Therapist convinced my boyfriend to refrain from sex

[meninlove]

Go to see that therapist as well Evan. She has to understand this is a relationship.

[Borg69]

Are his anxiety issues related to sex?

[TwisttheLeaf]

....she’s one of those alternative medicine (read: non-effective bullshit) kind of therapists

I would advise you to look into him getting a licensed therapist/psychologist. If he feels he needs therapy and he's going to be forking the money over for a therapist, then get one that did their time in university and earned their career.

That said... if the therapist is an actual licensed therapist/psychologist, I think it's time you ask if you can join your boyfriend in some sessions.

I also think it's time you stop thinking so selfishly. I'm sorry to tell you but there -are- certain types of trauma and issues that healing from requires one to abstain for a bit in order to heal.

In any relationship, especially a partnership of the heart, empathy is extremely important. You choosing this route of being the injured party, instead of the understanding and supportive partner.... I doubt it will end well for you or your relationship.

[Uneunsae]

Agreed, make sure she is licensed.

[East]

I would ask him to help you understand the motivation behind the request to abstain...

I think it is a fair question as you and he are in a relationship. If he is willing to elaborate...make sure he feels safe enough to tell you and just let him talk instead of challenging him or his therapist.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Celibacy is a good suggestion for many individuals depending on their issues and what they are working on.

It is up to the patient and what the patient is dealing with.

http://www.princeton.edu/~achaney/tmve/w...nence.html

Sexual abstinence is the practice of refraining from some or all aspects of sexual activity for medical, psychological, legal, social or religious reasons.

(blah blah blah)
psycho-sociological reasons (e.g., clinical depression, social anxiety disorder, increasing testosterone in males, or negative past experiences)

(Truncated for length)

While sure you have a right to be upset, even angry over the way this news was delivered - waiting until the heat of passion to tell you - there may be a need for him.

it's the fact that they decided without even asking me, behind my back, while I think I'm quite a big part of this! It's cool if he wants to see a crappy therapist, just as long as it doesn't affect me. Which now, it does.

Therapy is a private matter, and spouse or no, what goes on in that room is between him and his therapist unless he wants to tell you what happened. They are plotting behind your back in that room ALL THE TIME. That is pretty much what happens in therapy.

This is not about you, Just for the record here. He is going to a therapist because he feels that he has a problem that he needs help with. So this is about HIM.

Your attitude with his choice of therapist is YOUR problem. Especially if he is actually finding these sessions are working for him.

I do validate your feelings about how it was brought to your attention that....

To deny him this experimental therapy (all therapy is experimental) is wrong.

To punish him for attempting to work on or solve whatever issues he has with whatever tools he can acquire is not very nice, and will (undoubtedly) only create more issues for him to have to work on.

Let it go. Relax. You got hands if the urge is that strong.

Let him have his space and try this out.

[AlohaShannon]

Uneunsae made some excellent points. There are MANY reasons for abstaining from sex as a therapeutic tool. For instance, sex addicts need to break their cycle of addiction through abstinence. Your boyfriend could use sex as a way to hide from his anxiety without actually dealing with the problem. If this is the case, then abstaining is a great option. There is obviously a reason that the therapist suggested this type of behavioral therapy. Bear in mind, you don't know exactly what is being discussed during the sessions. I do believe you are being a bit insensitive; your boyfriend finds value in the therapist's recommendation. Your belief that the therapist is out of her mind isn't far from saying that your boyfriend is also nuts for following the recommendation. The therapist didn't decide that your boyfriend shouldn't have sex; HE made the decision. I don't feel that your boyfriend is under any obligation to ASK you if he can abstain from sex for a little while. Ultimately, it is his choice.

On the other hand, I do believe that since this particular therapeutic method affects you, your boyfriend could have done a better job communicating with you.

One thing to keep in mind, refraining from sex gives you both the opportunity to develop a level of intimacy that transcends intercourse. The connection that can be gained from this is incredible and can ultimately strengthen your relationship rather than be something that tears you two apart.

Even though the "working on the body and soul" rationale may sound like new age therapy, this method of behavioral therapy is not. Try to be supportive and understanding; after all, sex is only one dimension of the relationship. Communication is so much more vital and there is obviously an issue there between you two (since he was not comfortable bringing it up before you two were getting hot and heavy).

