Me [28 M] with my boyfriend [33M] of two years... found evidence of illicit drug use

[drdrew]

Ugh. boyfriend left facebook app open on shared tablet and i looked through some messages (I know that was wrong of me). He travels frequently for work (which is a new thing) and he has been sending messages seeking out coke, X, and possibly even meth while he is on these trips.
I don't know if he has actually found and used them but he's seeking them out. I know he has a partying past but he doesn't use any of these around me and it makes me really uncomfortable. I don't want him to know that I snooped... I know that that's bad of me... but i found something and now i need to know what to do with this information.

[MikeW]

Well, there is only one thing you can do: Fess up and confront him with your concerns. You can't go back to not knowing what you know and the fact he has kept this a secret from you brings up many more questions such as why and what other information relevant to your relationship has he withheld? If he's using illicit drugs when not in your presence you have every right to know this. Don't let him tell you it isn't any of your business, it most certainly is. If he's struggling with a drug dependency issue, same thing. You need to know so you can be an appropriate support in that struggle. Hiding it from you suggests he isn't really 'struggling'.

[Anocxu]

Drug / Alcohol addiction and relationships do NOT mix!

Keep posting here so we can ALL help you sort this out.

Or at least point you in the right direction.

[Iceblink]

This is not really something you can put back in the box and ignore like you could if you out something not so serious, like you found he was cheated on his diet sneaking out to Wendy's. It bothers you enough that you made a thread here and so when you see him it is probably going to be obvious something is bothering you.

Outside of addiction problems,( and while there are people that can use something like coke or x on occasion and not get addicted, it is much more difficult with meth) he is putting himself in jeopardy of getting caught, even more so than he would picking up something at club and using it while partying there. There is always the risk of getting caught when using drugs, but when he is trying to get drugs through messages on Facebook or email, he is leaving traces of evidence than can follow him. You saw it, so it possible other people could see it and it is crazy he is doing this while on trips for work.

Now that you know, you really do not have much of a choice. You need to tell him and have a discussion about this.

[Borg69]

I have my doubts this is something new. It probably took him a while to slip up enough to get caught.

[TwisttheLeaf]

Sorry man. But I have a no-tolerance policy when it comes to hard drugs, and I consider all three of the ones you listed to be just that.

I'd confront him and, depending on what he says and whether or not I believe him (should he say something to protest innocence)... he'd e out on his ass.

If he's 'partying' when he's away from home, what else is he doing? That's also something to consider that would worry me.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

I'm not going to jump to the conclusion he is an addict. I had my longish period of using for recreational purposes without it becoming all crazy needful addiction. Oh yeah I had that period of crazy needful addiction as well. Thus ended my sports career as a marathon speed user.... :biggrin:

However, I know of people, We will call them friends just for simplicity of labels here, however they have been using on a regular basis since we were in our twenties. So figure at least 2 possibly 3 decades of regular recreational drug use. The survivors (lots of the people I have known have died, which is odd I was voted as the one most likely to die before age 40), have their lives in order, have jobs, relationships, etc - most are doing better than myself in these areas - much better.

This is the terrible secret of the Modern Prohibition Era - people are all focused on the Faces of Meth websites and not looking at the far, far larger group of people who use regularly, hold down jobs, careers, hold families together, etc and never lose control.

This same approach is what lead to the Alcohol Prohibition. They focused on the down and out tried and true alcoholics and failed to mention the larger population of responsible drinkers.

So you need to first know if your BF has an addiction, of if he can use occasionally recreationally without it being a problem.

Assuming he can use for recreational purposes and likes to party just a little, you need to look at your relationship and assess if you have a prohibition leaning, meaning you just flat refused his use of drugs as an option. If so, and if he doesn't really have an addiction problem, you may need to seriously reconsider your stance on this prohibition and compromise.

The deal with his looking for drugs while out and about via the internet is that he is standing a much, much greater chance of being arrested. Assaulted, killed, whatever. Statistically he is safer walking on the wrong side of town in the middle of the night and asking a passing stranger if they are cool and know a connection.

He also will need a safe environment to use his drug of choice in. Just like its not recommended to drive while drinking, or swimming while pissed three sheets to the win, there are safe environments to use in and unsafe ones. Random motel rooms out on the road are not actually that safe, especially if you are making deals with strangers off the internet.

Now if he has an addiction problem - He NEEDS drugs, not just wants them (a big difference) then this needs to be handled in an approach which is safe for both of you.

Demands do not work. Forbidding does not work. Promises of dire consequences will do nothing but send him deeper into hiding his little problem. He needs supporting suggestions to guide him to seek help.

IF he is addicted to drugs YOU need a support group yourself. That would be Alanon/Alateen: http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/

Lets say you already know that drugs and him end up to serious bad shit happening. I strongly suggest you use Alanon/Alateen to find a local support group and get yourself to a meeting right now.

Do not stop and ask questions about what you saw on facebook, don't confront the partner. Get yourself a support group, and talk with them about the details of his little habits and how those have been problems in the past.

Right now there is way to little information for me to even start making suggestions as to how to really approach this issue with him without it leading to lies and hiding his habit and him going deeper into addiction.

Confrontation rarely works to actually fix addiction. There are other methods, methods that members of Alanon/Alateen have used with tried and true results - but those result are by each case and they are going to want to know much more about his drug history.

So to recap, if his use of drugs is not an addiction, then you need to open up to the idea that he uses at home, in a safe environment, that he finds a trustworthy dealer (at home), to reduce the risk of arrest or being killed out there in his job travels.

If he does have an addiction, you have sufficient evidence for you to seek out support for yourself FIRST and then with those people figure out an approach that is safe for both of you.

[reedj439]

I'm only 19 and no relationship expert, but you have to talk with him. You have legitimate concerns. And a shared tablet is not exactly snooping. Who cares about snooping. Really hard drugs behind your back troubles you. You have to let him know.

[BobInTampa]

FIRST THINGS FIRSTS: GET A FULL BATTERY OF STD TESTS!

THere is a DIRECT connection between the drugs you mention in your post, and the user engaging in risky sex with unknown partners.

NEXT, you DO have to address this with him. Now, you didn't give us a timeframe in which you read the message, but you need to have the conversation with him.

As far as feeling guilty for looking at his messages, if you're in a COMMITTED, MONOGAMOUS LONG TERM RELATIONSHIP, there is NO GUARANTEE OF 100% PRIVACY! Ok, so you grabbed the tablet and saw his profile open and you thought you'd do a quick scan of his messages - if he had NOTHING to hide he shold have NO REASON to be pissed about your flipping thru his account. The fact that you found him looking for drugs, NOW GIVES YOU THE RIGHT TO ASK HIM IF HE"S USING AGAIN!

If he says NO, then ask him why he's using FB to look for hard drugs. In my opinion, you need to let him know that drug use is a 100% DEAL BREAKER for you and that being 100% HONEST about buying and using drugs AND if he's met men for sex while on drugs.

This won't be an easy conversation. But it's one that has to happen!

[PlumberTed]

As mentioned already, confront him about it.

Get him clean and away from making such temptations. Maybe discuss the possibility of disabling his Facebook account for now so he doesn't have any temptations.