Open relationships?

[princealbertofb]

What are the reasons why you want to have a relationship together, or to keep the relationship going? Fear of the unknown? You could still be best friends, couldn't you, even if you went your own separate ways.

[Jake]

Oh and when you first hook up your relationship with him did you guys had the talk... I am absolutely against Top only and Bottom. Both of us are versatile and when we have sex it's all about who feels the most to have it in and if we both feels to be penetrated we'll take rounds... a top only relationship would never work. So I hear you there, but before we got officially hooked, Alex and I did have a long talk about.

[Jake]

I can't be possessive of another person's body. My man's body is his own and he can do what he wants with it.

That's a possive pronoun, "My" man means that you consider him yours and that includes the whole bounding of physical cells that forms that man, ergo his body.

LOL Just kidding! Actually I'm not really but it was just to point that although we often say that my body is my body, you would still see green or red when someone would touch some place on the man's body you love because you had first sharing privileges. I think like you but I also understand I have privileges to some areas of his body as much I he has privilege on some areas of mine.

[Borg69]

Let him go. He's only going along with this because you want it, and He wants to please you. Clearly you're more interested in sex than the core of the relationship, and he's not what you're looking for. Don't make him suffer through the anguish of wondering where you are and who you're with. It's ineviteble you're going to find someone you're more compatible with and leave him down the road anyway. Don't drag him through the mud first.

Devoting less time to your relationship and sleeping in others beds isn't going to fix things.

[TwisttheLeaf]

My thought is that...

1) You and your partner need to examine -why- you've chosen to go this route. BOTH of you need to be clear about your separate reasons behind it and honest with each other about those reasons.

2) You and your partner need to clearly and concisely outline what -each- of you consider okay, and what each of you consider to be 'out of bounds'. This includes sexual acts, flirting, touching, etc. When. Where. With whom. As well as, what.

3) You both need to examine your levels of possessive emotions and jealousy that each of you secretly (or not so secretly) hold within your hearts. -CAN- you share your partner with someone else without it hurting you, worrying you, creating anxiety, creating stress in the relationship, causing you two to alienate each other, etc.

I can't say I've ever been in an open relationship. The closest I've done is FWB arrangements. I know that, with my relationship with Gideon? I couldn't share. It would eat at me on the inside to know he shared that intimacy with someone other than me.

If **either of you** are uncomfortable with it.... then it's a bad idea.

EDIT: I'd also like to add. In reference to this....

"He tends to see sex as a more invested thing though and gets attached easily. For me I know I'll be able to treat sex with third parties as just that, but given his proclivity for attachment I'm afraid his liasons might threaten our relationship."

I think you're right. It will damage your relationship if he is of the type that associates sex with intimacy and emotion. My guess is, it will hurt him for you to fuck others. And in doing so, by hurting him, it will damage both him and your relationship. I could be wrong, of course. But it definitely doesn't sound as if he's on board here, more that he's saying yes to pacify you.

If you want a more satisfying sex life, then teach him how to please you. Teach him what he needs to know to fulfill your needs. My guess is, if he's willing to go against his nature and agree to an open relationship... that he'd be willing to learn whatever is needed to satisfy you physically.

If it's an issue of quantity? Seriously dude, that's what your fist is for.

[princealbertofb]

That's a possive pronoun, "My" man means that you consider him yours and that includes the whole bounding of physical cells that forms that man, ergo his body.

LOL Just kidding! Actually I'm not really but it was just to point that although we often say that my body is my body, you would still see green or red when someone would touch some place on the man's body you love because you had first sharing privileges. I think like you but I also understand I have privileges to some areas of his body as much I he has privilege on some areas of mine.

You understood me perfectly well. "My man" was a shortcut for "the man with whom I have a relationship" (too long winded). Let's say it's a privileged relationship, that much is true, but he's also a lot of other people's man in respect to friendships, partnerships, colleagues etc anyway. He is still the master of his body and what he does with it and who he shares it with, whether it's to dance, or make music, to sleep, to dream or anything else. The fact is, he's not interested in trying something of a sexual nature with someone else, as far as I know, so it's convenient for me, comfortable and affirming. But I don't take it for granted. That's what's always dangerous. Thinking a given is a given forever. If it is, maybe it's great, but if it isn't (and life teaches us the transience of things), it will have been nice while it lasted. Fond memories.

