Trying to make more out of life.

[throughtheeyes]

Strong passion and mental illness are the substances of civilization's most beautiful and enduring treasures of all time.

Learning to understand, accept and become skilled at channeling such energy toward a productive objective is the very essence of being happy (not having happiness...being), while NOT doing it is the stuff of being sick. And sicker. And sicker.

We all do it. We all have the same capacity to be our own best champions and our own worst enemies.

EVERYONE needs mental health, some require more help than others to achieve the balance required to achieve. If you are not achieving and you spin wheels distracting yourself with both jaded and yet candid self judgement or introspection, then you need guidance. When this gets to the point you describe it takes doing just what you've done...exposing it to others, seeking support to work through it and finding ways to realize real change.

Reread what you wrote. Add to it. Get the lamenting and regretting and discouraging done as much as you possibly can to remove these barriers to real, real action in the right direction. NEVER be afraid to ask for more feedback. The more study and the more specific, the greater the gain! The key however is b.a.l.a.n.c.e.

If you plot a course for yourself for daily, weekly, monthly, yearly, five years and ten years you can see where you are going. Be deliberate. And never be afraid to seek professional help because it will be very much worth the effort and expense if you don't make progress otherwise. You deserve all the best you can give yourself. Put that passion to work for you...it clearly is effective when allowed to work against you.

blab blab blab....it just never ends... sorry. I just see us all in you friend.

You hit a lot of things on point. I am definitely my worst enemy and I just can't seem to get out of my own way.

I understand what you meant about being happy and not just having happiness, but what I dont understand is how to be happy I guess. I know that might sound odd, but I havent been happy for so long I dont know how to just be happy. Are you talking about just staying positive and changing my outlook so eventually that will be second nature to me?

You speak of using passion to work for me. Honestly, I think I can say that I have never actually been passionate about anything. I have tried many new things and I have never experienced passion for any of them. I was once told to just keep trying new things until I find what I am passionate for, but I am starting to think I will never find it.

[ChadCoxRox]

You hit a lot of things on point. I am definitely my worst enemy and I just can't seem to get out of my own way.

I dont know how to just be happy. Are you talking about just staying positive and changing my outlook so eventually that will be second nature to me?

No I am not talking about "just staying" anything, but I am talking about "changing my outlook...eventually."

Happy is like love...multifaceted and mysterious. It is not something you "just be" though some have some happiness "just being." It is more importantly and best seen as a process of "doing". It is about productivity (whether passive, assertive or aggressive). There are so many angles. Abraham Lincoln said, "Most people are about as happy as they make up their minds to be." That quote sounds simplistic but the "making up of a man's mind" is complex and about doing.

For me, Erich Fromm said it best. He said, "Happiness is a man’s greatest achievement; it is the response of his total personality to a productive orientation toward himself and the world outside." I've spent MANY hours, both paid and unpaid, dissecting this quote and it's premise. I have hundreds, likely thousands of hours of experience discussing and applying it to hundreds and hundreds of different people. It helps. Study it. Discuss it. Things will ASSUREDLY change for you as a result.

You speak of using passion to work for me. Honestly, I think I can say that I have never actually been passionate about anything. I have tried many new things and I have never experienced passion for any of them. I was once told to just keep trying new things until I find what I am passionate for, but I am starting to think I will never find it.

Your OP is so full and breaming with passion it is palpable. You do not know yourself well enough to see the obvious to those of us who have been there and now live the complete opposite. HAVE HOPE friend. If your world is isolated enough you can't get away from yourself enough to see your passion, then all I can advise is what the Little River Band sang years ago...have yourself a "Cool Change" (google the song).

All said, you are safe and valued here no matter what. Stay, hang out, engage as little or as much as you like. I hope you, like myself, will never have any cause to regret it!

[ChadCoxRox]

Here's another beauty...

Happiness is as a butterfly, which, when pursued, is always beyond our grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, my alight upon you. ~Nathaniel Hawthorne

[Bowyn Aerrow]

I thank everyone for their responses and sorry I wasn't very specific in my original post.

Honestly, it is a little bit of everything.

Work drives me insane because it is the same thing every day. (yada yada yada)

Physically I can't stand myself. I am overweight and over the last several years... etcetera etcetera etcetera....

