Almost "breaking down" & trying to be friends w/ ex

[East]

I KNOW I have to help myself. I will accept any "role" I have in this. There is NO "cycle" - he dumped me, I tried briefly being "friends", THEN an unforeseen event occurred that I "reacted" to (fairly appropriately I think given the circumstances) & told his sister "I couldn't be friends w/ him." Yes, it is "weak" of me to "cave" & be want to be "friends" again now (after more time has past) - but what is my "role"? That I changed my mind once about it (based on his actions)??

He always claimed he's "friends w/ all his exes (except one)" - it would be the "normal" course of things (presumably??) so why am I so out of line? (HE will prosper & be fine either way).

Your role here is easy to see. You already know who he is and what he is all about...and you want him back! What does this tell you about yourself? You know exactly what you are dealing with. You definitely need to examine your role in this and be honest about it.

You also say you "need him" and you already know he is a bastard? WHY exactly would you "need" someone with his character?

[dynamodean]

The idea of needing him as your friend is all kinds of wrong. Have you tried seeking professional help? I mean that in the most honest and nicest way. Seems as if you're just spiraling out of control.

[novice]

Your role here is easy to see. You already know who he is and what he is all about...and you want him back! What does this tell you about yourself? You know exactly what you are dealing with. You definitely need to examine your role in this and be honest about it.

You also say you "need him" and you already know he is a bastard? WHY exactly would you "need" someone with his character?

Oh. I didn't think that's what you meant. I can't argue with you. I'm NOT "proud" of "resorting" to "acting" like "I'm over it" & it's "ok" in order to have him as a "friend" but I have no one else & he's fine as a friend as far as I can tell - just not a bf if he doesn't truly like/want/love you (?).

AFAIK his friends think he's a great guy (& as a friend he may be?) AND worse, not knowing the details probably think I am being "petty" or "immature" not being his friend now!? W/E version of events he told his sister & best friend neither of them seemed to think it unusual that we would still remain "friends." Plus it seems many in the gay community feel since it's small so people should just forgive & forget & remain "friends" after break ups (so I've wondered IF I AM the problem by not being "able" to easily do so?!).

I admit it is pathetic for me to "accept" him as a friend after the way things played out. It's like I was around his way of thinking so long W/O any other view points about things that idk who I am or what's what any more. I don't have enough experience in gay relationships to "know" what's "typical" & what isn't. People def do switch relationships, etc way more often & (apparently) FAR easier than I do.

[novice]

The idea of needing him as your friend is all kinds of wrong. Have you tried seeking professional help? I mean that in the most honest and nicest way. Seems as if you're just spiraling out of control.

Haha! You made me laugh at least.....but yeah, I am spiraling (but I swear I'm trying not to...just failing thus far).

[East]

Oh. I didn't think that's what you meant. I can't argue with you. I'm NOT "proud" of "resorting" to "acting" like "I'm over it" & it's "ok" in order to have him as a "friend" but I have no one else & he's fine as a friend as far as I can tell - just not a bf if he doesn't truly like/want/love you (?).

AFAIK his friends think he's a great guy (& as a friend he may be?) AND worse, not knowing the details probably think I am being "petty" or "immature" not being his friend now!? W/E version of events he told his sister & best friend neither of them seemed to think it unusual that we would still remain "friends." Plus it seems many in the gay community feel since it's small so people should just forgive & forget & remain "friends" after break ups (so I've wondered IF I AM the problem by not being "able" to easily do so?!).

I admit it is pathetic for me to "accept" him as a friend after the way things played out. It's like I was around his way of thinking so long W/O any other view points about things that idk who I am or what's what any more. I don't have enough experience in gay relationships to "know" what's "typical" & what isn't. People def do switch relationships, etc way more often & (apparently) FAR easier than I do.

If I were in your shoes...the first thing I would do is read about sociopaths and see if anything clicks. They can be charming as hell......

[novice]

If I were in your shoes...the first thing I would do is read about sociopaths and see if anything clicks. They can be charming as hell......

I did - after he replied to one of my text questions about the break up w/ "I am a psychopath" (I thought he was "kidding" or in a bad mood). The main sociopath/psychopath/narcissist characteristic that fits him is complete lack of empathy, remorse or even seeming to "know" what is or would be hurtful to someone. He does have a charm about him. IF he is he def see's ME as an "inferior." I am a bit of a mental case now after this experience. I've been depressed before but never quite this mixed up about how I was treated by someone.

I rationalized it was just because he didn't have strong feelings for me that he was able to so casually "inform" me of the end (& the contradictory reason(s) "why").

He may be a liar too but I never knew it if he did.

Maybe I'm still trying to sort out if he was just selfish or there was something "more" to it(?)

[Borg69]

You're looking for deeper meanings and answers where there possibly isn't any... and even if you did, they won't change the outcome. Stop taking blame for his actions, and stop excusing them.

Mourn. Be angry. Learn. Forgive. Move on.

Obsession/infatuation and being a doormat is no way to live.

[Drew02]

You don't have anyone else? FIND someone else. And no, I don't mean rush into a new BF thing. Friends, acquaintances...find something you're interested in and do volunteer work. Join a gym. IDK, go to a church.
And friends don't need to be limited to gay guys near your own age. Anyone can be a friend - one of my best friends is an 81 year old man and another is a 12 year old girl.
Things will not get better until you have more people in your life.
And to answer your question about being friends with him at this point, NO.

[novice]

And friends don't need to be limited to gay guys near your own age.

I'd almost prefer they weren't so that dating or sex element wouldn't be there to get in the way of just being friends. Lesbians, straight people, whoever is fine by me if I can find anyone who is interested.

If I make it "ok" that he was an asshole to me by being his "friend" I may suffer a bit but if I don't I still suffer. Either way - he wins. I can only "not lose" IF I can not give a shit about him (or what he thinks) any more which I continue to try to make a reality.

[Borg69]

This really isn't about winning and losing. You're trying to get back something intangible that you feel he stole from you.

At this point, this is more about your integrity. Morals. Values. self worth. Honesty.. Commitment... YOURS. Not HIS. He's a prick, with a long list of not so endearing qualities. Realistically, that's something you shouldn't want in your life.

Granted... he 'wronged' you by making some decisions that didn't take you or your feelings into account. Better that he's out of your life and that you made it through as well as you have so you can find someone who does appreciate you as you deserve.

By choosing to stay in his company is only going to keep you open to more abuse and hurt.
Maybe that's what you need? How many times does he have to screw you over before you get tired of it? 3? 10? 50? Where do you draw the line? How much is TOO much? What heinous act does he have to do before you've had enough?