Seeking Wisdom

[learning1]

My 13 year old daughter told us that she is gay. She says that she has known that she wasn't into boys for a while and has had a girlfriend for a month now. I love and support my daughter, but could use some help understanding how to move forward. The other girl hasn't told her parents. I am concerned that the other girl's parents won't be understanding and will blame myself and my wife as well as my daughter. Not that there is anyone to "blame" for this. I guess it just happens. I suppose there is some chance that this is some kind of curious phase. I plan to treat it as not being a phase and just be supportive.


I do foresee some backlash from schoolmates and others in the community. *I want to learn how to help my girl deal with that without being overly confrontational. We also don't want her sexuality to be all she is about anymore than a straight person would. I believe that she can be well adjusted and normal while embracing this other part of herself. *Any guidance to avoid making mistakes that can hinder her and our adjustment will be appreciated.

[matty7]

welcome to GS ,having many parents of gblt here on gayspeak then im sure you will have some great advice on how to proceed - it is really refreshing that you have chosen to find out more information before making judgments ,,,you must be very proud parents of your daughter

[learning1]

welcome to GS ,having many parents of gblt here on gayspeak then im sure you will have some great advice on how to proceed - it is really refreshing that you have chosen to find out more information before making judgments ,,,you must be very proud parents of your daughter

We are. She is a well adjusted girl that does well in all that she takes part in. She is accepting and supportive of others. We just hope the same courtesy is extended to her.

[James]

learning 1, first let me say what a wonderful parent you are, a good resource in your local community would be Pfalg, parents and friends of gay, lesbian, bi, transgender, questioning youth. Usually you can find them in the local phone book. They have wonderful material and advice, Jim

[learning1]

learning 1, first let me say what a wonderful parent you are, a good resource in your local community would be Pfalg, parents and friends of gay, lesbian, bi, transgender, questioning youth. Usually you can find them in the local phone book. They have wonderful material and advice, Jim

Thanks. I have contacted them via email with no response as of yet. I did make contact with the pastor of the church that the local pflag chapter meets at. He is going to call next week to set up a meeting time. I already had some confusion with religion before this. Now I need help reconciling homosexuality with religion/Christianity. To be clear, I am NOT a pray the gay away kind of person. That's why I want to get the perspective of a gay friendly minister. I am already well versed in the opposing camp's opinions.

[James]

That will be a good start, yes the kids at school can be tough, look up gsa, gay straight alliance, to see if any are available in your area for the age your child is. Even If you just talk to the instructor that sponsor's this group/club may be able to answer some questions, Jim

[James]

Another thing, keep in mind she is the same person you loved and raised, going through this is tough and she needs her family's support. The entire family has to understand she is the same person she always was. The gay thing is only 1% of who she is, Jim

[ChadCoxRox]

My 13 year old daughter told us that she is gay. She says that she has known that she wasn't into boys for a while and has had a girlfriend for a month now. I love and support my daughter, but could use some help understanding how to move forward.

Sounds encouraging so far! Welcome to GS and I hope you'll take the time to dig in and research some on GS using the search tools. I'm a mature father of a 20 year old bisexual daughter and I have been there and done that!!!

The other girl hasn't told her parents. I am concerned that the other girl's parents won't be understanding and will blame myself and my wife as well as my daughter.

As long as they are not showing any indications of any behavior to cause concern I'd do as with any other 13 year olds, stay out of it as much as I could. I'd not be involved with the girlfriend in ANY way except welcoming when she's visiting, etc. I'd only "monitor" through the your daughter's disclosure to natural inquiries such as how was school?, what do you plan on doing?, how was the game? party? etc. I did not let Maggie date except for home visits and group activities until she was 15 and never unsupervised before she was 18. I was very permissive except for the supervision piece and I made it stick until 18. I was so permissive that at 18 she really wasn't even excited about going out "alone" because I gave her such a wide berth previously. Now we are very comfortable knowing she can depend on me without question but that I don't have any investment in her personal business except that she chooses/desires to share.

Not that there is anyone to "blame" for this. I guess it just happens. I suppose there is some chance that this is some kind of curious phase. I plan to treat it as not being a phase and just be supportive.

It does not "just happen" but you're on the right track. There's the "born with my preference" genetic piece and there's the developmental piece too. Many will argue for and against each exclusively. The more rational tend to avoid discounting either to any large degree, especially after adequate experience and education. Your post and approach are very encouraging and to "just be supportive" can make all the difference in the world even if you don't realize it except in hind sight.

I do foresee some backlash from schoolmates and others in the community. *I want to learn how to help my girl deal with that without being overly confrontational.

The "backlash" is the part that provides opportunities for character development. A real effort for conversation about character development in the face of adversity is strongly encouraged and if you find it difficult seek objective third party assistance (key word is objective). Taking a sensitivity course or character development course together is a great idea. Maggie and I did a couple book clubs together where the teens led the group, chose the books from a list generated from a consensus between the youth and the adults and then participated in online forum discussion with Friday and Saturday incentives built in according to degree of involvement/participation. The first was near 14-15 years old and we did Harry Potter because they all already loved them. It was fine but the reading was laborious for the adults in general. Later, we did the Twilight series which was okay but more importantly led us to also do Stephanie Meyer's book called "The Host" which generated the strongest character development discussions of all the choices.

