Thoughts about relationships

[Bluelight]

Hi everyone! So, it's been a while since I've started a thread about anything, but I really want to gather some thoughts on this. I'm home for the summer, which gives me a lot of time to be alone with my thoughts, and I'm starting to realize that what I actually want in a long-term relationship isn't actually what I had previously thought.

In fact, I think that the ideal relationship for me would actually approach something that's platonic, but not quite. In other words, if I end up with someone, I would want them to be my best friend, someone who I could be comfortable with, but not someone who I constantly have sex with.

Don't get me wrong, sex is awesome, but I feel that on an emotional level it's hard for me to connect with people when I see them naked half the time. I guess it depends on the person too, some people give off the vibe that we're just using each other's bodies, which is alright as long as it's in the appropriate situation, but as I said, I find it very hard to feel anything meaningful in that type of relationship.

What's nice is I don't really feel lonely anymore because of this, I have some good friends who I've re-connected with recently all at the same time, and it made me aware that there isn't too much of a difference between those friendships and what I truly want in a guy.

I don't know if it's just me, but it kind of struck me as unusual that I'd rather have a relationship that's more friendship-based and not so much romance. More simply, a strong friendship, just with a bit more intimacy. I'm pretty sure that's what I'm meant to have in life.

[Alex]

Hi everyone! So, it's been a while since I've started a thread about anything, but I really want to gather some thoughts on this. I'm home for the summer, which gives me a lot of time to be alone with my thoughts, and I'm starting to realize that what I actually want in a long-term relationship isn't actually what I had previously thought.

In fact, I think that the ideal relationship for me would actually approach something that's platonic, but not quite. In other words, if I end up with someone, I would want them to be my best friend, someone who I could be comfortable with, but not someone who I constantly have sex with.

Don't get me wrong, sex is awesome, but I feel that on an emotional level it's hard for me to connect with people when I see them naked half the time. I guess it depends on the person too, some people give off the vibe that we're just using each other's bodies, which is alright as long as it's in the appropriate situation, but as I said, I find it very hard to feel anything meaningful in that type of relationship.

What's nice is I don't really feel lonely anymore because of this, I have some good friends who I've re-connected with recently all at the same time, and it made me aware that there isn't too much of a difference between those friendships and what I truly want in a guy.

I don't know if it's just me, but it kind of struck me as unusual that I'd rather have a relationship that's more friendship-based and not so much romance. More simply, a strong friendship, just with a bit more intimacy. I'm pretty sure that's what I'm meant to have in life.

A relationship start with a great friendship, I have befriended my husband for a year and half before we called ourselves a couple. Just like my husband I have issue with people calling their newly acquired friend a boyfriend, because, a real relationship doesn't start in weeks, or few months, it is really a year thing. I met mine I was 19 and at 19 even though I wanted a relationship I never called it a relationship until I felt it was a relationship.

[TwisttheLeaf]

I actually think this is a mature way at looking for a partner. In the long run, the first blush of intensity in a relationship begins to fade a bit, yeah? You go through that stage where all you want to do is get in each other's pants and make them scream your name.... but over time, things settle into more than that. Friendship and love intertwine.

You're just looking to cut out the first initial rush and blush phase from the sound of it.

[Virge]

Bluelight, I've read what you've written and want to give you some honest advice from my own experiences but right now I brain is shutting off about serious stuff for about the next 12 hours. I need some mindless amusement right now, a long night of sleep coming shortly and I'll wander back to the computer in the morning with a recharged brain.

If you read this in the next few hours send me a Thank you as a reminder to answer.

Thanks.

[Borg69]

It sounds to me like you've got some commitment issues, and are scared to put all your eggs in one basket and invest everything in one romantic partner. Compartmentalizing people into separate roles gives a false sense of security in the event the relationship goes south, you still retain at least parts of it in others.

You're young. Relationships are scary. How do you pick the right guy? You're trading making a decision with avoidance of making a true commitment. There are no short cuts, and no cheating.

[Bluelight]

It sounds to me like you've got some commitment issues, and are scared to put all your eggs in one basket and invest everything in one romantic partner. Compartmentalizing people into separate roles gives a false sense of security in the event the relationship goes south, you still retain at least parts of it in others.

