Sex &Relationship : I want more sex than he does.

[Anthony]

Hello!
I need some advice. I've been living with a guy I'm in a relationship for 4 months now.
I always want to have sex with him, but he doesn't want it as often as I do. To be honest, I want it everyday even though that's unlikely. We usually have sex 3 times a week approx. Every time we have sex, it is always great and amazing that keeps me wanting more. He told me once that sex is not the first thing in a relationship. I try to get him in a mood by giving him massage, do something for him. But he ended up telling me that "We're not gonna have sex tonight. I want to rest. "

I understand that after a long day he may've wanted to relax and not do it. But for me even I'm tired from work, I always want to make love with my boyfriend. I always get hard easily when I'm with him, I don't want to masturbate (because I want to do it with him) but I do if I'm horny enough. Is there a problem with him or in this case? What should I do?

Thank you for your advice.

[MikeW]

Hello!
I need some advice. I've been living with a guy I'm in a relationship for 4 months now.
I always want to have sex with him, but he doesn't want it as often as I do. To be honest, I want it everyday even though that's unlikely. We usually have sex 3 times a week approx. Every time we have sex, it is always great and amazing that keeps me wanting more. He told me once that sex is not the first thing in a relationship. I try to get him in a mood by giving him massage, do something for him. But he ended up telling me that "We're not gonna have sex tonight. I want to rest. "

I understand that after a long day he may've wanted to relax and not do it. But for me even I'm tired from work, I always want to make love with my boyfriend. I always get hard easily when I'm with him, I don't want to masturbate (because I want to do it with him) but I do if I'm horny enough. Is there a problem with him or in this case? What should I do?

Thank you for your advice.

Welcome to the forum. Hope you stick around.

Men aren't all alike. This includes their sexual drive and interest. I can understand your frustration.

So... what to do about it?

First of all you and your guy need to have an honest conversation about sex, what you enjoy, what you don't, what turns you on, what doesn't. This conversation need not happen all at once. It can be part of getting to know one another. But you need t have some kind of understanding...

For example, if you're feeling sexually frustrated in the relationship, at what point are you going to also feel that the relationship isn't working for you? ... or that you need more sex from someone (anyone) than you're getting from your partner? This is a big deal if the two of you haven't negotiated some sort of arrangement around it.

The reality is, not all gay men are sexually comparable for one reason or another. But you're not going to be able to get at the heart of the matter until you've both truly been honest with yourself and one another about what you desire (and don't).

You haven't told us a lot about your relationship. What is it that is holding you together? Do you get along in a lot of other ways? Do you love one another...or at least feel that you do some of the time? Do you have particular 'roles' (dom/sub top/bottom or w/e) rolls that you take on?

I'm not saying you need to tell US the answer to these questions. They're personal so you may not want to share that. Which is fine. What I am saying is that getting at the bottom of this or the heart of the problem means understanding yourselves very well... and finding some way to negotiate this issue.

Or... coming to the realization you're not sexually comparable and then deciding how you want to deal with that. I mean, there ARE gay relationships that are NOT sexual. The two men love one another but they have sex outside the relationship. That's just one possibility among many.

[Anthony]

Welcome to the forum. Hope you stick around.

Men aren't all alike. This includes their sexual drive and interest. I can understand your frustration.

So... what to do about it?

First of all you and your guy need to have an honest conversation about sex, what you enjoy, what you don't, what turns you on, what doesn't. This conversation need not happen all at once. It can be part of getting to know one another. But you need t have some kind of understanding...

For example, if you're feeling sexually frustrated in the relationship, at what point are you going to also feel that the relationship isn't working for you? ... or that you need more sex from someone (anyone) than you're getting from your partner? This is a big deal if the two of you haven't negotiated some sort of arrangement around it.

The reality is, not all gay men are sexually comparable for one reason or another. But you're not going to be able to get at the heart of the matter until you've both truly been honest with yourself and one another about what you desire (and don't).

You haven't told us a lot about your relationship. What is it that is holding you together? Do you get along in a lot of other ways? Do you love one another...or at least feel that you do some of the time? Do you have particular 'roles' (dom/sub top/bottom or w/e) rolls that you take on?

