Therapist convinced my boyfriend to refrain from sex

[MikeW]

First, Evan, I want to commend you on what looks to me like an honest answer. I do believe you're really trying. The problem is, you don't know where the lines are drawn and why they're drawn the way they are. Lets explore...

...I’m not sure how to explain how I feel about this, but let me try.

First off, he used to have some serious anxiety issues (most of them having to do with the fact that he’s been bullied for being gay for years and was physically assaulted two years ago because of it too). However, he’s had therapy, medication and whatnot, and when we met for the first time supposedly he was fine/cured whatever. ...

And so you're beginning to have a life lesson about psychological and emotional damage. You may be a person who has escaped the kind of psychological damage some of us have endured, especially in our early years. This kind of damage may be 'healed' (more or less) but it often leaves scars. I call those of us who are like this "wounded warriors." Specifically, "wounded warriors of love." It is a wounding in the heart that has its roots way, way back. In some instances these roots can even be trans-personal (we'll avoid getting into what that means).

The thing is... he’s told me the problems have come back since we’ve been together. To be honest that made me feel really crappy, because I don’t understand how our relationship could cause the same feelings he had back then.

That's right, you don't understand. I don't either, exactly, but that doesn't matter. What matters is this is his truth. He thought they were gone and they may very well have been in remission (so to say) but now they're back.

The first thing you need to try and understand is, this isn't personal, not exactly. As you acknowledged, it isn't about 'you'; not exactly. You and your relationship are not *the cause* of his feelings. However, that said, somehow or other you and the relationship are "triggering" these feelings. Try to understand the difference between "causing" and "triggering". A fragrance can remind me of something that happened long ago. The fragrance doesn't "cause" the memory (the memory was caused by the events that got recorded in the mind); the fragrance "triggers" the memory, brings it to consciousness again, through association in some way. See the difference?

A relationship is supposed to make you happy, not make you run off to a therapist. It makes me feel like I am doing something wrong.

You're heart appears to be in the right place. The only thing you're doing "wrong" is not understanding what is happening, what it means. This isn't a fault, it's just a fact. We'll get more into that.

All this wouldn’t be a problem if he would just talk to me about it. Let me know what is bothering him, what I need to do to help him. But he won’t talk to me. I’ve tried so hard to understand what’s going on and what I can do to help, but I feel like he’s just blocking me out.

Consider the possibility (I don't know his side of the story) that it isn't that he "won't" (will not) talk with you, but that he is "unable" (can not) talk with you (at least not yet). Not necessarily because of 'you', Evan, but because of something about you or in the relationship is triggering his wounding. Consider the possibility that he is seeking therapy because he, himself, does not understand what is going on and therefore doesn't "know how" to talk about it. Consider the possibility that you "can not" help him except in the sense of being open, patient, supportive--all the while legitimately feeling confused, cut off and left out. You don't understand what is going on… well, consider that he may not either! And, apparently, he doesn't feel safe enough to try and figure it out *with* you (yet). He's looking for guidance from someone he trusts, someone with no 'dog in the game' so to say.

Instead of talking to me about it, he goes to some woman he doesn’t even know, then decides not being intimate with me is part of the solution. Communication is supposed to be one of the most important aspects of a relationship, and I feel like that’s exactly everything we lack. I just feel really left out, and like it’s my fault.

Right, you feel left out because you are being left out. However, it isn't your "fault". What is going on here is no one's "fault" anymore than when it rains it is anyone's "fault". This isn't about being "at fault". It is about trying to understand ourselves as human beings, what makes us the way we are? How come life can be a bed of roses one minute and the next minute it all turns to shit?

I don't know your partner's story beyond what little you've written here. But from that I'm going to suggest that people who have been abused often have "boundary issues" (among many other things). Imagine, for a moment, that you had been violated by someone, perhaps repeatedly. Your personal boundaries weren't respected, you were violated and then abandoned, left to 'deal with it'. You may pull yourself together as best you can and get on with your life but the psychic disturbance (thoughts, feelings, pain, confusion) from the violation doesn't just "go away". It may become suppressed, even repressed (they're different dynamics), but the scar remains. It may be very sensitive to 'the touch'. It can get 'triggered', brought back into consciousness, easily--and sometimes in unexpected ways. This can be very confusing for anyone. Those of us who suffer from this kind of thing sometimes can not tell the difference between what is going on in the present, now, from what was going on in the past--because they feel the same way--even if they are different circumstances.

I call this "emotional memory." Sometimes what we feel in the present comes from the past but we don't see that. For example, how much of your present feeling of being "blocked out" is due to what your partner is doing (or not doing), and how much of it comes from times in your past when you've felt the same way? This is tricky. If you haven't explored your own past and how it has shaped your emotional responses (or reactions, as the case may be), you might not ever notice that how you're feeling 'right now' may be fueled, at least in part (sometimes a large part), by the past.

Yes, there is most definitely a fence, but I’ve tried so hard to break it down.

Have you considered that for someone who has been violated, "breaking down the fence" could feel threatening? Usually people build fences and walls when they're trying to protect something, such as their own sense of self. His clamming up to feel safe leaves you feeling "left out", hurt, annoyed, angry, abandoned. Try to understand that there isn't anything wrong with *either* of those positions--except that, perhaps, they fuel each other negatively. This is a dynamic that is acting itself out in your relationship and it is something that *both* of you need to understand if the relationship is going to survive.