We also don't want her sexuality to be all she is about anymore than a straight person would. I believe that she can be well adjusted and normal while embracing this other part of herself. *Any guidance to avoid making mistakes that can hinder her and our adjustment will be appreciated.

"well adjusted and normal WHILE embracing..." implies room for growth and understanding of your own potential for bias and discriminatory beliefs. It's to be expected and a perfect place to start to gain loads of advantage in the quest to "just be supportive." Please feel free to discuss, share, etc. and I bet in time you will find having spent time here at GS was well worth the effort!

[Bowyn Aerrow]

You're a parent. Most parents want to shield their offspring from the world and all of its hurts and woes.

Yes there are risks being in the LGBT community. Gays and Lesbians are hated for being 'that way' and we get hurt - often.

I am happy to report that in the last 20+ years the average number of insults a typical gay person receives day to day has greatly reduced. With a majority of people in favor of equality for gays, with gay marriage burning through the Western World, with gays accepted in the US Military openly without the stepping stone of Don't Ask, Don't Tell there are many clear indicators that a kid coming out as LGBT today isn't going to see the amount of horrors that a kid from my day did.

I'm certain you are personally hated by some group of people who most likely have made comments about your specific group. If not, then you just ain't paying attention. However being hated/rejected by groups of others is always pretty much a strengthening experience.

Yes, most likely the GF's parents are going to blame you and your perverted daughter for turning their daughter into a lesbian. While that is wholly inaccurate and a really primitive mindset to have in this 21st century, it exists and the chances are high.

From THAT your daughter will learn to not date closeted people. Without that experience she will undoubtedly only get involved with another closeted person who will bring their own set of luggage to the relationship and cause her similar or more pain in the long run.

Life, as you very well know, has no fairytale endings. Well not new school fairytale endings (life happily ever after). The old school dark tales ended a bit more realistic and horrific teaching important life lessons since most of life events do not end well. Your daughter will need those experiences that are negative to make better choices and learn how to safeguard herself. Yes I know, daddy wants to protect his daughter from all the evil in the world.

I'm sorry daddy, you are not immortal and there will come things you can't protect her from. Thus the best you really can do is allow the arrows to fall as they will and teach her how to pull arrows out and bandage the wounds.

You do have the experience here or the knowledge of how this thing with the GF's parents can go. I strongly suggest you warn the daughter that this can happen and try to come up with ways for her to prepare for the worst and hope for the best.

Yes there will be backlash. I most likely can give you nightmares by telling you what I know lesbian women go through day to day based on their being a woman and being a lesbian on top of it. I would rather not steal your much needed sleep from you.

Suffice to say, you know some of the potential harms/dangers she faces. Again, prepare her for the worst with hope for the best.

Be there when her heart gets broken to comfort her - humans tend to learn object lessons from bad stuff - we learn that fire is hot and potentially harmful not because someone told us but because we held a hand out toward the flame and felt the uncomfortable heat.

Everything in life is like this.

Be it being a lesbian or anything else, she is going to get hurt from time to time. While you can give her some of the benefit of your years of experience, I assure you young kids just don't want to learn from the mistakes of their elders - they seem hell bent on making their own set of mistakes to get the full experience.

The best you can do is instill in her a 'prepare for the worst/hope for the best' mentality.

And no, this isn't a phase.

That is called denial.

Daddy is currently going through the 5 stages of grief. Denial, Bargaining, Anger, Depression and finally acceptance.

Yes I know, when Mom said 'I'm Pregnant' you started painting this picture of your offspring's life. Yes and when you found out its a girl you had all of these 'traditional straight' expectations, husband, 2.5 kids, a suburban home with a picket fence, college/university and above all else more happiness than you perceive you had yourself.

Most parents do that. Well the healthy ones do.

So yes you are experiencing a death - a death of the dreams you have been plotting for oh 13 years, perhaps more... I have no idea how long you have been planning your offsprings' future(s).

There won't be a husband in this new future, Wife most likely. Grandchildren? Don't rule that possibility out.

Mind I had one lesbian propose that I donate my genetic material to make two offspring, one for them and one for me. While that would include a turkey baster and they would raise one child as their own and I the other... not exactly a 'traditional family' it could have satisfied their desire for offspring.

No I didn't go through with that. I could have - but opted out of the gene pool - I'm to cynical of human future to actively produce a life who will suffer from the horrors on the horizon. I am more or less atypical since many gay men offered that option would jump on the breeder bandwagon and that leads to grandchildren.

Then there is adoption, sperm donor banks - many options. Lesbians have it far easier when it comes to getting knocked up than gays do...

So your dreams for your daughters future may not be totally crushed - modified slightly, sure.

Ultimately I think you want her happiness. If that is in the arms of a loving, decent woman they by all means allow her to have that.