I'm not saying you need to tell US the answer to these questions. They're personal so you may not want to share that. Which is fine. What I am saying is that getting at the bottom of this or the heart of the problem means understanding yourselves very well... and finding some way to negotiate this issue.

Or... coming to the realization you're not sexually comparable and then deciding how you want to deal with that. I mean, there ARE gay relationships that are NOT sexual. The two men love one another but they have sex outside the relationship. That's just one possibility among many.

Thank you for your answer.
I don't want to have sex outside the relationship, neither does he. We get along in many ways we think the same way and we love each other. He is the kind of person that doesn't say I love you a lot but instead he shows it. For sex life, I'm a bottom and he's top. I am HIV positive which he is totally fine with it because I told him since we started hanging out. He told me before he wouldn't have sex with me, but he did anyway (with and without condom sometime) I'm concern if he doesn't use condom but he told me he doesn't care because he feels like we are connected together.

[MikeW]

Thank you for your answer.
I don't want to have sex outside the relationship, neither does he. We get along in many ways we think the same way and we love each other. He is the kind of person that doesn't say I love you a lot but instead he shows it. For sex life, I'm a bottom and he's top. I am HIV positive which he is totally fine with it because I told him since we started hanging out. He told me before he wouldn't have sex with me, but he did anyway (with and without condom sometime) I'm concern if he doesn't use condom but he told me he doesn't care because he feels like we are connected together.

Ok, so how are you two going to work this out so you're both satisfied with the relationship? Because right now, you've come to us stating there's a problem. For you.

[Anthony]

Ok, so how are you two going to work this out so you're both satisfied with the relationship? Because right now, you've come to us stating there's a problem. For you.

I mean besides the fact that he doesn't want sex as much as I do. He loves me and we get along together. But for this point I don't know how to start to talk to him.

[MikeW]

I mean besides the fact that he doesn't want sex as much as I do. He loves me and we get along together. But for this point I don't know how to start to talk to him.

Ok... help me understand what you're saying here because to me its obvious. You set him down and say "__________, I love you but I'm feeling sexually frustrated and not sure what we can do about it. I'm hoping we can have an honest and supportive conversation about this." ...

Those are my words. Whatever words work for you.

For example I'd be curious to know, does he just have a lower sex drive than you do? Or...does his 'needing to rest' have more to do with some underlying fear of contracting HIV?

See... none of us here know you as well as you know one another. If you have as strong a bond as you say you do, then you should be able to have an honest conversation about this subject. A conversation that does NOT get into an argument [typo, left out the "not" before edit], doesn't get into blaming or defensiveness... none of that. Just finding out what you both want and need to keep the relationship healthy.

[Anthony]

Ok... help me understand what you're saying here because to me its obvious. You set him down and say "__________, I love you but I'm feeling sexually frustrated and not sure what we can do about it. I'm hoping we can have an honest and supportive conversation about this." ...

Those are my words. Whatever words work for you.

For example I'd be curious to know, does he just have a lower sex drive than you do? Or...does his 'needing to rest' have more to do with some underlying fear of contracting HIV?

See... none of us here know you as well as you know one another. If you have as strong a bond as you say you do, then you should be able to have an honest conversation about this subject. A conversation that does NOT get into an argument [typo, left out the "not" before edit], doesn't get into blaming or defensiveness... none of that. Just finding out what you both want and need to keep the relationship healthy.

lots of thanks, I will try

[strider65]

my two cents would be...

I have a different perspective on it at 51 than I did when I was 25.

going to bed right off the bat and experiencing that intimacy, and then hanging out in the world at large... sometimes for me anyway that could be two different things

the fact that you have the awareness to think about this, hey man, hang out, find out who you feel comfortable talking to, who you like hanging out and laughing

don't use your penis for a brain brother

[strider65]

sometimes it's cool just to hang out and see where it goes

[Darius]

So, you have to jack off on alternating days. What's the big deal? Do you enjoy each other sexually without intercourse being involved? Are you intimate with each other without having to ejaculate?
I assume he is okay with you masturbating? Does he jerk off?