His past and his sex tapes

[doneconfused]

I am writing this to get some advice on a couple of issues I am having with my boyfriend of 4 months, some of it might just be me, but some of it might be a problem. I am having trouble discerning which is me or which is a problem. So here it goes:

I have been dating my boyfriend for almost 4 months now he has an extensive past and by that I mean he has had 93 sexual partners (i make #93). It is very hard for me to swallow this as I have only had 1 male partner other than him. *Issue #1: is 93 a lot of partners or is this an average number? i think it is a lot and he says its a lot too. *Issue #1.1: should I just accept it as it is what it is because clearly there is nothing I can do about his past or should i be worried that the number is so high?

We spend a lot of time together and at least daily an ex of his gets brought up by either him or one of his friends, (i.e. *&%* works here, &^&^ lives there, &^&*^ and I used to come out here all of the time, etc.) I've tried telling him that this really bothers me and he replies that I am just being a girl and to not be so sensitive. *Issue #1.3: what are your thoughts on this? am i being overly sensitive and just deal with it, again going back to everyone has a past and its just something i have to deal with? i try not say anything about my sexual partners, guy or girl, i just don't think it is appropriate.

The second issue that I would like some advice on is his sex videos. After about a month of dating, i found that my boyfriend's cell phone was filled with sex videos of him and other partners. I confronted him about this and asked that he delete them as he was with me now and did not need them. He agreed to delete them and said that he would do it later. I decided not to push this issue, but never had any confirmation that they were indeed deleted. Just last night, so four months in, I found that he had deleted most of the videos and photos from previous sexual partners, but didn't delete all of them. *Issue #2: is this an issue? why would he need sex videos from previous partners? would you be offended by this, as I clearly am? *Issue #2.1: how do i confront him about this? *Issue #2.2: how does one get past having a visual of your boyfriend having sex with another guy?

Long story short, should I be concerned with any of this or am I just being overly sensitive? Is it just me or is it a problem? If it is just me, how do I deal with these issues in a way that I can get over them?

I gave a very shortened version of the story at hand because otherwise nobody would read the post. Thanks for any help you may afford.

[Jake]

I had 146, I'm still alive, healthy, have children and an husband that I love and cherish and my past is behind me and it's MY past my boyfriend may not be hot about it, but he does understand that it is MY past experience, and I understand his but we BOTH LIVES IN THE PRESENT.

Do you get this little true story... try to understand the underlying of this message.

Is that the number that your BF has had before you or that you're number 93 and do you consider him a sex partner and do you feel that you're just number 93. Keep on freaking out like this and I can assure you you'll just be 93 out of many more.

4 Months dude... I'm sorry but I started calling my husband boyfriend after a year and half of relationship together.

IMO yes to me you sounds a little oversensitive and also possessive... what happened between #1 all the way to you regards your BF only and if he choose to tell you I'm sure it wasn't for bragging.

Sorry if that doesn't help you or if it's not what you wanted to read but I believe there's some over-reacting here. Let me ask you a question; What is the difference between sex and having a relationship with someone? Are both feelings the same?

I can assure you that I loved 3 or 4 out of 146 and I do not count Alex in all those 146 SEX Partners because to me RIGHT NOW and for the last 9 years he's number 1 and he's a LIFE Mate, do you now see the difference?

93 partners sound to me that your "boy friend" was or is in the "Business" as a porn star, an escort or a fan of gang bang. How many of those 93 were real relationships? Not all of them, I can guarantee you that.

With my 146 not counting Alex, 46 were from my 5 years as a porn performer, at least 80 were when I was escorting, 4 were actual boyfriends and the rest was just sex around the clock. I had sex for two entire life of an average person with a high sexual appetite and you believe that I have the record? No, many porn stars may as well have double if not triple of what I had.

