How to break up with my long time partner without hurting him?

[Anonymous]

Yes, I'm asking how to tell him, how to start talking about it. I understand that no matter how I say it, it'll hurt him more or less and if I could I would take all his pain on me, but unfortunately I can't. I just want him to understand that it's not his fault, that's it's about me.

[princealbertofb]

No, I'm not depressed, why should I be? I'm satisfied with my life. I've a good job with enough time for recreation, lots of good people around me, I'm quite successful. I'm not depressed, it's just that my feelings for him have changed. I remember how I felt when my heart literally jumped when I saw him, I remember I was sure of my future together with him, I thought that I'll definitely propose him one day. Now it's all gone. There are some feelings in me about him that'll never change, I respect him, always have and always will, he's very reliable person, a very kind-hearted person. We've had many wonderful moments that I'll never forget, but love is not about living in memories. It's about what happens with me right now and unfortunately now I feel that I just love him as a person, not as my lover.

He might have different opinion about this, but here's mine - we're living in his place, that belongs to him. I would just move away and he won't have to worry about where to live, because everything belongs to him. Me, I can take care of myself and I'll find where to stay until I find my own living place.
We're both working in good jobs and just like he could afford to live alone before I came, he'll be able to live alone once I'm gone.
No pets, no wills.
And why should we announce our break up to the whole world? If someone will ask me personally have we broke up, I'll answer, but actually it's no ones business but ours.

I wasn't suggesting depression to be offensive, Anon. I was merely making a suggestion that you might not have noticed some form of depression. So, ok. It's just dissatisfaction with your life and where it's going. If the love is no longer there, and no longer warrants a proposal, then either you've got to make that special effort to regain the spark (since the respect and love as a friend still remain) and definitely discuss it, or you've got to take that difficult decision. I think you understand what you might be losing. So your asking us what we think here is really about giving yourself the courage, that push to make that difficult decision?

As someone suggested, a good conversation is necessary, whatever you decide. A conversation about the future. The thing is you haven't really asked your partner what the two of you could do together to regain that spark. You haven't given him the opportunity to put in that effort, if ever that might do it. If he doesn't suspect anything is wrong, it'll be a shock, if he has his feelers out, he may have sensed something but not know how to bring it up. You are both far too polite, then.

Try not to make that conversation happen on a day that would otherwise be meaningful : it might spoil that special day for years to come (like his birthday, or your birthday, or Valentine's Day - you get my drift). How do you see this happening? You both sitting on chairs on opposite sides? Or in a cuddling, cradling position? I think I'd go for the former, but that's up to you.

It's a good thing that neither of you will be strapped for cash or a place to live.

[Bhp91126]

Reading through the thread and your posts, I didn't see any considerations as to why you're not in love with him anymore. You only mention "love having burned out". I think it is worth investigating where that burn out comes from. I'm imagining you having the break up conversation with him and I'm sure this question will come up.
Was it something he did/does? I'm sure he'd be willing to change.
Do you miss something in the relationship that you think you could do only as a single?
Is routine getting to you?
Does he take you for granted?
Has the sex become routine?

Just start the conversation by asking him, how he sees the future, what works in the relationship, what doesn't. Does the relationship feel different to him now, than it was a short time ago? Just suss him out about his feelings. Then offer to share yours.

You're also pretty mute about what exactly it is you feel for him now. Do you still want to make him happy? Is he the most important person in the world to you? Or are you happy when you're out of the house? Restless?

Love changes during the course of a relationship. So it's not unusual if the feelings change as well.

You can probably tell that I'm very much in favor of trying to salvage your relationship. But whatever you do, be very certain you are certain.

[Anonymous]

I don't know why I don't feel to him the same as I felt. I don't know when and how it happened but especially during the last year I just realized he's not as important to me anymore as he was. And it's not about him, he hasn't done anything bad, he has always treated me with love and respect. It's about me, I can't change the way I feel. What I feel to him right now is respect, gratefulness, I want him to be happy, I want him to feel good. I like his presence and I don't feel better when I'm outside the house.

Every time I think we must talk about it, I realize I'm very afraid of that. I'm afraid of seeing pain in his eyes, at that moment I'll probably hate myself. He has been so very good with me and he doesn't deserve to be hurt. At first I considered maybe writing a long letter, where I explain him all the hows and whys, my feelings and everything and just leave without talking to him in person at all. But then I realized that that would be very cowardly thing to do and that after all these years he deserves a decent conversation in the very least.

[showme]

Jeez, I wish my moderated post from this morning would show up. Anyway, yes, he deserves a conversation, as do you. Multiple conversations, in fact. You should have been communicating before it got to this point. But better late than never. You have no idea where that will lead until you try it. You can't avoid hurting him but the sooner you're both feeling your way to a better place, the better.

Personally, I think your description of your feelings still sounds like love. You could be just frustrated with the implicit constrictions and roles you've slowly encumbered yourself with. Those can be dealt with.

As I said in the post that will not show, start by asking yourself, am I better with him or without him. And don't view the other side with rose colored glasses. You might be surprised at the decision you make.

[showme]

Two posts in this thread stuck in moderation. Please Mr. Moderator, release them from their bondage.

[Ekwarph]

I don't agree with bhp. Feelings are not like rationnal things you can justify!

[Bhp91126]

I don't agree with bhp. Feelings are not like rationnal things you can justify!

Agree with you there, but looking into their possible origins can help understanding. It's not an exact science (or men would understand women better, and I didn't need to futz around with anti-depression meds)

[MovingRtAlong]

OP, just out of curiosity -- if you don't mind sharing it -- how old are you and your partner?

[David3K]

Maybe this is not what you want to hear, but love is not magical forever. After some times things change, now in the past couples tried to make it work, nowadays when people get bored they drop their partners to the dumpster. You are already decided to break up with him, WITHOUT even talking to him first, without giving yourselves a chance to talk about it and "fix" things like finding new ways together to spark the relationship.

To my eyes you're being selfish, there are many things to do to save that relationship before breaking it off, specially when you know youre hurting someone thats been there for you for such long time and loves you a lot. Relationships are based on compromise and I think he deserves that at least you TRY to give this another chance. If that doesnt work then you part ways, but at least you own him to tell him whats going on and give him a chance to save what you got.