48 and confused.

[50Plus]

JoePa,

Any of us can offer advice or suggestions. Ultimately, it is you who has to live with your 'choices'.

None of the choices are right. None of the choices are wrong. There are consequences to each choice we make, to each decision we contemplate.

Tell us more about you. Tell us more about your dilemma.

[TwisttheLeaf]

I have to agree with what 50Plus, Iceblink, and MikeW have commented. We need more information about your situation, what family you're concerned about, what sort of dependence or independence you have on your family, etc.

When coming out, these things can be very important.

[JimmyEcho]

I'm 48 and I know my family wouldn't agree with my "preferences." Is it better to keep it to myself after all these years or risk what I fer most?

48, paralyzed from the neck down,This is horrible. I'm very sorry to hear this.
However, 48 That's a long time to hold something back (but I did hear of coming out at later ages than that)
(I like the 2 and a half men episode, where Chelsey's father came out to his Navy friend at 60 something) ANYWAY, Yeah, more info is needed on this one.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

I know an 82 year old man who died recently and was in the closet all of that time.

I would say he was happy, but that is not altogether true. He was depressed all the time.

NOW his family knows, but then he left lots of evidence tucked here and there in the house and his family (and I *shudder*) stumbled upon evidence and have all new perspective about his life.

Well I do.

Fear so strong that you live in misery, live a whole life of lying can't be fun. In fact the damage is does most likely is far, far greater than having most or all of your family disown you.

My father disowned me - I didn't shrivel up and die. Sure I lost out on a couple few millions of dollars of family inheritance.

But - I have had my relationships, my allotment of happiness, I had honesty and truth and integrity and from that the contentment of knowing that above all else to my own self I was being true.

If your family disowns you or has to hate to so much over something like this, that is THEIR problem. Sure it will hurt you, but reality check, you really don't want those kind of people in your life, they are often very nasty, hurtful and mean of spirit.

They are human, but lack humanity.

Since my father disowned me I have had surrogate fathers. My Ex's Father 'adopted' me - he took me hunting, fishing and we did all sorts of neat father/son sort of stuff together. And he even treated me roughly like he treated all of his kids.

I have had other 'family' members - people who honestly cared about me, loved me and didn't just put up with me as long as I towed some sort of 'moral code' that suited their life style/ideas of 'good and wholesome'.

That is what family really is about, they accept you for YOU - if you don't get it with the biological, then seek out the non-blood related family that is waiting for you.

This fear of being hated by those who are going hate isn't going to change the fact that they can hate.

Go, live you all too short life. 82 years ain't that long, and I assure you, its not what we do that we end up regretting its those things we didn't do - the risks, the chances, the living life by our own standards - those are the things we look back on and sob over.

48 is long enough to live by the standards of others - now, go, live by your own standards and seek/pursue happiness in a manner that gives you happiness.

[Steveonthelake]

I am not much older than you and just came out to my Family (6 brothers, 1 sister, 7 nieces/nephews). Sounds like we have different "histories" but I received great advice from friends of varying ages on a similar site. I only have one friend nearby who is gay, who I came out to first and consulted. They all advised "don't worry about the time frame, do it when YOU are ready". Being a habitual procrastinator, those are dangerous words! But it was great advice and I knew that I didn't want to pursue any serious relationships in secret, which meant talking to my family. I have had great support thus far...some uneasiness from my twin brother, but for the most part FULL support. "I just want you to be happy" has been said to me a lot. When I bring a guy home for a family gathering, it might be a different story, but several brothers have said "if it's a problem, it's not YOUR problem. WE have to work it out within us"
So I pass along that as long winded advice to you. I'm here for you bud!

[J0ePaGuy11]

I guess I didn't give enough info. I know my parents and siblings are totally against the idea of being gay. Being in my situation (handicapped) I do rely on them for most of my day to day activities (bathing, getting in and out of bed, feeding, transportation). Having a cousin openly gay I see their reaction to his life choice. Don't get me wrong, they treat him with same respect as anyone else but are totally opposed to his life choice. That's why I have fears of coming out to them

[MikeW]

Thank you for that information, it helps us understand your situation better. (This could be a very different if by 'family' you meant a wife and children, for example.)

First of all it really is up to you. Each of us may have our opinion based on our own lives which is likely very different from your own. What do you want to do? What do you feel you need to do to be true to yourself? Do you feel it will *unnecessarily* negatively impact your relationship with your family? Will it negatively impact your physical needs being met? Or, on the other hand, will it enhance your life? All this needs to be considered.