As for the sex tape, what if he wants to keep them? Who obligates you to watch them? The only thing I gathered from your text is a little envy, perhaps jealous of your "boyfriend" for having enjoyed sex more than you did and you're actually scared to be just a number. Why don't you have a serious talk with him and settle that once and for all. If that part of his past disturbs you so much and that he talks about his ex in some context you shouldn't think twice and find someones that is more to your liking where you won't feel an outcast for not having had as much sexual partner than your "boy friend".

[Bowyn Aerrow]

If it perturbs you then it perturbs you.

There is nothing he can do to stop it from perturbing you. What is done is done it can't be undone.

What matters is today and what he is doing today. Is he out having sex with all 93 of you currently? No? Then who is he having sex with?


As for sex tapes. Another part of the past. He should move them to a permanent storage device and keep them for the future, you know, after you two split company (which the way things typically go, couples don't last long).

Just because he may delete them does not take away from the fact he made them to begin with. Again what is done can't be undone.

If these sorts of behaviors are not your cup of tea, perhaps you two should just part company now and get it over with.

[Undreamt]

wow people keep track after 20?

[Virge]

93 is all?
What a friggin underachiever. and over-worrier.
If it wasn't for a private collection of home porn movies I wouldn't know how to count above 1,000.
I bet my #58 is hotter than your pervy boyfriend's #58.

[Camfer]

Maybe you can look at your BF's past in a different way. The sum of all his past experiences is what makes him the man he is today. If you like him now then you can honor the journey that got him to this point where the two of you enjoy each other's company.

We can guess that your BF is very outgoing and pretty skilled in bed. He's being open and honest with you about his past. So what's the problem? The problem is your fear and judgement around his behavior before the guy even knew you existed. He's telling you about these things so you are know him well and are a part of his life. Would you prefer he keep information from you? What would that give you?

You feel it's inappropriate for him and his friends to talk about his exes. He thinks it's no big deal. I think you are probably better off in allowing him and his friends to converse freely. Yes you are going to have to learn to deal with your emotions around it. You can't control what he says, but you can work on your reaction to it.

[Uneunsae]

Wow, I have a completely different opinion...

But for me, I would just date someone else instead of trying to change your BF. It obviously bothers you, so he is not the right one for you.

[East]

There are a few things you can appreciate.....

He is honest about it...count your blessings. Do you know how many people lie about their past to their potential or new partners? It is staggering.

He chose YOU ...AFTER he had all those other guys....so obviously you have something the rest of them don't. He could easily be more concerned about you since you haven't had a lot of experience and you could look for greener pastures at any moment as you have little experience yourself. Is he concerned?

Fasten your seatbelt here.....

I had over 750 partners....never will be sure the right amount but definitely under 1000. My lover of 28 years had THREE under his belt when I met him. It was a little problem...for me. He loved the fact that I had all those partners because he liked my experience ...I was worried about his lack of experience....

So...I wanted to know what his biggest fantasy was ...what guy would rock his fantasy world...and then I brought him to him and made sure he got the best fuck of his life. (and he did).......

I did it for a reason......you have to figure that out on your own. We have a great relationship and have pretty much had smooth sailing for the past 28 years. We are very intimate and we are best friends. The decision I made was the absolute right one and one of the most brilliant moves I have ever made in my life.

[TwisttheLeaf]

I have been dating my boyfriend for almost 4 months now he has an extensive past and by that I mean he has had 93 sexual partners (i make #93). It is very hard for me to swallow this as I have only had 1 male partner other than him.

*Issue #1: is 93 a lot of partners or is this an average number? i think it is a lot and he says its a lot too.

I don't think there's an "average number" of partners. It depends on life experience. Since everyone has different life experiences, this number is going to range widely. And then there's some, like me, who never bothered to keep count. I have NO idea how many partners I've had... don't really care either.

*Issue #1.1: should I just accept it as it is what it is because clearly there is nothing I can do about his past or should i be worried that the number is so high?