So yes, maybe I am not being understanding, but it’s because I don’t understand, even though I’ve genuinely tried to. I think so much of this could be resolved if he would just confide in me, which apparently he doesn’t. I can’t even put into words how awful and left out I feel.

I guess maybe this celibacy thing was the last straw. I just irritates me that he won’t talk to me and acts like it’s no big deal (and it doesn’t look like one either), but then apparently does feel the need to talk to a stranger and make big decisions like this. I just don’t get it.

I think you're a good, intelligent, caring person who has all the best intentions. I hope therefore you won't be offended when I point out how whiney this last bit sounded. You're disappointed, frustrated, angry and so on… and you can hear it even in your typing 'voice'. This is 'little boy Evan' emoting the past in the present, stamping your foot to get your way. Don't get me wrong. I'm one of the worlds biggest whiners when I don't get my way LOL!!! Problem with whining is, it's a one-down position. It's a position of frustration rather than power (the position of a child rather than that of an adult). It's *almost always* an emotional memory being triggered from our childhood by a present circumstance. It *often* (LOL) shows up when we're not "getting our way" or "getting what we want" (pout pout). (Just pay attention to when you find yourself pouting and you'll see what I mean by this.)

Kind of odd how typing this out on here makes me realize what I’m really so frustrated about….

LOL! Welcome to therapy!!! HAHA.

I've noticed that you have an attitude about therapists. I don't know where this comes from in you. Is it from some personal experience? Is it from attitudes of other people around you that you've adopted? Is it from watching TV or a movie? What the hell do you know about "therapists"?

My bias is the opposite: If it weren't for "therapists" I wouldn't be sitting here typing to you. I would have been dead long, long ago, either by killing myself outright or overdosing on drugs or alcohol. I owe my life to therapists and one in particular. I'm not saying that all therapists or all therapeutic methodologies are legit. They're not. Far from it, in fact. BUT, there are some absolutely amazing people who are truly gifted at being a deep mirror for other human souls. At one time, as I neared 30, I seriously considered becoming one myself (actually matriculated into a program). At one point in one of my own sessions, however, I thought to myself, "Jesus, no way in hell could I sit here hour after hour listening patiently and intently to all these crazy people bitch and moan about their fucked up lives. I'd want to slap them up-side the head and tell them to stop complaining and get a fucking life already!" LOL At that moment I realized, nah, you couldn't PAY me enough to do that!

Although I've met some real creeps, all in all I respect therapists and what they are trying to do. Especially the good ones, the ones who know how to listen with the heart and give back just the right response that helps untie those nasty, confusing knots we like to tie ourselves up in.

I'll conclude with this: This isn't about "faults" yours or his. It is about "responsibilities". What is your responsibility to him and what is your responsibility to yourself? This is where we get beyond whining and get into our 'adult' mindset. You cannot 'fix' your BFs problems. No one can 'fix' anyone else; its all any of us can do to 'fix' ourselves. Your BF's problems are not your problems. Now, obviously, that's not to say his problems don't affect you and your relationship--obviously they do. The reverse is equally true; your less than conscious reactions and behavior are your responsibility, not his AND they are affecting the relationship. (You may not think you have any problems but that can be a problem in itself. None of us are perfect, no matter how good our intentions are or how hard we try. We all have *much* to learn--about ourselves, about life, about relationships, and so on).

So what I'm getting at here is you have to take responsibility for your own feelings and your own actions, just as he has to do the same. Now, hopefully, within that, perhaps as all this becomes more clear, everyone will begin to understand and own their piece of the puzzle and begin to take responsibility for it.

In the mean time, much of what Camfer has to say has truth in it as well. Indeed, "crazy people end up making crazy demands." But it also isn't quite that simple. One of the things I learned in my last relationship is that it *is* possible for two people to love one another, even quite deeply, and *still* be completely "wrong" for one another. In the sense that it is possible for them to be, despite their best intentions, the exact opposite of what the other needs. In my case, we ended up re-wounding one another. Neither of us intended it to happen but just by "being ourselves" we did.

There's a whole psychological principal there that is too early in the morning to get into. The bare bones of it is simply this: Unresolved emotional wounding will often recreate situations in the present that parallel or reflect the original wounding. This often happens in our most passionate and intimate relationships. The human psyche, and especially our unconscious, is an incredibly powerful force. It shapes our lives whether we're consciously aware of it or not.

You're ok. You're not doing anything wrong. You have as much right to your feelings and your truth as your BF has to his. You do have a lot to learn, as we all do. Try to keep a bit of an open mind about that. You're right, this isn't about you, but, at the same time, in an interesting way, yes, it is. It's about you learning to be an adult in an adult relationship. I look forward to hearing how your meeting with your BFs therapists feels to you--and how all this turns out.

[sillyboy86]

First: I'm glad to see you around.

Regards the situation with your BF I imagine how you feel, especially about the "fake" therapist... Also, if I'm not wrong, I remember your BF is a young guy, so a figure like a therapist may be capable of some kind of influence on him. Not in a wrong way, but the experience and blahblah (also the experience IN blahblah) ... You know.
It seems to me he's trusting him more than you, and imho there's not many things you can do, you have to be patient with him and supportive... But you've always seemed a supportive person.
You can try to create a situation where he shouldn't need the support of a therapist.