Sharing Costs if Partnered

[Anonymous]

So, here is the situation.

My partner and I have been together for quite a while, and have lived together for the past 7 years. We are both homeowners and choose to live in my house while he rents his house out.

We are both in well paid jobs, however I earn about 4/5 times what he does.

Up until recently we have always shared the costs associated with living together, and while we have never split things 50-50, he has always made contributed between 4-500 every month for things like food, utilities and insurance. I pay the mortgage.

The past two months he's paid nothing, and when Ive gently asked about his contribution its ended in arguments with him saying I earn so much more than he does I don't need his contribution.

The reality is I don't, and never have had to rely on his contributions, but its always been my principle that he should bear some of the costs. We are definitely not in some kind of sugar daddy arrangement before anyone asks LoL

I also do his taxes, so know he has no significant money issues, so his refusal to discuss this and the arguments that follow are upsetting to say the least.

Any suggestions on how I handle this or do I just stop buying food and paying for cable/internet/phone bills etc so he gets the message?

[Cuddly]

The way he reacts to the topic sounds like there's something more to it. Makes me wonder if he's stashing up so he can leave you and have a financial buffer to steady himself with. Or if you've done something or said something that has upset him and he's trying to get you to realise what that is and apologize.. Or maybe he's saving up for something for the two of you? Maybe he's worried that he might be out of a job soon and he's stashing for that reason.

Can't you bring it up in a more smooth and gentle fashion? Hint the fact that you make plenty of money and that you (as a couple) don't need his contribution per se, but you liked the guesture and was wondering why it stopped, if you had said something or done something wrong.

Being the one who earns the least in a relationship (particularly by a factor as large as 0.2) can be stressful and demotivating.

[East]

It seems to me that he has some kind of problem or issue that he is not telling you about.

Is he good verbalizing what is bothering him?..is communication a problem for him?..is he the type of person who is in touch with himself?

Maybe ask him why point blank...tell him that we need to discuss this and be direct about it. Try not to threaten him or say anything that will lead to him getting defensive with you. Keep it on point when/if it veers off.

Money is the #1 problem amongst married couples....probably unmarried ones as well.

Good Luck!

[Bowyn Aerrow]

First, I'm sorry. I'm going to take you to a dark place here. However you need to seriously consider it an prepare for the worst (hope for the best).

Allow me to point out the most obvious potential here.

He is done with the relationship and is pulling back his finances in preparation to leave.

This financial situation is typical of marriages just before the divorce papers are handed over for a signature.

His attitude and lack of communication mixed with hostility, the fact that this 7 years into the relationship (the 7 year itch factor) point more at this potential.

I think you should approach this with the question:

"Are you preparing to end our relationship?"

[KingOfChaos]

Even though I make a decent salary, my BF makes a lot more - but we still share expenses equally and I wouldn't be comfortable with doing it any other way. Whether or not you "need" the money is not the issue.
It sounds like he's developed a resentment about something. Getting to the bottom of it won't be easy, but if you don't pursue it, you're going to end up resenting him.
It doesn't bother me that Tobias makes more money, because I pull my weight financially and things are equal. But I think that if he were contributing more than I do, it would give rise to all sorts of uncomfortable feelings for me.
I agree with everyone who has said that you need to talk it out. Since you have already quarreled about it, maybe present it as not so much wanting him to pay up but in terms of the fact that the money problem feels like it's obscuring a deeper issue.
I hope it works out for you both.

[HumbleTangerine]

I sound uncomfortably marxist, but I really believe relationships should be based on the principle that both parts provide based on ability. You really can't allow him to live off you completely when he has an income.

[Anonymous]

So, here is the situation.

have lived together for the past 7 years.

We are both in well paid jobs, however I earn about 4/5 times what he does.

The past two months he's paid nothing, and when Ive gently asked about his contribution its ended in arguments with him saying I earn so much more than he does I don't need his contribution.

