My boyfriend is afraid of sex

[Pixiebells]

Are you his first relationship as well? You've stated that he had a falling out with his parents and it was pretty major.. If you are his first relationship is it possible that he's scared to actually confirm that he is gay? Being able to say you are gay and actually confirming it is two completely different major steps.

The advice given is good.. The common thing is talk. Just simply ask him if he is okay, or if there is any issues there. He can be the only one to truly share some light on this subject. Neither of you are weird for still being virgins. Why should everyone lose their virginity at young ages? Whatever happened to people waiting for the right person? I think society has changed from losing it as soon as possible to more people waiting, at least it seems like it is starting to change!

I find it quite sweet in some way that you are each others firsts.. you are both just exploring maybe he is just slightly more scared.

Well said! I also find it sweet. It's adorable & very romantic.

[Mark]

Well said! I also find it sweet. It's adorable & very romantic.

I agree.. A tad jealous myself.

[yourname]

So my boyfriend and me, we're together for 5 months already and we're really happy, I've never thought I could find a guy like him. The thing is the he's afraid to have sex with me, he's 18, I'm 21. We're both inexperienced and I think it's actually a good thing, so that we won't have to worry we won't measure up with each other. We've spent lots of nights together , kissing and caressing each other, but nothing more. We've never been actually naked together, we're always in underwear. If I try to get closer, like touch his butt or pull him so close that we're literally rubbing into each other, he always apologizes and moves away.

The first time it happened, I thought that he probably doesn't want it yet and that I'm hurrying, but he said he wants it, but is scared that things will go wrong. He's scared that I'll be disappointed, that he won't be good enough, that something might hurt. Well, I've to say I'm not very brave too, as it'll be my first time as well, but somehow I'm not afraid of these things. The first time is always awkward, I believe.

So what should I do? Should I just wait and give him more time or should we just go for it?

You guys are way too young to be settling in to 'lesbian sisterdom'. "5 months, and it's going awesome"....sounds like you're great friends....not sure that's going to translate to great lovers though.

Hate to be pessimistic, but I've just never seen one of these situations turn around...it's unlikely to me that he's going to have some epiphany and suddenly be "GGG" (as Dan Savage calls it) and be eager to go nympho on you from time to time. And I for one couldn't be in a relationship where actually having relations was a chore, or getting things started was like pulling teeth.

Imo, this has actually gone on too long to be recoverable...if he was insecure about "disappointing" a new lover, I wonder if that pressure has gone up or down...I'd fear up. Really, the whole thing is BS: yes he's going to disappoint you the first time...and you him. And it wouldn't matter if you were both in your 40s, I wager that would still be true (certainly compared to how well you'll know each others' bodies and what causes them pleasure after a year of having sex.) Like I tell anyone worried about such (ridiculous) things when they're trying something new: "there's only one thing I did well the first time I tried it, and that was suckin' my mama's tit --and even then, I'm guessing." Whether learning to drive, learning a computer program, or learning a new person's body in bed, NO ONE is better the first time they do it than they are the 10th time they do it...that's part of the fun. (Can you imagine how torturous life would be if we were pros at everything we tried the first time we tried it???)

I'm not sure this is recoverable, but it would seem to me that "more of the same" is only going to get you "more of the same"....sure that's a shame for you, but probably even a bigger shame for him. In situations like this, I wonder if the best favour you can do him is to dump him...sometimes the best we can do is make someone a better lover for their next lover. He may need to play around a bit before he settles in...he may need to have a few strangers say "f-ck, that was awesome!!!" to build up his esteem....and then try dating those guys to see what train-wrecks a lot of guys are, in order to appreciate YOU, the guy who isn't a train-wreck. All in all, you both may have boxed yourselves into a corner that will be exceedingly difficult to get out of....unless something radical happens.

Anyway, no doubt you'll get lots of "work it out"/"go slow"/"let it unfold as it should" messages...I wanted to give you the raw goods, and perhaps a totally different perspective, as unwelcome as it may be.

[VidasParalelas]

^

Great post, yourname.

[TwisttheLeaf]

Sex is scary, yeah? It just is, and for some moreso than others. The fear of disappointing your partner? I can testify to just how terrifying that can be.

But the fact is, if you want to get over these hurdles, you both have to be willing to jump them.

Does that mean fall into bed and screw each others brains out tonight? No. But it means if you -want- it to work, you're going to have to start going there. Hands, mouths. Work yourself up to what you both want but are possibly scared of.

If he says he wants it, it's time to talk about it Talk about his fears and what -specifically- he's scared is going to happen. Be reassuring. If his fears are legitimate, tell him that you're okay with those things happening if they do and it won't change anything between the two of you (if this is true, that is).

If he's still pulling away even after all of the above? Unfortunately, I'd start wondering if he was actually attracted. Or if there's something else going on that he's not telling me (abuse as a kid, a testosterone imbalance, not gay/attracted, etc).

I understand some people are more keen on touching, foreplay and sex than others, but at the same time... I'd still start to wonder.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't say I'm very brave at this, as this will be my first time as well. But I want him and it kind of helps me.

We've talked about this a lot, we talked even today and decided what to do. He told me he doesn't want to have sex yet and I've decided I won't force him. He asked me questions that I couldn't really answer, like is he supposed to want it or how can he know if he's ready. I didn't know how to answer him. He even was like "I could do it for you", but I don't want him to do something for me, I want him to really want it, so I just told him to let me know when he feels ready. I don't want to sleep with him just because everyone does or because it should be done by now. Cuddling will be enough for us right now.

[LJay]

Have you talked to him about what he does like?

I'm thinking that you might explain to him that you want to be more intimate physically and to ask him how he would like towork toward that. Talk to him about at a time when you are not in bed together so that he does not feel pressured at the moment, but let him know you feel like you both need to work on it together.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

It would be interesting to know on what basis he decided he was homosexual if he never had sex with another guy and apparently doesn't want sex with another guy.

I don't know him, I don't know his history - I can only make shots in the dark here.

One potential no one has mentioned is he may be a survivor of sexual abuse. 'don't touch me' or 'I don't like to be touched that way' tends to reflect having some sort of experience to know you don't like that...

[AlfredM]

I have a feeling he's leaning to asexuality,which is gonna be hard for you as a sexual person.. =/

[Borg69]

What if you just layed there naked, and allowed him to explore your body. For the first round (or two or three?) you're not allowed to touch him back. That puts him in control and gets him used to the intimacy without fear of having to perform and risk pain from something done to him. If he's willing to jerk you off, let him. No reciprocation at first.

It does seem odd he's not willing to try hardly anything. It makes me wonder if he was sexually abused or something?