Finally Hit The Wall...Need Help!

[dynamodean]

I have basically the same problem because I am always empathetic and sympathetic, and no matter what I cannot bring myself to just shun or shut someone away from my life. If they are being negative Nancys, I will be there for them to vent to me. I get tired of their "woe is me" routine just as much as the next guy, but I almost feel obligated to indulge in their issues.

I guess in the end I don't deserve to complain because I allow all of them to latch onto me. I reap what I sow.

Wow, I have issues, lol.

[East]

All these comments just make me realize is that the problem is that they are not helping themselves but letting others do the dirty work, when really they should be responsible for their problems (of course there is nothing wrong with some help but not letting people do it all) and OHH I just realized one trick that works and I have used before! If this person is whining all day etc, they only take support but don't give it back, if you stary whining to them And make up issues and just keep talking about them ALL the time they'll suddenly find no space for themselves and solely become uninterested, you gotta try giving them a taste of their own medicine

I actually do something similar with one of them...I use humor to do it though. I take all the things she bitches about and put them into a character and give it back to her. She thinks it is funny but doesn't recognize herself.

Be careful with that it can easily backfire... I have studied behavioral psychology and while many people are not all psychologists, it doesn't mean that they do not catch up other people's behaviors and adapt to them and trap you in a infinite circle of whining.

This is definitely a concern. It is easy to fall into it if you aren't careful. I rarely do anymore but years ago I did a lot...I learned the hard way.

[East]

I have basically the same problem because I am always empathetic and sympathetic, and no matter what I cannot bring myself to just shun or shut someone away from my life. If they are being negative Nancys, I will be there for them to vent to me. I get tired of their "woe is me" routine just as much as the next guy, but I almost feel obligated to indulge in their issues.

I guess in the end I don't deserve to complain because I allow all of them to latch onto me. I reap what I sow.

Wow, I have issues, lol.

Just don't let one of them move in with you or hire one of them to work for you....it is easier when you keep them at a distance!

[dynamodean]

Just don't let one of them move in with you or hire one of them to work for you....it is easier when you keep them at a distance!

One of them actually does live with me and we moved in together before I knew he had such inclinations. I literally feel my daily workload doubles whenever I have to deal with each vicious cycle. Thankfully, I believe he's found someone else to latch onto.

Great advice though.

[East]

I am SO very much FEELING this post East!! It's like a nightmare. This is especially difficult in the work place and even more so with those in positions of authority over you. You can try to "deal" with the relationship in a way that allows it to be "friendly" because you really don't have any investment in causing intentional pain but then the screaming need to do so will NOT shut the hell up! In situations where you MUST try to get along because of no reasonable alternatives, you have to weigh the pros and cons repeatedly knowing without reasonable alternatives you are still having to "cope."

Enlisting a third party might be constructive but if it's someone untrustworthy you leave yourself open for more drama. THEN, there's the good ole' passive aggressive measure where you enlist a third party KNOWING they may not be trustworthy and be prepared to let the chips fall. It is likely you'll find others who have the same experience with the individual and possibly be willing to join forces for a collective "piss off" or other more tasteful intervention.

So are the "two women left" personal or professional contacts would be the next question to explore further.

The thing with both of them...and the third one I didn't mention earlier...I would like to tell them all that it is over...tell one to move out...fire the other one...and tell the other to fuck off...but I don't want to pay the price I will have to pay....and there will be a price

I would most like to be able to own my role in it...recognize what and who I am dealing with...and miraculously rise above it unscathed. It has been my wish for a very long time. With two of them...I have wanted to "fix" them but I don't think that is the case anymore and if it is...it is a weak desire....

One of them lives with us so it is personal...one of them works for me for 25 years and it is professional and personal...and one is a guy who I totally get and see coming but he is dangerous and I have to deal with him only once every couple of months and he is neither though he has done the same thing some guys in the bar did...he made me feel sorry for him and so I excuse his behavoir.

I would love an intervention of one of them at least but it is unlikely as she has the same relationship with everyone else she has with me. She does not have a single friend and when she does it is only one at a time. Her last friend got away from her over a years ago.

[East]

I have known a number of people exactly like you describe, and I know how to free myself from them.

That said? What works for me may not work for you. But, here has been my past method.

I let them get me worked up first. I -need- to be worked up in order to do what needs to be done. It crushes me on the inside when I hurt people, therefore, I need enough anger or outrage to get past that and do what needs done.

Once I'm worked up. I literally turn around and tell them about themselves. I -prefer- to do this in writing. Why? Because they'll -save- it and read it again and again. So it not only lasts longer but has a harder impact.

I have presented this "telling them about themselves" both in person (reading it to them then handing them what I read) as well as through email. Both methods work as long as I am worked up enough to not allow their pity party past my wall of outrage.

When I speak about "telling them about themselves" I mean exactly that. Bluntly. Harshly. Even -meanly- in certain situations. I tell them exactly what I dislike about them. What's -wrong- with them. How fucked up they are. How disappointed and disgusted and angry they make me and others feel. How their behavior affects not just others but their own lives.

