Need sex advise on new relationship (lack of sex)

[mcl0325]

Hi everyone! I started seeing a guy recently and I need advise on a problem we're having with our sex life. We've been seeing each other for almost 4 months and we've yet to have sex. Every thing else about the relationship is great! We get along perfectly and have so much fun together. We've already done the "I love you" but for some reason sex hasn't happened. We've messed around only a handful of times and only when I initiate it. He sleeps over often and every night I try to get him into it but he stops me and says he wants to go to bed. Other times he just stops me and pulls away and acts like he wants to do something else. Even during the times we do mess around, it's just me taking care of him and pleasuring him while I have to take care of myself at the end. In the beginning of the relationship he mentioned he got out of a bad relationship a year and a half ago, hasn't been with anyone else, and it was his first love and it messed him up and he needed time to open up about sex but now it's just ridiculous. I've talked to him about it again 2 weeks ago and he said he's too scared I'm going to reject him or something. Like he's too insecure. He's a very attractive guy with a nice body! Amazing penis! I understand insecurity but now I just think it's me. I feel like I'm a really cute guy! I do have a little bit of a tummy, but not fat or anything. Maybe he doesn't like it? The thing is he's told me before he's always horny and gets himself off at least once every day if not more. I'm just at a loss here on to what could be wrong. Anyone have any ideas what to do? What could be wrong?

[Lexington]

Welcome to GS!

I've talked to him about it again 2 weeks ago and he said he's too scared I'm going to reject him or something.

I'd say have another talk. Tell him you're really enjoying the relationship, but you really do want it to have a sexual component. If there's some sort of issue involved with him being unable or unwilling to have sex, you're willing to help him through it....with the key bit being "helping him through it" not simply "accepting that it isn't going to happen much if at all". Don't let the conversation end until you find out precisely what it is that's preventing him from getting physical with you, and what precisely you can do to help break through that.

Lex

[Rareboy]

Keep talking to him and if it isn't moving forward, then tell him that this isn't how you picture a relationship and that you need to move on to find someone that fulfills you as well as themselves.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

"In the beginning of the relationship he mentioned he got out of a bad relationship a year and a half ago, hasn't been with anyone else, and it was his first love and it messed him up and he needed time to open up about sex but now it's just ridiculous."

This makes a lot of sense - more than you understand.

Until he can work through whatever baggage is left over from the first, he most likely will not have much interest in sex.

First loves are the hardest to get over.

[Virge]

Damn. you and this guy need to get together for coffee and a box of kleenex.

https://gayspeak.com/showthread.php?p=544971#post544971

From knowing guys IRL and then seeing so many posts about it I'm working on a theory that's not going to be popular with anyone.

I'm beginning to believe that guys who get involved in "relationships" without sex are really deep down very manipulative and using the lack of sex to get other things out of it. Maybe not money, or anything like that. One guy I know IRL was in a sexless relationship for a few months that ended when the guy not wanting sex came into money to buy his own keyboards for his band and didn't need to borrow keyboards from my friend anymore.

And as far as the excuse he's given about having been in a bad relationship and having trouble opening up -- that's just an excuse and you can bet it's not the real reason.

You're the first guy I've read in a long time on threads like this who's admitted to being out of shape or having a weight problem. All the guys I've known IRL in situations like yours have either been overweight or in one case, severely handicapped. Easy targets for manipulative guys. When I read threads like this that's always the first thing I think about. Te best thing to do is work on improving yourself so that you don't have to ever worry about that again with any other guys.

[Borg69]

I call this the Disney Princess Complex.

Some guys are so in love with the idea of a relationship... a fantasy relationship... So busy singing and cleaning and talking to woodland creatures about their Prince charming and how wonderful THEIR lives are, playing the part of the perfect husband, they forget that there really are TWO in the relationship with needs. You're not a boyfriend, you're a supporting cast member in his fantasy "G" rated relationship.

You want "Sex in the City", while he's living "Glee".

[Lexington]

I'm beginning to believe that guys who get involved in "relationships" without sex are really deep down very manipulative and using the lack of sex to get other things out of it.

