just friends? some advice please

[crashintome]

Hello to all. I'm finding myself posting here in need of some feedback with this situation i've been having with this guy.

So i've been IMing this guy thru kik and whatsapp i met thru a dating app since around February. We talked sporadically and then more often. I've found we have alot of similar interests. Eventually we met up. Since then he texts me every day. Lately we've been seeing each other regularly and has invited me to go out with his friends, he's expressed a strong desire for me to know them. When we're together he can get a little touchy and I do too. Here I am thinking he's interested in me. Since then i've been having a little crush on him. A little while ago we had a conversation about several things, one of them being that people he has gone out with have gotten mixed signals from him, they think he's interested and he's not. We talked about making the first move and he says he rarely does because when he goes out with someone he takes awhile to make sure he's really into the person. So It's confusing, i can either assume he's sending mixed signals or he's thinking it over. We even talked about kissing and stealing kisses while sitting on the couch and I was thinking if there ever was a good moment to kiss this would be it. He's made comments also about me that make me feel like he's not attracted to me. He might've been joking and I took them the wrong way and he fixes it by saying "he's kidding im cute". But seriously he hasn't really shown any sign that he's genuinely attracted to me.

So then here i am questioning if he's really interested in me and if I should keep going out with him at all. Im not sure that if he just wants a friendship i can be ok with that seeing as how my feeling for him can develop more if i keep going out with him. But what can I do if he texts me every day? Im not sure it'd be a good idea to be honest and say i need some space because Im starting to like him.

Sorry if this is too long, I would just like some feedback and wanted to provide a good description about the situation. Thanks to all who take the time to read and write something.

[Borg69]

I know that type... the flirting, the teasing, making you jump through hoops chasing that carrot and constantly changing the rules and never quite sure what it is they want... other than attention... and only on their terms when they want it. They seem to want everyone in love with and chasing them while they play coy and "we're JUST friends!" when you get too close.

He'll keep you hanging and hoping forever, believing if you just hang in there he'll eventually see that you've been there for him, only to be crushed months into it when he jumps into a relationship with a hookup he just met that has all the very same qualities he said he could never date you for.

No... I'm not still bitter.

[MikeW]

Agreeing with Borg. 1) Be clear with yourself about what you want and don't want in relation to this dude. 2) Tell the dude straight up what you want and don't want. 3) Listen to his responses but, 4) stay with your clarity, don't let him twist it or drag it out (especially if that was on your 'don't want' list).

In other words, you have as much right as he does to be clear about what your truth is. You have as much right as he does to set boundaries and/or make demands. Now, either these truths match and mesh or they don't. If the former, great. If the latter, well now at least you know and won't pine after what isn't available to you from him.

[TwisttheLeaf]

Agreeing with Borg. 1) Be clear with yourself about what you want and don't want in relation to this dude. 2) Tell the dude straight up what you want and don't want. 3) Listen to his responses but, 4) stay with your clarity, don't let him twist it or drag it out (especially if that was on your 'don't want' list).

In other words, you have as much right as he does to be clear about what your truth is. You have as much right as he does to set boundaries and/or make demands. Now, either these truths match and mesh or they don't. If the former, great. If the latter, well now at least you know and won't pine after what isn't available to you from him.

I had a friend like this back at Uni. How I dealt with it was essentially right along the lines of the advice Borg and MikeW gave you.

Essentially? He was blabbing away and a laid one on him (kissed him senseless) then gave him a grin and told him "I wanna fuck, but I'm not into getting into a relationship. What do you think?"

I don't see why the same method (even without the kiss, but with being open and truthful about what you want) couldn't work in your situation as well....even if what you're wanting from him is different than mine were at the time.

If he's the "type" that Borg describes? He might try to hedge and wriggle out of being forthright. Don't let him.

[MikeW]

Here's a question for everyone: Why is it we're so often afraid to *define* ourselves to someone, especially someone we're interested in? Why can't we, or rather, why don't we just say: "This is what I think, This is what I feel, This is what I want. Where are you with all that?"

Now, granted, it probably shouldn't be quite that abrupt but still, the question is, why don't we do this more often than not?

[TwisttheLeaf]

Here's a question for everyone: Why is it we're so often afraid to *define* ourselves to someone, especially someone we're interested in? Why can't we, or rather, why don't we just say: "This is what I think, This is what I feel, This is what I want. Where are you with all that?"

Now, granted, it probably shouldn't be quite that abrupt but still, the question is, why don't we do this more often than not?

I think it's due to fear of rejection.

To be able to put yourself out there fully. With forthright honesty and nothing hidden? You have to accept that rejection -is- possible and be okay with that.

Most people, in my experience, are terrified of rejection.

That said?

There are also some people out there who purposely circumvent being honest about what they want not because they fear rejection, but because they're willing to do whatever it takes (including being dishonest and/or hurting others) to get whatever it is they want (or think that they want).

[Borg69]

Here's a question for everyone: Why is it we're so often afraid to *define* ourselves to someone, especially someone we're interested in? Why can't we, or rather, why don't we just say: "This is what I think, This is what I feel, This is what I want. Where are you with all that?"

Now, granted, it probably shouldn't be quite that abrupt but still, the question is, why don't we do this more often than not?

I agree with Twisttheleaf. Most people don't have enough faith in their own convictions that they've made the right decisions themselves to stick to them, and fear they might have made a wrong decision which could get them rejected. It's far easier to ride the fence, and then try to negotiate a better deal once you think you might have them hooked.

[skWolf]

You need to be honest, tell him what you want and how you feel, as you said, he doesn't ever make the first move, so if you want anything to happen, the ball is in your court.

As others have said, rejection is a possibility, but that's just something you got to deal with.