You're young. Relationships are scary. How do you pick the right guy? You're trading making a decision with avoidance of making a true commitment. There are no short cuts, and no cheating.

I'm sorry, but I beg to differ. It sounds like you actually just made an assumption that I have commitment issues based on my age... All I'm really saying is that I feel more of an emotional attraction for guys who value friendship and don't constantly want to be in my pants, I'm not in any way suggesting that I would go off and have sex with other guys while being involved with someone.

[MikeW]

I'd say a relationship is more than a friendship… and by that I mean a partnership. We've used that word "partner" a lot in recent history. Before I go further, I think we should feel free to define capital R "Relationships" however we (the two [or more] involved) want to. What I'm saying is how *I* view a Relationship: A partnership.

What that means is although each of us has our own lives, there is something more important: The partnership which is a shared life. This means we don't make big decisions unilaterally. We make plans, big life plans, together. We support one another as needed. We challenge one another as needed. We don't toss in the towel when things get rough. We accept that neither of us are 'perfect' and are bound to make mistakes and that mistakes are forgivable. We understand that a Relationship is a learning environment and, to some extent we get to decide on, a negotiable environment.

Beneath all that is a commitment based on not only physical but emotional attraction and compatibility. We "love" one another which means we each want the best for the other. We're "there" for one another and for the Relationship. We understand that as we grow and age we will change and that the Relationship has to have built into it means for adapting to those changes without the loss of the Relationship itself. It *could* mean, also, the realization that at some point we may *no longer* be compatible or have the same needs and or goals; at which point the Relationship would need to be redefined.

However one works it all out, the bottom line is that the partners are there for one another, not just himself. We face life and its many challenges together, not separately.

It's rather idealistic but that's how I look at it.

[Jake]

A relationship start with a great friendship, I have befriended my husband for a year and half before we called ourselves a couple. Just like my husband I have issue with people calling their newly acquired friend a boyfriend, because, a real relationship doesn't start in weeks, or few months, it is really a year thing. I met mine I was 19 and at 19 even though I wanted a relationship I never called it a relationship until I felt it was a relationship.

Who's your boyfriend? LOL

[ChadCoxRox]

Hi everyone! So, it's been a while since I've started a thread about anything, but I really want to gather some thoughts on this. I'm home for the summer, which gives me a lot of time to be alone with my thoughts, and I'm starting to realize that what I actually want in a long-term relationship isn't actually what I had previously thought.

In fact, I think that the ideal relationship for me would actually approach something that's platonic, but not quite. In other words, if I end up with someone, I would want them to be my best friend, someone who I could be comfortable with, but not someone who I constantly have sex with.

Don't get me wrong, sex is awesome, but I feel that on an emotional level it's hard for me to connect with people when I see them naked half the time. I guess it depends on the person too, some people give off the vibe that we're just using each other's bodies, which is alright as long as it's in the appropriate situation, but as I said, I find it very hard to feel anything meaningful in that type of relationship.

What's nice is I don't really feel lonely anymore because of this, I have some good friends who I've re-connected with recently all at the same time, and it made me aware that there isn't too much of a difference between those friendships and what I truly want in a guy.

I don't know if it's just me, but it kind of struck me as unusual that I'd rather have a relationship that's more friendship-based and not so much romance. More simply, a strong friendship, just with a bit more intimacy. I'm pretty sure that's what I'm meant to have in life.

This kind of exploration is what matures a man into good partner material. Musing here is a great way to get feedback. I don't think Borg meant the "commitment issues" were just a label to tag on you because of age or whatever, but just a vocabulary to relate and give feedback if it might be helpful. I understood your intent and your response to Borg but I want to clarify that that very issue, commitment, what it means, etc is a very important piece of your journey too. I enjoyed how the reply got clarified but I want to still challenge you to not over look the aspect, maybe not in terms of sexual monogamy or faithfulness, but just commitment in and of itself with someone across the board for all matters (like finances, faith, values, beliefs, blah blah blah).

I really like the feedback you've gotten thus far and can't add much more for now. I think you are going to be a wonderful partner for the right person!

[J0ePaGuy11]

To me all relationships should begin with strong friendship before taking that "big step" otherwise there's no real foundation to build on.