My relationship is the only thing that is going pretty well. (truncated)

I have though about going to a therapist and have started looking into finding one. I have had counseling in the past due to a short stay in the hospital after a suicide attempt several years ago, but the counseling was really just a joke and waste of time.

1. Few people are satisfied with their job. And yeah its called work because you are constantly doing the same thing over and over again. It gets boring and in reality most people have a job that doesn't impact history - much.

Physical weight/body issues. Body type does play a role in what one can or cannot do with. However diet and exercise has been found to address most causes of obesity. Instead of starving yourself, try eating tons of fruit and veg, cut down the portion of starch/carbs and meats. Fill your belly with low calorie stuff so you feel full. People mistake quantity of good as calories. No, celery has so few calories and requires so many to extract calories from it its actually a negative calorie food. You still eat it and you still feel full which tricks your brain and body into stop making you eat more. You end up eating less calories thus burn off fat.

You have a BF - he cares. Great.

However it sounds like to me the real problem you have here is not a pissy, boring job, a fatty body, or a BF who wants to magically fix you - seems to me you have a history of depression and depression makes everything look like shit, feel like shit, taste like shit, sound like shit - shit shit shitty shit shit - That sums up depression.

Since you apparently are not presenting symptoms that are noticeable (feeling sad all the time) then you may have what I call a 'low grade depression'. Its the kind of lingering dis-ease that just modifies a person's outlook just enough to make everything look like shit, but not enough to lead to reaching for the razorblades while bathing, or crying, or laying in bed with your covers over your head telling your partner you are not depressed, you only need your space.

From what I have seen with others in a similar boat, a low dose antidepressant actually breaks that spell.

Understand I usually do not advocate taking antidepressants, however in some cases they actually do work and I think from what you have said you may be a prime candidate for a low dose antidepressant.

I would suggest you get therapist, work a few sessions to have them get a good peak under the hood before you run off to a psychiatrist. Most (not all) therapists have a psychiatrist that they team with and a recommendation for a low dose antidepressant is usually followed by the prescribing doctor.

Sadly, psychiatrists tend to throw way to many pills at a patient, thus having a therapists referral tends to lessen the risk of becoming a chemical zombie.

[ChadCoxRox]

seems to me you have a history of depression and depression makes everything look like shit, feel like shit, taste like shit, sound like shit - shit shit shitty shit shit - That sums up depression.

This is at least the most profound post I've seen on this forum to date.

From what I have seen with others in a similar boat, a low dose antidepressant actually breaks that spell.

And if the drugs work for such a mild but long term depression (dysthymia) then it's likely a sign their use will be most helpful in the SHORT TERM (no more than three years) while you put better, stronger coping skills in place while using the chemicals with a CLEAR goal of practicing and having some success with said skills in anticipation of deliberately stopping the meds.

Understand I usually do not advocate taking antidepressants, however in some cases they actually do work and I think from what you have said you may be a prime candidate for a low dose antidepressant.

And I agree completely on both counts.

I would suggest you get therapist, work a few sessions to have them get a good peak under the hood before you run off to a psychiatrist. Most (not all) therapists have a psychiatrist that they team with and a recommendation for a low dose antidepressant is usually followed by the prescribing doctor.

Sadly, psychiatrists tend to throw way to many pills at a patient, thus having a therapists referral tends to lessen the risk of becoming a chemical zombie.

Now adays...in America...primary care providers often have a licensed therapist in the practice. So if you have established primary care you could easily try a mood stabilizer from your regular doc and get a few sessions with the therapist "in house." If you don't have a regular doc, you can still find a practice that does have a therapist on the team and apply for a scholarship or charity program to get the help. Additionally, I often recommend looking for ecumenical or faith-based "programs" that provide counseling that is NOT religious nor necessarily "faith-based" in the least, but rather the counseling (still overseen by a psychiatrist) is much more affordable because the churches help pay the fees as a service to their community. An example is the Baptist Association often has "Christian Counseling" programs all over the country, but the actual therapy is not at all "Christian" unless you ask for that.

[EvenOlderButWiser]

depression makes everything look like shit, feel like shit, taste like shit, sound like shit - shit shit shitty shit shit - That sums up depression.

