Stay for security/financial reasons or leave for passion?

[michaelbmdot]

Hello. THis is m first time on a forum so here it goes!

I'm 45 and have been with my husband for 18 years. In 2001 he was diagnosed with CML (a type of Leukemia that is chronically managed). Since then our sex life disappeared. It was never that great to begin with. In the past 7 years we've had no sex at all. This was hard because I'm a horn dog and had to deny myself of any sex. We did cuddle often which filled that intimacy need but that eventually got old. I finally cheated on him. I felt guilty but let me tell you, the sex was amazing (I don't intend to be mean by saying that, just being truthful). My husband knows about my cheating.

We ended up separating for 8 months. During this time I realized that I was growing apart from my husband for many years. While we are wonderful to each other (get along great, love to do many of the same things together, don't fight…it's easy to live with him), I feel no passion or desire to be intimate with him at all. I have to admit, I don't find him attractive anymore at all. I think this started several year ago when the sex faded.

During my separation I also dated guys and fell in love. I didn't plan on that, but it happened. It was wonderful in all respects. It showed me what I was missing for all those years and I realize that If I had to do it all over again (get married to my husband again) I would not do it.

My husband was pushing and pushing for me to return home while we were separated and after 8 months, I gave in and returned. Now I'm sitting here realizing that I made a mistake to return, or returned too early at the very least.

I called it off with the guy I fell in love with while I was separated. This has been painful but we (my new love and I) want to respect my current marriage.

That said, here I am trying to decide to stay or get a divorce. It's like I need to decide between this:
1. Stay with my husband and have a predictably safe and secure life and settle for a passionless marriage.
2. Get a divorce and start a new life with someone I feel passionate about and build (hopefully) a new safe and secure life.

Stay for security/financial reasons or leave for passion?

[EvenOlderButWiser]

to the forum Michael.

What happened to "in sickness and in health"?

Your partner obviously knows he is ill, and understands that you have physical needs that can't be fulfilled because of his condition. Can't you have a heart to heart discussion that would allow you to meet your needs outside of the relationship. It seems to me that that may allow the situation to be somewhat addressed openly.

It's commendable that you want to respect your marriage, however if you don't address this situation openly with him it's going to become self destructive, as you resent the feeling of being trapped more and more.

What is the longer term prognosis of your husbands illness?

ObW
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[James]

looks like infidelity to me, for better or worse, for richer or poorer, sorry but I am not on your side

[michaelbmdot]

Hi Older but Wiser,

Thank you for the reply. My husbands prognosis is a relatively normal life. His cancer in itself has no relevancy on my situation. I mentioned it as it was the start of his sex drive going away. He now has some of his sex drive back, but I don't have any desire to partake because I don't "feel" a desire to and I'm not attracted to him. He is not open to me having sex outside the relationship. I proposed this and its out of the question. its either "all or nothing" with him.

[michaelbmdot]

Hi James - please don't get me wrong. i don't have a desire to leave him due to his illness (he will be fine and live a normal life with continued medication). I have a desire to leave him because I believe I fell out of love. I don't have a desire to be intimate with him anymore. I feel as tho he is more of a roommate than a husband because of no intimacy.

[Cuddly]

Sounds like you need a divorce.

[EvenOlderButWiser]

Hi Michael,

Taking the illness off the table as an issue, if you have simply fallen out of love with him, then the time is right to start planning for separation. After 18 years together, that's going to be a pretty complicated process, especially financially and socially.

As you had previously separated, the issue of longer term separation/divorce should not come as a complete surprise to him.

At the end of the day, you have given 18 years to the relationship so no one can accuse you of not trying to keep it together.

Good luck,
ObW
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[Mark]

End of the day you have to follow your heart or you will just regret it further down the line.