wasn't "out" per se. (He's not forcing me to be out)

It was really painful. I found out via another "friend" he actually looked for a ONS with someone random and started chatting with a new guy whom he's interested. (I'm not jealous but i mean i would appreciate hearing it directly from him after "all" we've been through). I'm now torn and depressed and it's aint helping when exams are coming. I know it's momentary but i guess maybe i just fell into it too much.

Am I in the wrong? He asked if we could still remain as friends, i really want to, but it hurts, it really does.

[EvenOlderButWiser]

When a relationship ends, for whatever reason, one person in the relationship always feels hurt and that they have to shoulder the responsibility for the breakup by themselves. Unfortunately in this case that would appear to be you. The situation won't be helped in that there is the real possibility that you will see him around on campus, which will make getting over the relationship that little bit harder.

The only advice I can give you is this (others may proffer additional advice) time will heal the pain and your feelings will settle down. Try not to over analyse what happened and just accept that it wasn't meant to be and move on. You said yourself you have exams coming up, so its a good thing to focus on in the near term.

Staying friends, while a noble gesture, is not something I would advise straight away, as it makes the job of emotionally disengaging from him much much harder. Delete his number from your phone, as the temptation to text him in a drunken haze will be strong (been there done that!)

The other thing of course is that you found someone once, whats not to say you won't find someone new?

The old saying of there being plenty more fish in the sea is still very relevant today, although you may not be thinking that right now.



ObW
X

[jontan]

Thank you for your reply i really appreciate it.

It feels like i'm being played and i feel sad and stupid. I know i shouldn't think why it happened, and just take it as it happened. But i mean it's easier said than done.

To be honest, I really wish to see him, but It'll make me look really desperate and stupid. I'm worth more than that.

I'm trying my best to focus on my revisions but i just keep checking my phone (for stupid reasons).

I'm screwed big time.

When a relationship ends, for whatever reason, one person in the relationship always feels hurt and that they have to shoulder the responsibility for the breakup by themselves. Unfortunately in this case that would appear to be you. The situation won't be helped in that there is the real possibility that you will see him around on campus, which will make getting over the relationship that little bit harder.

The only advice I can give you is this (others may proffer additional advice) time will heal the pain and your feelings will settle down. Try not to over analyse what happened and just accept that it wasn't meant to be and move on. You said yourself you have exams coming up, so its a good thing to focus on in the near term.

Staying friends, while a noble gesture, is not something I would advise straight away, as it makes the job of emotionally disengaging from him much much harder. Delete his number from your phone, as the temptation to text him in a drunken haze will be strong (been there done that!)

The other thing of course is that you found someone once, whats not to say you won't find someone new?

The old saying of there being plenty more fish in the sea is still very relevant today, although you may not be thinking that right now.



ObW
X

[ddd]

If it hurts now, It's better for you to stay away from him for a while . The following steps may help:
1. Tell him you are busy with your upcoming exams.
2. Focus on your exams and try to not think about him at all. Avoid everything that may remind you of him (like photos, places where you have been with him, songs that you have been listening with him etc.) When you get bored of studying, take some time off and start doing something that will distract you from thinking of him.
3. When your exams are over, start looking for new bf who can regain the sparks in your life.
4. You can try to be friends with your ex, only when you are over him. Otherwise it will be painful for you to be around him.

[azulai]

It sounds like he was and still is looking for a bf. Inviting you home to meet his family sounds like it was a pretty big step for him, and his searching for a ONS sounds reactionary. I wouldn't beat yourself up too much as it sounds like he is trying to figure out dating and relationships while you are trying to figure out your curiosity.

Try to look at the positives and the progress you've made in your self-discovery from knowing him. Maybe don't burn a bridge (his friendship) because neither of you can be what the other wants at this moment? If he is a sincere guy, then he will make a sincere friend. Try to get rid of any jealousy and sincerely wish the best for him. You may rediscover each other at some other time. You may meet someone special through his friendship, who knows? I just think if you have someone offering you friendship, it's more peaceful (on your mind, in your gut) to accept it than to dwell on what could have been and negativity.

I would grab a coffee with him, end things on a positive note and a hug, and then focus on exams.

I don't get the sense that you are being played as much as he is searching for an out bf to date, bring home, and go out with his friends.

[jontan]

Thanks guys for the advises. I dont have anyone to speak to with regards to this and i really feel much better after reading and rationalising with the situation.

I really like him, and he really likes me too. It's sad like in the movies where two people who love each other so much just can't be together due to the circumstances. I know love is not about being together but being happy for each other.

Maybe i just green in the aspect of relationships, but i really like him being in my life. I'm sure he likes me too, if not he wouldnt have asked me over to his hometown.

I know, he's actively searching for perhaps a boyfriend that can make him feel whole and not one who's not out and hidden.

I really want to be with him. It's tormenting but i'll try some how.

The songs that i can relate too now is "Against All Odds (Take A Look At Me Now)"

the lyrics just makes me want to cry.

How can I just let you walk away, just let you leave without a trace
When I stand here taking every breath with you, ooh
You're the only one who really knew me at all

How can you just walk away from me,
when all I can do is watch you leave
Cos we've shared the laughter and the pain and even shared the tears
You're the only one who really knew me at all

So take a look at me now, oh there's just an empty space
And there's nothing left here to remind me,
just the memory of your face
Ooh take a look at me now, well there's just an empty space
And you coming back to me is against all odds and that's what I've got to face

I wish I could just make you turn around,
turn around and see me cry
There's so much I need to say to you,
so many reasons why
You're the only one who really knew me at all

So take a look at me now, well there's just an empty space
And there's nothing left here to remind me, just the memory of your face
Now take a look at me now, cos there's just an empty space

But to wait for you, is all I can do and that's what I've got to face
Take a good look at me now, cos I'll still be standing here
And you coming back to me is against all odds
It's the chance I've gotta take

Take a look at me now