BA, your forum posting always make me smile, and this one, while on a serious subject, just about made me choke on my morning cornflakes!

You are a legend, and long may you continue.



ObW
X

[Wolfpack]

Ok so you do not need to change your career path right now, but you could look at changing this in the near future. Use the Internet and other resources to find opportunities they may be open to you.

Your weight problem is something only you can address, with such as diet and exercise.And remember you do not need to have muscles upon muscles, you do not need to be perfect , just try to boost your own sense of being.

You say people are judging you, but I think you are your own worst critic. Be kinder to yourself.

Try to take upon new past times and activities, try to find ideas to spark your imagination.

Write a list of all the good things you have in life, like your partner and the things that you would like to achieve in life. Then when you feel down look at this list, to pull your mood up.

Try to be less over critical about yourself, think of all the good points you have. If you think and tell yourself negative things all the time, you will continue to feel nothing but bad about yourself. Remember life is not always easy it can be very hard, you have to push yourself you can better your own like if you try hard enough.

[throughtheeyes]

No I am not talking about "just staying" anything, but I am talking about "changing my outlook...eventually."

Happy is like love...multifaceted and mysterious. It is not something you "just be" though some have some happiness "just being." It is more importantly and best seen as a process of "doing". It is about productivity (whether passive, assertive or aggressive). There are so many angles. Abraham Lincoln said, "Most people are about as happy as they make up their minds to be." That quote sounds simplistic but the "making up of a man's mind" is complex and about doing.

For me, Erich Fromm said it best. He said, "Happiness is a man’s greatest achievement; it is the response of his total personality to a productive orientation toward himself and the world outside." I've spent MANY hours, both paid and unpaid, dissecting this quote and it's premise. I have hundreds, likely thousands of hours of experience discussing and applying it to hundreds and hundreds of different people. It helps. Study it. Discuss it. Things will ASSUREDLY change for you as a result.

Your OP is so full and breaming with passion it is palpable. You do not know yourself well enough to see the obvious to those of us who have been there and now live the complete opposite.

I have been thinking about the quotes you have been posting for most of the day. Honestly, the process of thinking about them helped me stay more positive. I think it was because I wasn't dwelling on my negative emotions as much as I usually do. I know that is a huge part of my problem. How I think about myself and react to what is happening around me. It is just so hard to be on the defense to my own negative thoughts all the time.

When you say I dont know myself I sadly have to agree with you. I often ask myself who I am and what does it mean to be me and I never have a solid answer.

1. Few people are satisfied with their job. And yeah its called work because you are constantly doing the same thing over and over again. It gets boring and in reality most people have a job that doesn't impact history - much.

However it sounds like to me the real problem you have here is not a pissy, boring job, a fatty body, or a BF who wants to magically fix you - seems to me you have a history of depression and depression makes everything look like shit, feel like shit, taste like shit, sound like shit - shit shit shitty shit shit - That sums up depression.

Trust me I know that work isnt supposed to be grand and entertaining. I just dont want to waste any more time doing something that is just a dead end paycheck.

Your summation of depression is perfect. I dont think there is a better way to describe it at all.

[throughtheeyes]

Ok so you do not need to change your career path right now, but you could look at changing this in the near future. Use the Internet and other resources to find opportunities they may be open to you.

Your weight problem is something only you can address, with such as diet and exercise.And remember you do not need to have muscles upon muscles, you do not need to be perfect , just try to boost your own sense of being.

You say people are judging you, but I think you are your own worst critic. Be kinder to yourself.

Try to take upon new past times and activities, try to find ideas to spark your imagination.

Write a list of all the good things you have in life, like your partner and the things that you would like to achieve in life. Then when you feel down look at this list, to pull your mood up.

Try to be less over critical about yourself, think of all the good points you have. If you think and tell yourself negative things all the time, you will continue to feel nothing but bad about yourself. Remember life is not always easy it can be very hard, you have to push yourself you can better your own like if you try hard enough.

I have fought with being too critical of myself for as long as I can remember. it goes hand in hand with the negative thoughts. They just come in ways and I can't usually stop them before it is too late.

[Wolfpack]

When you get your negative thoughts, try to dispute then. Are they accurate? Are they overly negative? Are you doing yourself a disservice? You may not be able to get a positive thought, but a more balanced thought may help you.