I then finish this with something along the lines of..... "and I'm done. I'm done with all of it. I want you out of my life, and I don't want you to contact me again. Period. If you do, I won't answer. I won't acknowledge you. As far as I'm concerned? You've dropped off the fucking planet and don't exist anymore. Goodbye."

I then walk away, and I hold up my end of that promise. I don't answer their phone calls. I don't answer the door if they come knocking, even when it's obvious I'm home. I don't reply to emails or texts or IMs. They don't exist.

This is how I handle this issue.

Good luck man.

I like the idea of writing all of it down but I have to say that one of them is dangerous...I completely left this out of my previous posts. She is actually very dangerous IMO.

Oddly enough...maybe 300 people warned me about her in the course of our 35 year history but I thought I was smarter than all of them and they just didn't "know her".....

I was wrong...they "knew her" way better than I did .I realized how dangerous she was maybe six years ago. Putting a mirror in front of her is a bad idea...I tried it already but I did it verbally...that is when I realized how dangerous she was.

With the other one...the letter would be ideal if she was younger but I will have to pay in business if I do anything about her at this point....

What I have done is pathetic though..I try to trade off days with my boyfriend on who has to listen to her. We have a roll of toilet paper to toss each other with a "your turn" before one of us vacates until she leaves....kinda sucky way to deal with it but it is better than nothing. Telling her the truth in any way, shape or form and we are treated to the "I am a good women...salt of the earth...brightest angel in the choir" thing and it is sickening to watch play out as she responds to even the slightest criticism or observation ....there is an huge gap between who she is and who she thinks she is. She beats everyone around her down with her negativity as a rule and most people are running around trying to please her...and I used to be one of them. Now I just try to minimize the damage.

[Borg69]

There's some truth to twisttheleaf's advice ^^^.

Often they want unending sympathy. I offer cold brutal truth. "You want to fix your problems? THIS is what you're doing wrong, and THIS is what you need to do to fix it. ASAP."

Round Two: "Have you done _______ yet like I suggested? No? WHY NOT?"
...
"That's just an excuse. Stop procrastinating and go take care of it!"

... even those who don't like to think for themselves will start to view you as a mother with a chore list and avoid you like the plague.

Call them out and lay it out. No sugar coating.

Resistance is futile.

[East]

What are you still doing with these people? They ought to be exorcized from your life. Don't take their calls, don't answer their texts, block their emails and don't open the door. Eventually they will get the message and look for new victims.

Also, if someone is always complaining about the same shit ask them: what are you doing to improve that situation?
And then let them answer!

I think THIS is my new game plan with one of them...Thanks! I intend to do just that! I realize I have been trying to redirect her negativity by showing her the positive approach to everything but I have long ago had enough and all I want to do is scream now....it is like pins and needles going into my brain when I listen to her bitch about everything and everybody....

I think asking her that question is perfect....

[East]

There's some truth to twisttheleaf's advice ^^^.

Often they want unending sympathy. I offer cold brutal truth. "You want to fix your problems? THIS is what you're doing wrong, and THIS is what you need to do to fix it. ASAP."

Round Two: "Have you done _______ yet like I suggested? No? WHY NOT?"
...
"That's just an excuse. Stop procrastinating and go take care of it!"

... even those who don't like to think for themselves will start to view you as a mother with a chore list and avoid you like the plague.

Call them out and lay it out. No sugar coating.

Resistance is futile.

This is actually good advice to adopt in my business now that I think about it. I try to do this already but I am way too nice about it....and after I make the suggestion I just let it go.....and then when I hear them bitch I don't say anything else because I know it will be brief and it isn't the sole component in our relationship so it is acceptable.....

I think a normal degree of bitching and whining is healthy and maybe even helpful....

[dynamodean]

I like the idea of writing all of it down but I have to say that one of them is dangerous...I completely left this out of my previous posts. She is actually very dangerous IMO.

Oddly enough...maybe 300 people warned me about her in the course of our 35 year history but I thought I was smarter than all of them and they just didn't "know her".....

I was wrong...they "knew her" way better than I did .I realized how dangerous she was maybe six years ago. Putting a mirror in front of her is a bad idea...I tried it already but I did it verbally...that is when I realized how dangerous she was.

With the other one...the letter would be ideal if she was younger but I will have to pay in business if I do anything about her at this point....

What I have done is pathetic though..I try to trade off days with my boyfriend on who has to listen to her. We have a roll of toilet paper to toss each other with a "your turn" before one of us vacates until she leaves....kinda sucky way to deal with it but it is better than nothing. Telling her the truth in any way, shape or form and we are treated to the "I am a good women...salt of the earth...brightest angel in the choir" thing and it is sickening to watch play out as she responds to even the slightest criticism or observation ....there is an huge gap between who she is and who she thinks she is. She beats everyone around her down with her negativity as a rule and most people are running around trying to please her...and I used to be one of them. Now I just try to minimize the damage.

I feel like you've told me a bit of this story before at JUB. Wow, she really is a bitch!