Yes, I think you should accept it as it is. If you're going to freak over people's pasts, there's a good chance finding -any- partner is going to be difficult to find. Even if you get yourself a virgin, there's sure to be something else in his past that might be an issue.

Sometimes, the past is just the past and you need to let it be just that.

We spend a lot of time together and at least daily an ex of his gets brought up by either him or one of his friends, (i.e. *&%* works here, &^&^ lives there, &^&*^ and I used to come out here all of the time, etc.) I've tried telling him that this really bothers me and he replies that I am just being a girl and to not be so sensitive.

*Issue #1.3: what are your thoughts on this? am i being overly sensitive and just deal with it, again going back to everyone has a past and its just something i have to deal with? i try not say anything about my sexual partners, guy or girl, i just don't think it is appropriate.

This issue has nothing to do with his past, but with his present behavior.

This is extremely inconsiderate on his part. He can't control what friends say and do, but he -can- control his own words. Calling you a girl because he's doing something that hurts your feelings? This is extremely insensitive. Hurtful. And it makes me wonder if he really values your relationship (or you) at all. If he can't be respectful and sensitive to your feelings, why are you even with him?

The second issue that I would like some advice on is his sex videos. After about a month of dating, i found that my boyfriend's cell phone was filled with sex videos of him and other partners. I confronted him about this and asked that he delete them as he was with me now and did not need them. He agreed to delete them and said that he would do it later.

I decided not to push this issue, but never had any confirmation that they were indeed deleted. Just last night, so four months in, I found that he had deleted most of the videos and photos from previous sexual partners, but didn't delete all of them.

*Issue #2: is this an issue? why would he need sex videos from previous partners? would you be offended by this, as I clearly am?

Maybe he uses them as jerk off material? I have to admit that it would bother me, though. A lot.

And that wouldn't even be my major issue with what you outlined below. My major issue would be his dishonesty. I demand honesty from my partner and friends. It's not even a request. It's required. Being dishonest would get his ass kicked to the curb. I can give a 'second chance', perhaps even on something like this. But he'd be walking on damned thin ice.

*Issue #2.1: how do i confront him about this?

I'm blunt. So being the blunt type, and considering the dishonesty factor mentioned above? I'd simply ask him about the vids and why he said he'd delete them and then didn't. I'd also call him on any lies or bullshit excuses he may try to throw up in his response, if there is any. Such as "I must have missed those ones", etc.

*Issue #2.2: how does one get past having a visual of your boyfriend having sex with another guy?

You accept that it's in the past. That he's -yours- now. Though, honestly? If it was me, Iwould be questioning how "yours" he is at this point. It's something you might want to consider.

Long story short, should I be concerned with any of this or am I just being overly sensitive? Is it just me or is it a problem? If it is just me, how do I deal with these issues in a way that I can get over them?

IMO? Yes. you should be concerned. Yes. It IS a problem. Not his past. Not the vids he might have made in the past. But his lack of sensitivity to your feelings, his lack of -respect- for your feelings.... and his dishonesty. THESE are what I think should be the worry here.

I would say you need to turn your "lie detector spide-y sense" on and have a heart to heart talk with him. And from there? Decide if he's really worth the bullshit if he chooses to resist having said talk or belittles you for your feelings in the process.

[Uneunsae]

I'm going to put myself out here and say something I will probably get flamed for.

There are so many posts on this forum full of drama and guys clinging to BFs who either don't want them or who just simply are a terrible match for them. I don't quite understand this but can say that none of it is necessary. It's like guys don't believe they can actually find someone they can mesh with most of the time. Yeah, there are going to be differences, but they shouldn't cause so much anguish. Most of these issues wouldn't be a factor if people who find mates with whom they are compatible. It's very important.

For some it's a lack of self-esteem, for others it's a need for attention, and sometimes desperation or a million other reasons. But people create so much unnecessary pain for themselves.

Be good to yourself and seek out someone you feel comfortable with.