Almost "breaking down" & trying to be friends w/ ex

[novice]

This really isn't about winning and losing. You're trying to get back something intangible that you feel he stole from you.

In a sense I am wanting him to be the type of person I thought he was & that he portrayed to me & the world.

He's a prick, with a long list of not so endearing qualities. Realistically, that's something you shouldn't want in your life.

Granted... he 'wronged' you by making some decisions that didn't take you or your feelings into account. Better that he's out of your life and that you made it through as well as you have so you can find someone who does appreciate you as you deserve.

By choosing to stay in his company is only going to keep you open to more abuse and hurt.

Probably true, "more abuse and hurt" is mostly why I haven't risked it since the last "instance" of his complete lack of emotional awareness (where I am involved).

I was assuming maybe if I only "expected" some companionship out it I could "handle it" BUT I guess the only true, "safe" way to "relate" to him is if YOU can NOT care any more for him than he does for you. There's fewer ways a "friend" can hurt you. I suppose the less you truly feel towards someone the easier it is to discard them &/or "switch" to just being "friends."

[Bluelight]

You know, I've never been in a relationship myself, but I've seen my friends do this and it annoys the living crap out of me because I know that sooner or later, I'm gonna have a front-row seat for all the drama that will ensue. It never ends well, don't do it. Save yourself some time and move on.

[50Plus]

One thing that pisses me off about these 'poor poor pitiful me' posts is the level of blindness from the poster.

Above me, bluelight posted that he has never been in a relationsip. He is 21.

You have me here that is single and is looking for a relationship. I am 51.

The original poster is 35. You have someone with +/- 15 years of your own age and you are bitching that there is no one out there to be your friend. Have you even reached out?

Fuck man, there are lots of people looking and then someone comes along being blind to everyone else? Either fall in to the re-runs of the B movie former relationship or reach out to others who are looking.

My apologies to bluelight for wrapping him in to my rant. Sorry dude.

[Borg69]

In a sense I am wanting him to be the type of person I thought he was & that he portrayed to me & the world.

For the sake of argument, let's assume that's not going to happen. He was never that person.

Either he misrepresented himself, or you only saw what you wanted to see. Either way the result is the same dead end. He's not that guy you thought he was.

You're hungry and the fridge is empty. Do you go get new food, or lament the food you once had until you starve?

[Uneunsae]

Many of these threads reek of co-dependency issues. This is not something that can be cured with advice on this forum. People need to address why they are so needy and co-dependent and seek therapy if necessary (probably is in most cases).

This is a HUGE issue with so many people. This along with histrionics, narcissism and a sense of entitlement are an epidemic as far as I'm concerned. They probably always have been, but the internet just makes it painfully obvious.

[novice]

One thing that pisses me off about these 'poor poor pitiful me' posts is the level of blindness from the poster.

Above me, bluelight posted that he has never been in a relationsip. He is 21.
You have me here that is single and is looking for a relationship. I am 51.

The original poster is 35. You have someone with +/- 15 years of your own age and you are bitching that there is no one out there to be your friend. Have you even reached out?

Fuck man, there are lots of people looking and then someone comes along being blind to everyone else? Either fall in to the re-runs of the B movie former relationship or reach out to others who are looking.

I'm not in either of your areas....if you mean have I've "reached out" on GaySpeak? No. I am open to friends online or otherwise but I'm not in very good "shape" to be a great "friend" at the moment. Idk what I could offer someone. NOT that I don't keep an eye out - perhaps I am "blind"? I know there other people looking for friends, dates, etc but it's not so easy to "find" them!

Where I am I assure you I've not missed ANY opportunity. I even volunteered yesterday & today to no avail. I'm was killing some time & not doing it solely to "meet someone" (though of course I would've liked to). I am a shy person & suck at making friends even IF I had places to meet them currently.

Borg69 -
Yes, I realize he is not quite who I thought he was or perhaps he "just wasn't that into me" - idk. I def "need" & want "new food" - I wish I were better "equipped" to obtain any. I had/made one real "connection" (I thought anyway) in 4 years here (& more years before moving) so being completely alone I'm finding it hard not to "keep" him even as a "friend" - even though I know it's risky, stupid & unwise (AND possibly he doesn't deserve it). It's not something I'm proud of.

I have many issues to deal with & when I get really down I can't help but consider reaching out to the one person I know here who I used to be able to turn to & rely on. Especially when he claimed to be "very happy I decided we could be friends" back when - before I had to choose not to be.

I don't mind people here being blunt or replying whatever they want but all I can do is either post or not post questions. I have no one else to ask. I was doing so mostly in an effort to keep myself from turning to my ex.

[Borg69]

We may be administering a "tough love" here, but I think it's sincere, and with more concern over your well being than the guy you're pining over ever showed you. We DO care, and you do have friends here. I haven't said anything to you that I wouldn't tell the exact same thing to friends and family.

We luv ya, but at the same time you gotta grow a pair and a spine and move forward instead of looking back.

[novice]

I hear you! And I appreciate it!

I am trying to muddle "forward." If I weren't prone to depression anyway I'd deal better with this sort of thing. I've spent far more of my life alone than with someone so it's not an existence I'm unfamiliar with. I've just never liked it that way!

I feel like the kid who could/can never quite get their father's "approval." Why the fuck I WANT my ex's "approval" & "acceptance", etc etc IDK ("codependence".....probably). Except that he's kind of "denied" it to me for so long (or I felt so to some extent) I guess makes me want it more. Perverse really. And yes, rationally I know if I felt "good enough" for myself I probably wouldn't lament not being "good enough" for him in the end.

[Bluelight]

My apologies to bluelight for wrapping him in to my rant. Sorry dude.

No worries, 50Plus

[Borg69]

Maybe not the greatest resources, but there are some places to look for gay life in Reno... Google is your friend too!

http://lmgtfy.com/?q=reno+gay