Almost "breaking down" & trying to be friends w/ ex

[novice]

I KNOW there's differing views on being friends w/ exes & I've been fighting w/ myself over it for 4 months now. It's "supposed" to be getting "easier" but it's not for me. I am in a depression over it that won't go away. I've tried every antidepressant there is over my lifetime & none ever helped so I am "stuck" enduring it unless I can find some other solution(s).

So, I'm considering swallowing my pride & contacting my ex to see if he is still willing or "able" (i.e., seeing someone so "can't" now) to be "friends." It's very risky obviously. I still want him back (even though most people would say I shouldn't based on the break up & aftermath, etc. - http://gayspeak.com/showthread.php?t=31367) BUT I have absolutely no one else to turn to & have not been able to make/find/get any friends (god forbid anything more than that). I'd just have to talk to & be around him & not mention the past or my feelings on things......just be content w/ whatever time we could spend together.

Conventional wisdom (if not common sense) would say "do not do it" but I am going mental & no other ways (I've tried everything) have helped me get over this AT ALL. I "need" him as a "friend."

[East]

I thought you played a role in this before and you didn't really like hearing it. After reading this...I am positive you are playing a role in this.

If you want out of the cycle and want to get beyond it...OWN YOUR ROLE in this relationship.

You have to rescue yourself.

[supasyd]

I can relate to this so much more than you know. I fight severe depression too, which got worse when my ex dumped me in April. (he still loved his ex). I still love him and always will, and three months on we're still 'friends' (that bonk every now and then) and for some reason I'm actually helping him rekindle a flame with the guy HE loves who he was with for 3 years even though it kills me.

My advice is, that sometimes the feelings don't fade and the love may always be as strong as it is now, but that doesn't mean the pain will too. Sometimes we can take the love and numb the pain. Take some time out to concentrate on YOURSELF. This is exactly what i'm trying to do (and I still have an awfully long way to go), 'cause if we can't be happy with ourselves than nobody else can make us happy either. It's easier said than done, but I'm feeling what you're saying so much right now. If you want to talk you can message me (:

[Iceblink]

There are some people that can be friends with their exes and have no problems with it. There are other people that should not be friends with their exes.

From what I've read from your post here, you fall into the category of people that should not. Sorry to say it, but I think this is only going to lead you on a course towards becoming even more of an emotional wreck that what you seem now .

Edit- Just took the time to read your other thread. This is definitely not a healthy choice for you to make.

[saif1232]

This is a bad idea, not only because of the reason you broke up n the after.math, but because of the reason. You seem to wanna get back with him. You are depressed, have nobody to talk to , those criteria can fit into a friend. Perhaps make some friends? Getting back with your ex because of that is nor a sign of love n wanting him back but a sign of you trying to do what it takes to relieve your pain my friend. You aren't asking for much for now, but say he agreed to see you again, and you never bring up the conversations as you say you won't. Things won't be cleared up and you will start wondering about his ex or how he dumped you for him

[50Plus]

I can be an arrogant prick that sometimes takes joy in the misfortune of others. I do get a smug sense of satisfaction by saying (or even thinking) I told ya so.

So my advice - go and try and be friends. But with the condition that you come back here in 5 years and tell us how it worked out.

Apologies for being blunt. There are some awesome guys on here that will say these words in a much kinder method (and I <3 them for their kindness).

[novice]

I thought you played a role in this before and you didn't really like hearing it. After reading this...I am positive you are playing a role in this.

If you want out of the cycle and want to get beyond it...OWN YOUR ROLE in this relationship.

You have to rescue yourself.

I KNOW I have to help myself. I will accept any "role" I have in this. There is NO "cycle" - he dumped me, I tried briefly being "friends", THEN an unforeseen event occurred that I "reacted" to (fairly appropriately I think given the circumstances) & told his sister "I couldn't be friends w/ him." Yes, it is "weak" of me to "cave" & be want to be "friends" again now (after more time has past) - but what is my "role"? That I changed my mind once about it (based on his actions)??

He always claimed he's "friends w/ all his exes (except one)" - it would be the "normal" course of things (presumably??) so why am I so out of line? (HE will prosper & be fine either way).

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Ummmm... No.

Bad idea to very bad idea. He is your ex for a reason, let it go, move on, find someone else to talk too...

4 months is not enough time to work through the whole 'this was my life with this was my life partner'.

Now you just have to man up and accept you are single and stop trying to find a way back into your exe's life. You cannot move on and get over him if you cling to him like he is the only life saver out there.

I'd just have to talk to & be around him & not mention the past or my feelings on things......just be content w/ whatever time we could spend together.

No, you want to have what you had before and you are deluding yourself you can have it again. You can't have it that way.

There are no time machines, we can not go back to the past and relive those days. There is today and there is the dark, unknowable future.

If you haven't found friends it may be because you are so focused on the EX any potential friends ain't allowed anywhere near you.

Give it a year... Let a year pass and then see how things are going.

If you work on being you as a single man for the year and not sit there pining for the good old days and stalling with dealing with figuring out who you are as a single man by assuming if you just wait out the year, I assure you, you will have a much different feeling on this matter.

And no antidepressants by themselves rarely work. Get a therapist and a drug therapy, together there is a far greater tendency toward living a "normal" sort of life.

Therapy will also give you a person you can talk to since you need that, and a therapist will give you many useful tools to make the transition from you as part of an 'us' and you as an individual.

[novice]

Ummmm... No.

No, you want to have what you had before and you are deluding yourself you can have it again. You can't have it that way.

Therapy will also give you a person you can talk to since you need that, and a therapist will give you many useful tools to make the transition from you as part of an 'us' and you as an individual.

I hear you & recognize the validity of what you said. But I don't think it'll be a dating thing again at all...he isn't interested in that apparently but afaik would be fine (if not "prefer") keeping me as a "friend" so that's all I'd plan on. He wouldn't wanna talk about the past & I wouldn't want him to know I'm so down is why I'd have to just keep my mouth shut.

I have seen two therapists during this time. One was an A-hole & was doing me more harm than good & the other is ok but talk is talk. If you can't meet people on your own you will never get anywhere. Therapy is better than nothing I guess so I've kept going. A band aid on a bullet wound however.

[Uneunsae]

You don't "need" your ex. You are just refusing to let him go and being quite stubborn about it.

You already know what the right choice is. You are responsible for what happens next. It's your decision.