Initiating conversation

[andy_123]

It's a bit of a strange question but...

How do you initiate conversation in a gay bar? I'm looking to make new gay friends but i'm allways worried in case the people I talk to think i'm after having sex with them or something, how do I speak to someone without instantly looking like a pervert?

[wouldlikemuscle]

in before BiPenny!

I am useless at this myself too... I find it hard making introductions and meeting new people... usually if I'm out, I stick like glue to those I know.

But... BiPenny is one of those people I'm sure could do well at answering this because she is VERY good at 'accosting' (as she puts it) random people and chatting to them.. in fact, one of our recent nights out at G-A-Y bar, she got talking to this guy who turned out to be the brother of someone we went to college with.

It's about getting the confidence I think. Once you start developing the ability to talk to people, then it should get easier.. just catching someone's eye and smiling could be a start... a smile back could be just the approval needed to go up to the person and start a convo.

Body language plays a big part in it... if you look approachable then you may get people coming up to you.. I think all too often, when around strangers I probably look quite hostile, but that seems to be a defensive thing and its actually I'm not being hostile... I'm too scared!!! lol

[marshlander]

It's a bit of a strange question but ... how do I speak to someone without instantly looking like a pervert?

It's not a strange question at all. I think it's a hugely important question. I find it really difficult to start conversations, specially ones that start with eye contact from across the other side of the bar. If someone is standing next to me I can usually manage a greeting and a smile. After that if I can bring myself to try a bit more conversation I might ask what sort of a day they've had. Having little of value to say myself I try to get them to talk about themselves.

Still my advice is probably not worth much. I visited my local bar regularly for three years or more before I could do much more than order my usual soft drink and run. The last couple of times I've been in with a musician friend, so we've had plenty to natter about (you know, strategies for eliminating boxiness from recordings made with cheap violin pickups ... that kind of thing ). However, over the years I have got to know many of the regulars to talk to mainly through being included in conversations with people I have already got to know. But I guess that's not what you're asking. Regular visits and persistence is what seems to have worked best for me.

As to being considered a pervert, you try talking to a younger man when you're thirty years older than he is ... I'm wondering if I have the opposite problem to you now. Most of the guys in the pub know my b/f lives in France and they have never seen him. But they have seen me enter and leave with my friend. The tongues started to wag before when I gave someone a lift back to his hotel when he was without his car. Oh well, can't win I suppose.

[BiPenny]

As promised by WLM I will answer your question but not right now cos I dont really feel terribly coherent.
Somebody give me a nudge if I forget to reply.

[BiPenny]

OK - I am back - with a vengence!!!!!!

There are a few ways of initiating conversation, don't assume people will think you want to sleep with them, alternatively try to make yourself comfortable that if they make that assumption, it doesn't matter!

1) The smokers area always holds the friendliest people - often those on their own who have left friends to go and have a fag (ooo er!!) or to get away!! If you smoke asking for a light can be a really good way of starting a convo - then simply introduce yourself.

2) If you are with a group of people, the more fun you look like you are having the more poeple will be encouraged to talk to you, make a passing comment on their hair/clothes/dancing but make it brash of you can - 'dude your hair is well cool' (yes I know it sounds stupid but you are allowed a bit of artistic license and you will be forgiven if you have a drink in your hand, it also then sounds less like a chat up line)

3) I use a fake name. Now this can sound silly and some people may well jump on me for it. This means that I can make up my mind about a person before they know my real name and might start to facebook stalk me or something (and it can help some people get some more confidence in starting a convo). Use something you can remember whilst drunk!!! Penny (which btw is not my real name those of u who dont know) has become a second personality to me and my friends know I use it too. People who I get on with well get told my real name and no-one has had issue with the false name tho they often ask why.

4) Don't be offended by people who walk away or pull faces as you talk to them, they just don't want to talk, we all have days like those. If its cos they think u r trying to pull them - their problem.

5) Have some confidence in yourself - even if its the dutch kind!!

6) Come on a night out with me and WLM, we'll find you some new friends. Can't promise it will be a quiet night tho.

Any questions please feel free to ask.

[Smurlos]

LOL you dooooo make me laugh love it!!

I'm the king of NOT making conversation... If someone talks to me, 9 times out of 10 I'll happilly chat back. I get on especially well with girls who randomly talk to me. I've been chatted up by a few girls before as well who I've had to give the "unfortunately i'm gay" speech before they kinda giggle and run away all red-cheeked hehe.

[marshlander]

... I've had to give the "unfortunately i'm gay" speech before they kinda giggle and run away all red-cheeked hehe.

We'll have to work on that, Mr Smurlos ... "unfortunately I'm gay"? Count your blessings

Thanking them for their interest, but asking if they have any nice brothers often raises a shriek too ... or maybe that's just what happens to me

[Smurlos]

We'll have to work on that, Mr Smurlos ... "unfortunately I'm gay"? Count your blessings

Thanking them for their interest, but asking if they have any nice brothers often raises a shriek too ... or maybe that's just what happens to me

Not unfortunate for me... but rather unfortunate for them hehe

[princealbertofb]

Not unfortunate for me... but rather unfortunate for them hehe

Indeed, they should be so lucky... hahaha :biggrin:

[andy_123]

Thanks for the replies everyone.

At the moment I think that becoming a regulars out of the question as I only go out on average once every two weeks. On saying that however I am looking to find a local pub within the next couple of months so we'll just have to wait till then to see how much beenfit it gives.

As for eye contact I did meet with some moderate success. The first person I talked to was a 50 year old man who kept telling me he wanted to marry me. I tried to make normal conversation but every time I asked him a question he would reply with "thats not important". After following me into the gentlemans I was pleased to realise that I probabaly wasn't the most perverted person in that conversation and needless to say I lef the pub pretty quickly.

The second person I talked to was quite a nice lad, though we had nothing in common whatsoever. I left the conversation after 10 minutes before any awkward pauses started to kick in.

It seems then that aswell as practicing initiating conversation I also need to be able to identify people who are after a similar relationship/ have similar interests in order to create a long standing friendship. Perhaps I could try wearing a designer t-shirt?

Thanks for the advice and invite Bi-Penny! I havn't been able to implement it yet but next time I go out i'll leave you feedback on how i've done.