[Adam]

There are so many untrained "therapists" out there, it's downright scary. In the US, the term "therapist" is not regulated in any way. You and I could set up shop and start dispensing "wisdom".
What concerns me is that he seems to be very much under her influence. I doubt that he would accept a different therapist at this point. Would he be willing to let you attend one or more of his sessions? You could approach it from the angle of wanting to understand more fully. If you ask her sensible and respectful questions about what theories her suggestions are based on, maybe he'll come to see that her advice is based on nothing solid.
I fully understand your exasperation with seeing him buy into a bunch of flimsy new age logic. I hope he wakes up to it soon.

[Charon]

Several things occur to me, all of them unpleasant. The first, and easiest, is that this alleged therapist is a loon. A graduate of the EST school of "getting in touch with yourself" (and, no, they didn't mean jacking off.) I would bet if absolutely pushed she could not produce any sort of formal training beyond whatever classes in psychology or sociology she may have taken IF she went to school. Where is her office? Behind an alternative medicine shop that's only one step above street vendors in Hong Kong or Mumbai where you can buy ground Rhino tusk for your lumbago. Any doctor (you know, the sort who went to medical school, had internships, that sort of bullshit before they pronounced themselves ready to help the ailing public. Also, does this quackess know that the first line of the Hippocratic Oath states, "First Do No Harm". And that doesn't always just include the patient.)
But, step in to my lab, this Doctor (Phd) has some prescient ideas and suggestions. First, I would seriously worry that what this person is secretly doing is trying to "straighten out" a gay man. It's not unheard of. I suspect that in her meta vision of things she's more of a "life coach" than anything else, and, by the way, they don't give degrees in "life coaching", football coaching, sexual therapy coaching, ping pong coaching but not life coaching. Have I in my omniscient role of "The Good Doctor" a suggestion? I do. You can't blame him entirely for falling under the spell of someone who is, to him, affirming but in reality is a charlatan-your local medical licensing board would take a very dim view of her representing herself as a "therapist". (Keep that thought in mind.) Here are a few suggestions.
1. Refrain from sex with him but...ask him if that means you have to refrain from sex yourself? Is masturbation forbidden to you since that's your only direct sex outlet.
2. Take a very lively interest in his "sessions". The moment he comes from one question him-in a non threatening way-about what they did? What were her suggestions? How can you become more participatory in his recovery?
3. Seem to ponder for a day or two and then....suggest that since she's making suggestions that deal with both of you, wouldn't it be wise to have sessions occasionally with the two of you? The stupid cow "deserves" to know the person on whom her ideas are being visited.
4. IF she will not agree to a joint session, remember what I said about licensing...
5. When the two of you are with this adulterated fraud, fall apart, fall into his arms, her arms, weep, bawl, when you think......that what you've done is "block him"-a therapists term. You see the light, you see how poorly you've treated him, you'll bite the bullet, you'll go away and the two of them will have a much easier time of it. \
6. Watch him blanch. Watch her blanch. (each for very different reasons) and sit back and watch her back peddle. IF she is trying to straighten him out, then she'll have learned a valuable lessons about fucking around with other people's lives. If she's (as I suspect) simply someone who thought, "Hey, last year I couldn't even spell therapist and now I are one" then she's going into a tail spin as she's fucked up two men as well as her own highly questionable "practice".

I take note of the fact that your friend was already flirting with alternatives and it's really unfortunate that he found her, not the end of the rainbow. Certainly I do believe therapy has a point and a place but she has no point and he has not place being near this bilker from a galaxy far, far away.

Now, if someone will help me down from my soap box....the attractive man with the silver crew cut, you sir, yes, thanks. Now, could I buy you a drink or an ice cream cone for your kindness......?

[HumbleTangerine]

Oh God, I'd be really annoyed too. Not because the lack of sex but the fact that some alternative medicine bullshit is making my boyfriend advocate temporary celibacy. I guess you could try to explain how illegitimate his therapist seems to be and try to persuade him to change into something more professional. But, I mean, if he does believe firmly in the energy cleansing no-sex therapy then I guess there's not much you can do.

If that ever happened to me it'd be the end of my relationship because I'd laugh hysterically for like 10 minutes and he'd leave me. Hopefully you can be a little more understanding and nice!