No sex in a relationship.....

[Zurdoknoc]

Hi all:
I am in a monogamous relationship with a man who is 56 years old. I am 38 years old. I completely in love with him after 2 years of being together We have traveled. We have had ups and downs etc. I want him happy. For the last year (at least) our sexual life has been becoming less frequent or absent. It is not me the one not wanting it , feeling attracted to him or just having the need to make love with your man. He has to take cialis to get an erection. I don't think that is the problem. He has admitted he doesn't have a sex drive
Months go by(2 or 3) and I can't resist anymore and I ask for sex. Because of that request we do it. The other day he admitted he gets turned off when I ask for sex. On the other side in 2 years he has never asked for it or even initiate sexual contact All this is now affecting me emotionally and mentally. I don't know what to do. He gets irritated when we talk about it. E as never mentioned he will ask the doctor about the low or none sex drive he doesn't want me to start or even ask for sex. Internally I'm devastated. I feel I'm I'm in a dead and he has the way to take me out but he won't do it. I'm not asking for sex daily weekly or even by weekly. I'm just asking to have sex every now and then. He does not allow an open relationship. I don't want a sexless relationship. Lately I have been considering to have a steady sex buddy and don't tell him. Sounds horrible but feels horrible being in a situation like this. I'm devastated and I don't know what to do. Please advice

[East]

Communication is essential if you want to continue with the relationship.....

...and doing it sooner than later is also important because the effect this is having on you is undermining who you are as an individual and as a couple. Hopefully you can talk about this soon because when it starts to define you as an individual...or a couple...it will be much harder, if not impossible, to overcome.

I think the steady sex buddy thing is a very bad idea if it is a "secret"...you will be sacrificing who you are because you will be lying to him (which I personally think is much worse than having sex with someone else)....self respect is something you shouldn't sacrifice......

He may stonewall you or refuse to communicate or try to redirect and turn it back on you if he feels threatened...you should be prepared for that. You should also consider what your options are if he refuses to participate in the conversation.

If finding a sex partner is your final option...I don't necessarily think that is such a bad thing if that is what it takes to make it work...but DO tell him about it before you proceed.

Good Luck to you both

[Adam]

This has come up a few times lately - and people have pretty much agreed that getting the testosterone level checked always needs to be the first step. If he is embarrassed to talk to his doctor about lack of sexual desire, he could simply ask to have his levels checked because he has less energy or something like that.
Letting things go on the way they are is just going to cause more resentment and dissatisfaction on your part --- and I agree with East, cheating isn't the answer because it will affect your view of yourself as a person.
If he absolutely refuses to deal with this, then you really have to do some serious thinking about whether the relationship is going to continue to work for you.

[Borg69]

As long as you have two hands, you're never in a sexless relationship.

"But I did that before I was in a relationship!!"

Yes... but did you have the companionship, love, trust, other intimacies ... , person you're sharing your life with now?

[Bluelight]

Well, he IS 56 years old, and you are substantially younger than him. Maybe he's feeling embarrassed about his problem and spiteful because you're still young, and that's why he's making this such an impossible situation. I'm not saying he's selfish, just that perhaps he doesn't realize the affect he's having on your life.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Print up what you said to us and hand it to him. Then walk away and allow him time to read and absorb your words.

Apparently he doesn't want to talk about it with you or his doctor, so now its just a matter of informing him that because of X I feel Y and let him do the algebra.

It might change the situation if he knows how you feel about it, how it hurts and how you are entertaining getting relief elsewhere. Might doesn't mean will.

If it doesn't work then your options are limited. Stick with it and take one for the home team (sexless relationship) or dissolve this relationship and try to find a partner who can satisfy you in this area.

While I can understand how the idea of cheating may appeal on various levels, you already know that won't end well - and it won't. So that is not a viable option.

Sorry.

[TwisttheLeaf]

I think Bowyn Aerrow's advice is really sound. You say that he refuses to talk about it, so brooching the subject without a "starter" is going to be extremely difficult.

Printing out what you've written here and giving it to him to read prior to beginning a conversation wiill help get over that first roadblock.

You need to approach it in a way such as.... "I really need you to read this and then talk about it with me. Please. I love you and I'm scared."

Something along those lines that will get him to both read carefully, then be open to at least trying to start the communication process.

[Uneunsae]

"I really need you to read this and then talk about it with me. Please. I love you and I'm scared."

I wish, with all my heart, that more people knew how to say these words.

[saif1232]

I say you must speak to him about it and make some kind of compromisation, it is unfair for him to shut sex out and not allow you to be with other guys (DO NOT DO IT BEHIND HIS BACK), however, do clarify that you need it once in a while in order to be happy with your relationship

[anothergaynerd]

Well, I'm not the best person to give advice on the subject(19 year old hormonal virgin)

But I follow an advice blog on tumblr, and came across something relatively similar. Maybe it'll help?

Just google Dear Coquette - lesbian bed death

The gist of it is you need to try to confront him and explain your needs. Tell him that you love him, and that you will be romantically monogamous with him no matter what, but you have sexually needs that aren't being fulfilled.