I never came out officially to my parents (although I did let them know in ways they could have recognized had they not been in deep, deep denial about most everything). I knew their reaction would be confusion, fear, anger, hurt, but most importantly, "disappointment". IOW, basically negative. I made my decision based on the fact that I did not live near them, seldom saw them, had endured years of emotional abuse from them (especially my father), knew that they would use this to reinforce the negative self-image they'd projected onto me from the time I was a child, and so on. My rationalization was basically it isn't any of their business. I did not need to share this information. It wouldn't enhance our relationship and make me feel better about myself. I didn't want to hear their commentary--I had enough of that baggage to deal with already. It would simply have made an already strained relationship much worse.

I did come out to a *few* trusted members of my family, very few. I knew I could trust them and knew they wouldn't have any serious issues with it.

So it is all a pros and cons situation. How will coming out help you live a more fulfilling or rewarding life? How will it help your relationship with your family? If it is likely to make things more difficult, why do it? (Not saying 'don't' do it, just asking the question; what good *would* come of it?)

[Bowyn Aerrow]

I guess I didn't give enough info. I know my parents and siblings are totally against the idea of being gay. Being in my situation (handicapped) I do rely on them for most of my day to day activities (bathing, getting in and out of bed, feeding, transportation). Having a cousin openly gay I see their reaction to his life choice. Don't get me wrong, they treat him with same respect as anyone else but are totally opposed to his life choice. That's why I have fears of coming out to them

Too many crazy thoughts went through my head.

Understand these thoughts are not because I'm a terrible person, its just that I have worked in such environments where sickly and disabled people were allowed to get away with a lot more than fully healthy/able individuals.

So this may seem like a bad pun, your disability may actually be a crutch for your sexuality - one of those things that no one is going to counter openly simply because you are 'handicapped' and no one likes to pick on the handicapped people, its not considered PC.

Since your family are civil to the cousin, just not approving... Then its not like you risk being totally forced out on the street to turn to prostitution to support yourself.

Sure, they most likely will get their little lectures in, their jibs and what not - but they are at least tolerant enough to remain civil.

One thing here is you are 48 years of age, your folks are what 60's - 70's? And they are still taking care of you? How long is that situation going to last? Surely they are tired by now.

I have no idea what state you are in, many states and the Social Security Disability Folk have long lists of contacts and support systems. If you are in need of a caregiver, its perhaps time you start seriously consider getting those needs met by folk through the state/Federal Government.

I know that social security will pay family members to be caregivers - which is just the foundation of many other programs and financial services SS gives to meet the needs of disabled individuals.

Not only will this give your folks a break from what is hard work (I've done care-giving several times in the past), it will also set the foundation for more independence for you from them, thus when the time comes to tell them 'I'm gay' you are not in fear that they will use your dependence on them to punish you.

Since your Cousin is the black sheep of the family, perhaps your best bet is to call him up and have him come over for a personal chit chat and he is the one that you come out to first.

He may actually have a much better perspective about how your family actually treats him than what you have witnessed. Trust me, humans have this tendency to behave themselves when others are witnessing, but as soon as there are no witnesses things get really ugly.

I suspect your cousin can offer you a lot better advice for your own family than we can.

If anything, he can be a support system for you to assist you to deal with being a gay man in your family. He has experiences, made mistakes (no doubt) and learned valuable lessons about what to do and say (and not) around certain members of the family.

[Cuddly]

I guess I didn't give enough info. I know my parents and siblings are totally against the idea of being gay. Being in my situation (handicapped) I do rely on them for most of my day to day activities (bathing, getting in and out of bed, feeding, transportation). Having a cousin openly gay I see their reaction to his life choice. Don't get me wrong, they treat him with same respect as anyone else but are totally opposed to his life choice. That's why I have fears of coming out to them

Life choice?.....

Choice?....

Life...

I understand, you rely on them for essential care and fear they would stop providing this care if they knew you were gay.
In that case, I can't really give any advice other than do what you feel you have to do. Can you live your fakelife as long as you receive their care, or would you rather jump out into the deep end of the pool and show them how you truely feel, and hope they fish you back out of the pool?

Everybody can be influenced by a confident word. You can influence their opinions on your cousin's "life choices", by telling them how you think of them. A well-worded argument spoke in a confident tone can sway an opinion from being entirely opposed and close minded to an idea, into a more accepting line of thought. It's not a choice. He's brave for admitting this and doing what he feels is natural. He was born this way. Who are we to say how he should live, anyway? What makes us think that our way of living is the right one?
If it helps, atleast take my word for it; there's nothing wrong with how you feel.

[dynamodean]

You shouldn't come out because you feel like you have to, through feeling the effects of age or whatnot. You should come out because you want to. If coming out would take a load off your chest then by all means, do so. What is more important for you...and let's be selfish here. Do you want to be open with your family or do you crave acceptance from them?