[learning1]

You're a parent. Most parents want to shield their offspring from the world and all of its hurts and woes.

Yes there are risks being in the LGBT community. Gays and Lesbians are hated for being 'that way' and we get hurt - often.

I am happy to report that in the last 20+ years the average number of insults a typical gay person receives day to day has greatly reduced. With a majority of people in favor of equality for gays, with gay marriage burning through the Western World, with gays accepted in the US Military openly without the stepping stone of Don't Ask, Don't Tell there are many clear indicators that a kid coming out as LGBT today isn't going to see the amount of horrors that a kid from my day did.

I'm certain you are personally hated by some group of people who most likely have made comments about your specific group. If not, then you just ain't paying attention. However being hated/rejected by groups of others is always pretty much a strengthening experience.

Yes, most likely the GF's parents are going to blame you and your perverted daughter for turning their daughter into a lesbian. While that is wholly inaccurate and a really primitive mindset to have in this 21st century, it exists and the chances are high.

From THAT your daughter will learn to not date closeted people. Without that experience she will undoubtedly only get involved with another closeted person who will bring their own set of luggage to the relationship and cause her similar or more pain in the long run.

Life, as you very well know, has no fairytale endings. Well not new school fairytale endings (life happily ever after). The old school dark tales ended a bit more realistic and horrific teaching important life lessons since most of life events do not end well. Your daughter will need those experiences that are negative to make better choices and learn how to safeguard herself. Yes I know, daddy wants to protect his daughter from all the evil in the world.

I'm sorry daddy, you are not immortal and there will come things you can't protect her from. Thus the best you really can do is allow the arrows to fall as they will and teach her how to pull arrows out and bandage the wounds.

You do have the experience here or the knowledge of how this thing with the GF's parents can go. I strongly suggest you warn the daughter that this can happen and try to come up with ways for her to prepare for the worst and hope for the best.

Yes there will be backlash. I most likely can give you nightmares by telling you what I know lesbian women go through day to day based on their being a woman and being a lesbian on top of it. I would rather not steal your much needed sleep from you.

Suffice to say, you know some of the potential harms/dangers she faces. Again, prepare her for the worst with hope for the best.

Be there when her heart gets broken to comfort her - humans tend to learn object lessons from bad stuff - we learn that fire is hot and potentially harmful not because someone told us but because we held a hand out toward the flame and felt the uncomfortable heat.

Everything in life is like this.

Be it being a lesbian or anything else, she is going to get hurt from time to time. While you can give her some of the benefit of your years of experience, I assure you young kids just don't want to learn from the mistakes of their elders - they seem hell bent on making their own set of mistakes to get the full experience.

The best you can do is instill in her a 'prepare for the worst/hope for the best' mentality.

And no, this isn't a phase.

That is called denial.

Daddy is currently going through the 5 stages of grief. Denial, Bargaining, Anger, Depression and finally acceptance.

Yes I know, when Mom said 'I'm Pregnant' you started painting this picture of your offspring's life. Yes and when you found out its a girl you had all of these 'traditional straight' expectations, husband, 2.5 kids, a suburban home with a picket fence, college/university and above all else more happiness than you perceive you had yourself.

Most parents do that. Well the healthy ones do.

So yes you are experiencing a death - a death of the dreams you have been plotting for oh 13 years, perhaps more... I have no idea how long you have been planning your offsprings' future(s).

There won't be a husband in this new future, Wife most likely. Grandchildren? Don't rule that possibility out.

Mind I had one lesbian propose that I donate my genetic material to make two offspring, one for them and one for me. While that would include a turkey baster and they would raise one child as their own and I the other... not exactly a 'traditional family' it could have satisfied their desire for offspring.

No I didn't go through with that. I could have - but opted out of the gene pool - I'm to cynical of human future to actively produce a life who will suffer from the horrors on the horizon. I am more or less atypical since many gay men offered that option would jump on the breeder bandwagon and that leads to grandchildren.

Then there is adoption, sperm donor banks - many options. Lesbians have it far easier when it comes to getting knocked up than gays do...

So your dreams for your daughters future may not be totally crushed - modified slightly, sure.

Ultimately I think you want her happiness. If that is in the arms of a loving, decent woman they by all means allow her to have that.

I understand that there is no way to shield her from everything. Neither have I planned her life for her. It is true that this is turning out differently than had imagined, but that is what makes life interesting. My wife and I have always allowed her to try anything and everything that interested her while teaching the value of hard work and positive attitude. My thinking is that she will eventually find what makes her tick, and the hard work/positive attitude will take care of the rest, regardless of what that is. My kids will be the master or destroyer of their own destinies. It is all up to them and fate.

Wondering if it is a phase has more to do with not wanting her to be confused than being in denial. I want her to know who she is and run with it. All I have ever wanted for my children is to be happy and productive members of society. That doesn't always mean making the most money or fitting in with social norms.

I do appreciate you taking the time to craft such a thoughtful response. All of your points carry weight and are meant to be helpful. Thank you.