This marriage is taking a serious toll on me

[Anonymous]

To say that my husband and I have problems....well, understatement really doesn't cover it.
Some of the things that my husband has done to me make me ashamed that I am still with him.

If I tried to write here everything that has happened with us, it would be like a book.

I am disabled, waiting for surgery to correct my problem. Until that happens, I cannot go back to work and I am dependent on my husband for support (and for the money to have the surgery). He knows he has me trapped.

I don't expect anyone here can help me. I just had to tell someone. Before I married him and moved here, I was close with my family and had tons of friends......now, I only have him and that is exactly the way he likes it.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

No there is nothing I can do to help you. Sorry.

However from what little you said it strongly suggests the typical pattern of abuser mentality which leads to nearly every abuse situation leaving the abused powerless and without an escape route.

Isolating the victim, getting the victim dependent on the abuser.... Its the typical formula.

What about disability? Is that a viable option to pursue?

Is he hitting you? If so you may find there are more resources out there for you than you may think. The stepping stone is to find out what your local resources are for individuals of domestic abuse.

I know you may not be close to your family now, but if you told them the situation don't you think they would be able to put aside the differences and help you? Don't assume that because there has been silence between you and them for this period of time that it means they stopped caring.

If anything, admitting to them the situation now may actually go a long way at mending those fences.

[LJay]

You are in a bad situation. Not all of it is the doing of other people. It is a great burden to reconcile with your family, but you should try. You should also put a large effort into dealing with your marriage. It puts a huge weight on your partner's shoulders to be providing for you, so controlling or not, you have to admit the pressure he is under. Do your best to pull your weight emotionally and here's hoping the surgery will soon be past you and that you can rebuild.

[Anonymous]

I am posting this anonymously, not because I don't want you guys to know who i am, but because of who my husband is.
No, he does not hit me. The last time I tried to leave him he did have me arrested though, and the judge would not set bail for me-- I was released to him.
My family loves me. If they knew, then yes they would say "Leave, come home", but they have their own problems and (to be honest) my mother (who is hospitalized even as I type this) warned me not to trust him.
I married an older man bc I thought he loved me and he represented security. Now, I feel trapped and scared. It is all my fault, I was too trusting. Honestly, I don't know what will happen to me, but I do hope that any younger ppl reading this will think twice before committing the selves to anyone who SEEMS like their "Knight in polished armor".
I really don't think this can end well for me. My only chance is for the surgery to fix my legs, and I do t think that he is never gonna let that happen.
Futile as it seems, I am just posting this (really) so that if anyone comes along later looking at my accounts they will see it. I'm not the first person he was with in this kind of situation...the guy before me overdosed.
There should really be an accounting. I hope.

[Uneunsae]

Firstly, I hope you are able to leave this situation. Your family would be even more worried if they knew what was going. They would feel relieved for you to leave this person, and I'm sure your mother worries since she knew from the beginning that this guy is trouble. This is assuming all the stuff you said he does to you is actual abuse. You said you're ashamed of being with him, so I don't know what's really going on, but trying to help you out.

Secondly, you need to find out why you are attracted to guys like this. A therapist can help you with this. Don't date anyone else until you get to the bottom of this.

[deepu69]

Think of ways to move on. I hope there would be atleast one person whom you can trust. A person who can help you get out of this. Don't think about financial matters now. Once you are emotionally free, new venues will open up. Options that you may have discarded because your husband didn't approve.
Best of luck.

[Borg69]

He's taking care of you and your bills... what's the problem? That doesn't sound like abuse to me. I also don't understand how he can have you arrested for leaving. No law against that, unless you stole his car.

We need more details.

[Uneunsae]

I just want to point out that even if someone pays all your bills, that doesn't give them license to treat you badly. Just a general statement - I don't know the specifics of the OP's situation.

[TwisttheLeaf]

Are you certain, when the time comes to have your surgery to correct your disability, that your husband will actually let it happen?

It sounds like the disability is a tool he is using to keep you trapped. He may not be willing to relinquish it.

[Anonymous]

How did he have me arrested? Well, it is a long complicated story, but basically this: the day before I was supposed to leave he talked me into going with him to one of his friend's houses out in the country. After we got there, he informed me that we would be staying there for the entire weekend and he took my bag with my medicine (and my house keys and my money and my car keys) away and locked it in his car. While there, he and his friend tried to persuade me that I should stay with him. Eventually, after about 18 hours of them harassing me to stay with him, I took my walker and started the long walk down the country road headed back to the interstate. I had hoped someone would come along and feel sorry for me and pick me up and take me home. Instead, a police cruiser showed up. The police arrested me. I was charged with threatening a police officer (which I didn't do), and taken to jail. The next day I was taken in front of a judge and he told me he was releasing me to my husband. I called a lawyer and he said that the charges against me were serious and that I cannot leave the state. That was 3 years ago, and even though I have yet to go to court even once the charges are still pending. A few weeks after all of this happened, the person who's house this happened atI wascalled me and confessed that she had been there when my husband called his friend the judge and had the police come get me.

For the poster who said "he is paying your bill, I don't see the problem...". Yes, he is paying all of the bills, but he chooses which bills to pay. Like for my surgery. Or finishing college (i onky have 2 semesters of college left but i doubt he will ever let me finish). And not all abuse is physical. He doesn't hit me, but he blames me for EVERYTHING. Every problem in his life is, according to him, my fault.