[Bhp91126]

From what you wrote I don't think that your partner is dealing openly and honestly with you about opening up the relationship. You have to bring him to open up. Only then can you find out whether your relationship can survive such a change.

Open relationship worked for us, because we were 100% in agreement about this topic at the beginning of our relationship. Both of us are able to separate sex from love/relationship. Things only happen when we are not together/ different cities/countries and we don't tell each other any details. In the early days we told each other about the escapades, by now we trust each other and don't talk about it anymore.

[MrMom]

The first few months Alex and I were together, we agreed to be "open" and not exclusive and just have fun. Except he kept threatening, intimidating and/or beating up every guy I hooked up with.
So No, it didn't work for us lol -
I tried to think of what it would be like now, for us to have an open relationship, but my mind kept veering off into creative ways to kill him if he ever suggested it...

[Ceruleaan]

Well thanks so far for all the great advice guys.

As for what we both want out the relationship, open or otherwise, I think it would be wrong to say that he "wants" only because he wants to please me. While we've bee discussing the idea of an open relationship, I've been fairly circumspect and spent some time thinking about how this will effect things if we go through with it. He on the other hand has been rather actively perusing potential interests, both when out and about with his friends at the bars in the gay village, or over apps such as grindr. While I find that somewhat irritating, I think I'm only irked by it because I don't think he's been fully honest about his thoughts on the idea of an open relationship. That isn't to say he's being dishonest, but given the way he's acting I think, at least subconsciously, he's somewhat excited about the prospect of branching out and meeting new people.

With regard to the sexual side of the relationship, I think claiming that frequency is a problem that my right hand can deal with is fairly flippant. In our case, we recently had a dry spell of a little over two months. Now to be fair, he works a lot and I study all the time, but I think there is an underlying difference in our preferences regarding frequency. Also, and I don't recall if I've already mentioned this, he is less interested in sex than I. All that is fine, but for me its also a major factor in my desire to open up the relationship. Rightly or wrongly, I also think that it would give him more opportunities to grow and experience things that I can't offer or am not aware he wants.

Additionally, rightly or wrongly, I am moving out of the country for studies this fall, and I don't think it would be feasible to maintain the relationship without some degree of openness. He's a very tactile, invested guy who needs emotional supports from someone closer than a friend. I won't be able to provide that after I move, and I don't want him to be stuck feeling alone and worried about the relationship. My thinking is that given the issues with the relationship, and our own preferences, opening the relationship gives us the best shot at surviving long distance.

That might seems ridiculous and counter-intuitive, but my thoughts as to why an open relationship is more likely to survive in our case are as follows. He is reactive by nature, that is when he messes up (he's done things with guys he shouldn't have), his immediate response is to tell me everything in one colossal monologue that I can't process and then suggest we break up because there must be something wrong with him. While I appreciate his honesty, I don't give up so easily. I believe that having an open relationship will put us both in a position where we can both get what we need, but in a framework where it is condoned by both of us - excepting certain restrictions. Additionally, as young adults, I believe we both have a lot of growth ahead of us, and we're both nursing young careers. I feel that with us separated, we should both be able to continue to explore and see what else is on offer. We've been together for 4 years, and rest assured we are both very different people than we were. While the relationship is in my opinion still fairly robust, I have noticed that things that used to drive me mad I don't even notice any more, while things I never noticed before now drive me insane. This is evidence of change, and makes me wonder if we are different people now, are there perhaps different people out there that might be a better fit?

Lastly, as for the open relationship more specifically, while the idea is to let us fool around, a thought both he and I have bandied about is of trying to open the relationship in a way where we have a third partner so to speak; for lack of a better term, a third boyfriend. This thought is fairly new and we haven't discussed it much, so it would be really helpful to hear what you all think about this twist on the traditional open relationship (that last sentence seems like an oxymoron, oh well....)

Some mentioned an age difference, I'm actually the older one at 24, my boyfriend is younger at 22, turning 23 later this year.

Anyway, thanks again for all the replies and feedback, and sincere apologies for the small book I just dropped.

[Ceruleaan]

bump! No further advice to give on the subject?