Therapist convinced my boyfriend to refrain from sex

[Evan]

My boyfriend has been seeing a therapist for a while now because of some anxiety issues. It’s really nothing too serious and I don’t think he needs therapy, but if he feels he does, then who am I to say he can't. However, this 'therapist’ isn’t really a therapist: she’s one of those alternative medicine (read: non-effective bullshit) kind of therapists. It annoys the hell out of me, because in my view all she does is take his money and sell him nonsense. However, it's his therapist, not mine, so I've kept my mouth shut because he's free to decide what kind of help he wants.

Up until last week.

We were making out in bed when all of a sudden he stops and says "there’s something I have to tell you and you’re not going to like it." I asked him "what?!”, thinking he cheated or something. He then proceeds to tell me his therapist said refraining from sex for a while would be helpful since it would "clear his mind and body” and some nonsense about energy stuff (What the...?! ). I just laughed and looked like he was insane, but he gave me this dead serious look, then got pissed and said I wasn’t taking him seriously. I told him he couldn't be fucking serious, still kind of shocked and hoping he was joking. Well, surprise! Turns out he wasn't. It's been a week and he still doesn't want to do anything more than making out.

I am most definitely not happy about this, and honestly it kind of irritates me. Now please don't think this is about the sex; I can easily do without for a while, as long as there's a good reason. But deciding on your own because of some bullshit therapist that you wanna quit sex altogether, that's just selfish.

Now he's mad at me for not being more understanding and "pushing him to do something he's not comfortable doing", which is total bullcrap if you ask me. How can it be that some so-called 'therapist’ decides something so drastic as to refrain from sex completely, I hear about it right before I think we’re gonna do it, then when I don’t immediately happily accept it, I am being an unsupportive jerk?

Am I really in the wrong here? Again, it's not the sex (well maybe partly); it's the fact that they decided without even asking me, behind my back, while I think I'm quite a big part of this! It's cool if he wants to see a crappy therapist, just as long as it doesn't affect me. Which now, it does.

I'd just like to know if it's really that weird for me to be irritated by this. It's causing a lot of fights between the two of us right now and as you can probably tell frustrates the hell out of me.

Sorry if this has turned more into a rant than anything else.

[Iceblink]

Yes, it sounds odd to me also for a therapist to say that, but one of problems I see is that you are getting his interpretation of what she said and you can't be sure he is not misinterpreting what she said. If she said it, you can't be sure he shared everything in their conversation together that led to her saying that. In addition to this therapist for him, maybe you two should find a counselor that you two can go to together.

[LJay]

Try to be patient and ask him if he would consider getting a second opinion, like from a licensed therapist.

[Bhp91126]

Not that I believe for one second that that therapists suggestion has any merit at all, you need to become more part of his therapy and be part of the solution, instead of rejecting her completely. Right now the situation for your bf is you vs. his therapist. You need to be very involved in what she's telling him and how he translates it into his life. If you were, they couldn't have pulled the no-sex stunt without your knowledge. Start questioning things, like what is he trying to achieve? "Clear his body and mind" is just some new-age BS, but there must be a goal behind it. Work with your boyfriend to achieve that goal, and maybe you can cut his celibacy short.

[Cuddly]

I always felt like sex cleansed my body and soul . . . Didn't some scientists even prove that sex could cure stress related headaches and therefore the "no sex tonight cuz headache" was nulled?

You were a bit unreasonable, but I would've reacted much the same way to being blueballed like that. I do think you should tell him that you, ofcourse, support him in whatever he decides, but that you think this particular therapeutic advice is insane.

[Iceblink]

I do agree with LJay. See if you can possibly talk him into going to someone licensed by the state. In many places you can go to a weekend seminar about therapy at a Holiday Inn and then start calling yourself a therapist and get an official looking certificate from the company to put on your wall.

[Wardo94]

Well, on one side, I do wanna' say I know how you feel about therapist thing. I've had the same issue with my ex at the time. Not sex, but he was seeing a therapist. And at first it seemed fine. But I kept hearing more stories about their sessions, and she just sounded very unprofessional and I felt like it was doing no help for him at all. But I didn't budge into it cause' it wasn't any of my business. Now about your ordeal. I can't sit here and agree with you or the therapist cause' I don't have that much information. Like specific reasons why he attends the therapist, and more info' on why she decided that refraining from sex would help and help what. One thing therapists should never do is put their two cents in when speaking with the client/patient. They are supposed to let them find out whatever the issue is, themselves. Overall, it is a bit weird. But you should try to be more understanding with him and stick it out to see how everything goes. I'm not saying you're wrong, but you won't get anything out of bickering with him and pointing fingers. Be understanding and supportive and you may see a light of things later on or you guys may be able to talk about it on a calmer state of mind.

[Uneunsae]

In many cases, refraining from sex is actually helpful in resolving certain issues for certain people. It's kind of odd that the response has been that the therapist must not know what she's talking about. And there are cases where refraining from sex is necessary for healing. You may not have experienced such an issue, but that doesn't meant that other people haven't.

A therapist might have suggested it to him, but he obviously agrees that it's something he wants to do. I DO think it's selfish to force him to have sex if he doesn't want to right now. He's in therapy for a reason; there are things he needs to work on and wounds that may need healing. If I made a decision to abstain for a period of time, I'd want my partner to be supportive. I don't understand what the big deal is, TBH. It seems selfish to have a reaction of "OMG we can't have sex!! But *I* want to and I don't care what you think! We should have sex or else YOU are the selfish one!"

I would expect a lot more passion and understanding from my partner. Now he might not want to open up to you and discuss it because of your initial reaction. That doesn't mean he shouldn't have brought it up at a better time - he should have, especially before making out.

[Iceblink]

In many cases, refraining from sex is actually helpful in resolving certain issues for certain people. It's kind of odd that the response has been that the therapist must not know what she's talking about. And there are cases where refraining from sex is necessary for healing. You may not have experienced such an issue, but that doesn't meant that other people haven't.

This could be, but if it is true that the therapist gave this advice concerning the intimacy between a couple in a serious, committed relationship and then did not suggest, as I did here earlier, that there be some counseling with the couple together, I think that sends up some serious red flags about the legitimacy of this this therapist.

[Uneunsae]

Usually, a therapist will suggest bringing your partner, but they don't force you to before giving advice. It was the boyfriend's job to have a conversation with the OP.