Any suggestions on how I handle this or do I just stop buying food and paying for cable/internet/phone bills etc so he gets the message?

Do you "stop paying for expenses until he gets the message"? Boy, that's the ultimate in passive aggressive behavior.

My reaction is that after 7 years together, it's long past time to make financial arrangements specific - and living arrangements. TALK. It seems that, like a lot of gay couples, you drifted into this financial/living arrangement, rather than planning it out. What are your outlooks for the future? Do you plan to stay together? Are you more frieinds than lovers?

Where do you live? - we have no idea. Now that gays can get married in most western places, how do you feel about that? Terrified? Something you want to do? Something that you have talked about? (seems not). The point I am getting at, is that most couples, gay or straight, eventually end up sharing everything - meaning your large income. You may have reasons not to - afraid the relationship will end? Maybe his thinking about things is making him bitter?

I have friends who (throwing caution to the winds, I thought) immediately after moving in together, shared everything - house ownership and income, etc, even one made substantially more than the other. It did not occur to them that they might split up. They saw themselves as a "partnership." They have all been together for many years.

I'm also anonymous here, but only because I will share more of my own situation than I want everyone to know. I have been with my partner for about 27 years. We are both very cautious and conservative by nature, so who knew whether the relationship would last? (it obviously has) So sharing income never occurred to us. We both own houses, and I live in his. But we are in California, so when "domestic partners" came along, we signed up - we got some rights, and he got my health care. But we had a pre-nup - mostly for tax reasons. Now we can get married, and probably will. Might still need a pre-nup for tax purposes (maybe just revise the one we have), but there is no longer any reason why we could not completely share income - after all - he gets all I own when I die, and vice versa. Being in the USA, we pay substantial income tax, and if we got married, we would be better off tax-wise splitting our income, so we probably will. In any event, we pretty much share expenses - BUT there is no accounting - we just each buy things for the house, spend on restaurants and theatre, and spend on expensive travel, without ever accounting to the other who paid what.

This is getting too long, so I will get to the point - If you "love" this guy and expect to be with this guy for a lifetime: 1.) Talk about marriage; 2.) Talk; 3.) consider you suggesting to him that you both share everything - all of the income of both of you goes into a joint checking account from which all expenses are paid. You will be paying the most, but so you should. ( It is not uncommon in gay relationships - and straight ones as well, for one partner to make a lot more money than the other.) More importantly, it would signify a deeper level of trust in the longterm viability of your relationship, and signal to him that you think he is worth it. Unless there are problems that could reasonably make you fearful of losing a great deal - like he's a drug addict, cant' control his gambling, a terrible spendthrift, etc., has big debts (all good reasons for a pre-nup) if you can't share at this point in your relationship, maybe you are not lovers after all, but just FWBs.

Not what you wanted to hear, but that's my view.

[East]

I have friends who (throwing caution to the winds, I thought) immediately after moving in together, shared everything - house ownership and income, etc, even one made substantially more than the other. It did not occur to them that they might split up. They saw themselves as a "partnership." They have all been together for many years.

That is exactly what I did from day one. I never hesitated. It has worked out very nicely...going on 29 years.

[meninlove]

That is exactly what I did from day one. I never hesitated. It has worked out very nicely...going on 29 years.

We did the same. Hitting 25 years this December.

Over the years, sometimes he made more than I, and sometimes I made more than him. We each paid bills, rent, mortgage etc equally if we were making the roughly the same, or a percentage for the one making less.

[showme]

I think this sounds a bit ominous, as well - mostly the part where he refuses to even talk about it.

We have always paid whatever we had into a joint account, even though I contribute vastly more. I have my retirement plans, and he has a chunk of money that he inherited, kept separate. But all bills come out of the joint account.

The point being, there are actually many ways that this can work, but only if both parties agree. If he won't communicate about this, then I suggest counseling, and if he won't go, it probably wouldn't be a bad idea for you to go alone, to clarify your options and get some feedback on your reactions.