Sharing Costs if Partnered

[Bowyn Aerrow]

I have/had the opposite problem. My current roommate is my ex of 14 years.... Roommate for two years now....

Simply because I can't afford all the chainsaw blades necessary to divide things like the car, the refrigerator, the stove, etc in equal halves. oh that and he loves sleeping on MY couch. He definitely can't sleep in MY bed.

Although we are now financially separated for the most part (he can pay off his own debts) we still have a lot of the 'ours' shit that maybe matches and a gallon of gasoline is the only solution.

So I get why some people are cautious about throwing in and combining their lives with another.

Unfortunately I never learned that lesson and each partner I am with shit quickly becomes ours, and then when the inevitable failure of the relationship hits I usually end up packing up my clothes and they win everything else.

Between these two extremes there is a middle ground. In your case your partner not being willing to commit to 'our place' is a bit on the extreme. Sure I get the desire to have a safety net. No not really....:tongue:.... but still there has got to be a little trust in there somewhere and hope that your relationship will break out from the statistics and be one that actually does last until one of you dies.

[jimcrackcorn]

Here's another thought:

He may have lost his job, or his business is failing,,, and is to ashamed to let his partner know that he is broke and can't afford to pay his share.

At any rate,,, I hope everything works out for the two of you.

Jim

[dudewithabeard]

I think the idea of combining everything you own in a relationship is a stereotype and perhaps cultural. None of my Asian exes and I ever did this and I probably wouldn't do it in the future, either. Sure there can be a common account to pay bills and everything, and a general feeling of sharing, but some people have some expectation that everything should become "ours" which is very stifling and suffocating to me. I tried dating one Hispanic guy that freaked out because I don't think that couple should have to sleep in the same bed. He immediately asked me, "What kind of relationship do you want with me?" which left me incredibly puzzled. In many parts of the world, couples don't sleep together or combine 100% of their lives with each other. Couples are made of two individual people who shouldn't lose themselves in the "couple". I could never be comfortable in that kind of arrangement.

Again, maybe this is a cultural thing that I'm noticing.

My point is, there is no "right" or "wrong" way and I don't think it's strange if a couple doesn't share everything.

I am truly curious, what cultures/countries around the world do people who are married not sleep in the same bed. I can understand that being the case if someone has multiple wives. And while they don't have to sleep in the same bed I can't imagine new couples who are living together not wanting to share the same bed. Not saying it's wrong or making judgement on it. Now my grandparents for the last 20 years of their marriage had separate bedrooms but that's because I don't think they really like each other. I think the reason they gave was medically related..


sorry to come back to the conversation so late.

[dudewithabeard]

Thanks for taking the time to respond. Lots of food for thought there.

We have been together over 10 years, but lived together for the past 7, so Im not sure if the 7 year itch rule applies.

We have a joint bank account thats always been used for household expenses. Its where the bills get paid out of, but we have also maintained our separate personal/business accounts for salary payments etc.

Ive asked about commitment/marriage a few times over the years, and come to the conclusion that he is the non committal type. I even wanted to sell both houses and buy "our" house but he made it clear that wasn't going to happen.

Perhaps Im just over reading the situation, but gut feeling can be a powerful thing. Im going to approach the subject again, as delicately as I can and see where it leads.

Thanks again everyone for your replies.

Failure/refusal to communicate is failure/refusal to participate.

Feel with you gut, think with you mind and your heart will eventually find what you are looking for.

Good luck to you my friend. Peace be with you.

[Uneunsae]

I know many Indian/East Asian/Middle Eastern couples who have separate rooms and happy relationships. If they want sex or cuddling, or whatever, they just go to the other person's room.

It's really sexy to go visit your lover in their room at night.

[Uneunsae]

I feel like I need to put a disclaimer on here that says, "I am not speaking for the entire culture!" LOL Some couples prefer sleeping together, of course, and that's their way but I think it's just that it's not considered strange to sleep apart and many couples would rather do it that way! There is more emphasis on maintaining individuality while in a relationship. Where you sleep doesn't determine your love.

Buuuuuut, I don't know, with all the Western influence, maybe things are changing. I don't know, I'm not 18 anymore.

[Charon]

Uhm....just a thought, but...since you know his financials, you also know when his house will next be vacant. In other words, you're getting your home back all to your self. He's picked a particularly nasty way to break the idea to you but that was his choice. Now, what you have to do is hurry him on his way by evicting him. In most jurisdictions if someone has stayed in your home more than a certain number of days, they cannot be asked to leave, they must be legally evicted. Of course, should he turn tail and apologize, preferably on his knees in tears, you can consider forgiving. And, in a decade, forgetting. Actually, why wait. throw the baggage out.

[Charon]

My parents were married, give or take, for about 65 years. Never in the whole time did they pool their financial assets. They own the home in joint tenancy but the rest of the "stuff" was definitely his or hers. It never made any difference to anyone and the only slight mess it caused was a brief trip in and out of court when he drifted first into dementia and then Alzheimer's. It was necessary to transfer control to her in the form of a guardian/conservatorship. I'm not convinced based on personal observation that separating their holdings made any difference. Indeed in the sort of situations we're likely to encounter where permanence is a sometimes thing, that combining assets is a a good idea. Maybe after fifteen, twenty years but up until then, it's still on a trial basis. If that sounds harsh, it's just because I've seen too many "happy couples" divide like sliced bread within two or three years......

[AlfredM]

I know many Indian/East Asian/Middle Eastern couples who have separate rooms and happy relationships. If they want sex or cuddling, or whatever, they just go to the other person's room.

It's really sexy to go visit your lover in their room at night.

Off topic,but I've always wondered how couples sleep with each other like every night. What if the other has very bad sleeping habit like snoring,moving,walking,etc or he does things like switching off light too early at night,switching on light too early in the morning,etc? I suppose compromising is always the key,but perhaps it's not too strange to consider sleeping apart,hmm. =/

[Uneunsae]

^ exactly!!