I think some guys just build up walls, and then are reluctant to tear them down again. They've gotten very used to their World Without Sex, and are reluctant to change it. Seems a bit surprising - how can you not want to get involved in sex at last? - but think of how many people won't leave terrible jobs or relationships or living conditions because, well, they're just used to it, and better the devil you know.

Plus, the "I'm not ready for it" guys can use that mantra to justify how the relationship goes. If the guy eases off after hearing it, he can say to himself "See - this relationship is just fine without sex!" If the guy tries nudging him along, he can say "Apparently, he's only interested in me for one reason". And if the guy ends up ditching him, he can consider himself better off without that sex-crazed maniac around.

And as far as the excuse he's given about having been in a bad relationship and having trouble opening up -- that's just an excuse and you can bet it's not the real reason.

Oh, it could be bullshit, but not necessarily. Some guys do get burned, and are reluctant to follow down a similar path. That said, they do usually show some sort of desire to move beyond their current situation.

You're the first guy I've read in a long time on threads like this who's admitted to being out of shape or having a weight problem. All the guys I've known IRL in situations like yours have either been overweight or in one case, severely handicapped. Easy targets for manipulative guys. When I read threads like this that's always the first thing I think about. Te best thing to do is work on improving yourself so that you don't have to ever worry about that again with any other guys.

Well, let's not set up a causation here. Dropping weight won't suddenly leave the manipulative bastards by the sideline, or come with immediate insight on How Men Work. I'm overweight, but I'm quite comfortable in it, and don't often get taken advantage of in any direction. I also don't have too much problem finding guys who are interested in befriending or bedding me.

Mind you, if you DO want to lose weight, I'm the very last person to say no. If the weight is a symptom of a self-esteem problem, yeah, work on building the self-esteem back up (and getting in shape IS a good way to do that, too). But I've known plenty of guys with great BMIs and messed-up social and sex lives.

Lex

[MikeW]

Interesting how many different POVs there are on this. [MENTION=22502]mcl0325[/MENTION] , I'd certainly want to know all I could about what's going on. I'd be asking a lot of questions. Ok, so he gets himself off at least once a day. Wana do it with me? What gets him off? Can I join in? Can we make that part of our sex life? I'd also want to know a lot of details about the past relationship. What was so damaging about it?

IDK, sometimes, even though guys are out there meeting other people, they just aren't truly *available* for a relationship. Sounds like your guy isn't… not for a sexual one, anyway. And I'd sure as hell want to know that before I got any further involved. It's fine if someone I'm seeing has issues -- don't we all? But the question is, is he working on them? Is there any way we can work on them *together* -- does he want that or not? For sure, I have sexual needs and if they aren't being met then no matter how much I like the guy or how attractive he is, this isn't going to work. A relationship may take a lot of work but it shouldn't be endlessly frustrating, either.

[MENTION=21084]Virge[/MENTION] 's notion is interesting. It's a good question, is he *using* you in some way? I'd want to take a look at that that, too.

Anyway, good luck, welcome to the forum. Don't be a stranger! Come back and catch us up with more details if you get them. We're here to help but also to learn and we can't do that if someone just posts with a problem and then never returns to give us feedback. :\

[East]

Alot of guys are terrified of intimacy...and of AIDS and other diseases...and they masturbate so they can control ALL OF THE VARIABLES and in the process they build walls that they might not even be aware of...

I was one of those terrified of intimacy guys...I could fuck a stranger or friend with no problem but tell me that you love me and I closed up. I used use the phrase "You can fuck me but don't ever touch me" alot....

For the other guy..it might hurt him to see the guy he loves interested in sex with other guys in either reality or fantasy...but avoiding him...and take it personally. Fear of intimacy is a common problem...and the person who has it needs to have a dialogue with himself...maybe a therapist.,..and also with his partner....

It is a tough thing to overcome actually....never underestimate the power of fear...

I don't know if this is the case or not but I am adding it to this tapestry of insight so you can at least consider it.

[etihw05]

Wow.

You are describing the exact same problem I'm having with my BF right now. (see thread "First Boyfriend")

Love to chat more with you.